Hi everyone. I'm 19 years old and I've pretty much known that I was queer in some way since I was about 11, but didn't fully accept it until I was 16. I have anxiety and OCD so I often get into these thought ruts where I think that I'm going crazy or have a bad disease or something. This time it's different though. When I really think about how I've been living my life as a lesbian, I sometimes think that I should've chosen to suppress it earlier on. I know to most of you it sounds like I have some intense internalized homophobia, which maybe I do, but this is a real concern for me. I went to an all girls school, and I had guy friends from other schools but my attention was mainly toward girls and I have been infatuated and in love with multiple women now. For the past few years I rarely even thought of men because I was so engrained in lesbian and gay culture/lifestyle. On the other hand, I've been thinking that maybe I taught myself to be a lesbian and that I could have saved myself early on for a normal life with a husband. Thinking about it now makes me upset because I've wanted a wife for so long, but what if I suppressed it earlier on and had a normal life without being a burden on society? I understand that there's science and historical evidence that homosexuality has been around for years, but I guess I haven't seen anything convincing enough. I've been thinking about things like "am I a victim of the gay agenda that I hear from the conservative right?" "What if all of those people are actually right and I'm a sick person?" Maybe I'm just thinking too deeply into things, and I likely am, but it's incredibly distressing and I really want to hear some peoples take on what I'm going through. Thank you
First of all you are not a burden, you are perfectly normal whatever you feel when it is about such things. You can always try to experiment with a man but if you don't feel like it then don't. I used to think that I might be gay as well as straight but didn't have any proof, not even to myself, one day I fell in love with a man and that's when I realized. And remember you are not sick, you are amazing in your own ways, your sexuality doesn't change a thing about your personality neither your gender does. Always be yourself.
Hi there! I think that if you have always desired to have a wife, then you are very likely lesbian! Congratulations on that. There is nothing to be ashamed of being a lesbian. I am a gay guy and I've realised my queerness when I was around 11 years old. Everyone is different. I think that you should just wait until you truly love someone, wether it's a man or woman. And no you are not contaminated or have a disease, you are gay and you were born this way like straight people are born this way. I think that if you would have suppressed it more, you would have been much more sad and depressed. Keep fighting and you will find your wife (or husband) one day!
Honestly, if you don't feel any love or attraction and are just doing it to escape judgment from the small-minded you'll end up either alone and depressed or with some jerk who doesn't even deserve the carpet you walk on. I've seen it happen again and again... If you're trying to suppress genuine feelings, it never goes well. Ever seen one of those so-called "Ex-gay conversion camps"? They've been proven to be ineffective and cruel, having being banned in most places because they do nothing but force you to be stressed when you have these feelings which isn't any better. Besides, the bonus of acceptance from a few grumpy members of archaic society isn't a big bonus. Aside from that, what would self-suppression give you? A controlling husband who thinks of you as nothing but a sex toy or breeding cattle and doesn't give love the time of day? I see them all around the US, I know they're worse in say Saudi Arabia but unsure about other parts of the world. I think the statistic of happy straight marriages is lower because of those types. My grandparents mostly "get it" now that I'm not going anywhere, this is how I was born and as such it's natural it's how I'll live. Just be you, whatever that means. Do what feels natural, what feels nice, not what society wants you to do. I used to suppress myself, I have to say it just feels so much more free when you finally give up and just be yourself. If by some off chance you're 100% gay and still find that "Mr. Right" who is somehow neither taken nor faking I'd still advise caution. The lack of attraction might frustrate him or you and cause conflict, and I'm no fan of conflict.
You are certainly not a "burden". I'm not sure what proof you need aside from the millions and millions and millions of LGBT people who are currently living out their own lives every day. And lots of them feel like you do, seriously, just surf around this site and you will see it. For starters take a deep breath, turn off Faux news and realize you are not "sick" or a "burden". That it is okay for you to like girls and not like guys. That even being confused is pretty normal in the grand scheme of things.
