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I don't know who I am or who I love and it's freaking me the heck out.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Darth Cyrina, Aug 8, 2016.

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  1. Darth Cyrina

    Darth Cyrina
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Coruscant
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi all. I just want some help. I always thought I was different 'in the head'. I always knew I was female, but who I loved...well that was a different matter. I remember being 7-8 and thinking my friend from school was pretty, and that I liked her, then instantly thinking "I'm q freak. Stop it." I was raised in a pretty conservative household, and being 10 when I was taught that "gays will molest me" thing. I remember crying myself to sleep because I was sinful, and I didn't want to molest people, so I had to repent. And I did. I became boy crazy. I tried my hardest to like boys and be "normal". I had a few flings in 6th and 7th grade, but then, everything came back to slap me in the face. I fell head over heels in love with a girl in my Math class. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I rember one day she wore really short shorts, and a tiny tank top and I, well, I....got wet. I had to go hide in the bathroom. I ended up puking and I went home. To this day that memory makes me want to hide in a corner and never show my face again. I still feel dirty thinking about it. By now I'm somewhat sure I'm a lesbian, and by now I know the molest thing and AIDS things are overblown. But why do I still feel like this. Am I truly gay? And if so, why do I hate myself so much?
     
    #1 Darth Cyrina, Aug 8, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2016
  2. SystemGlitch

    SystemGlitch
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    It really sounds like internalised homophobia. You've grown up being taught that gay people are something to be feared and hated, it's very natural that now you've discovered your sexuality you're feeling that way about yourself. A lot of gay people experience this sort of thing when they first question their sexuality, and some gay people continue to feel it if the people around them are constantly affirming their hateful beliefs.

    It definitely seems like you do have a sexual interest in women, so I think you are either gay or bi. This isn't something you need to be ashamed of at all; there are a lot of people in the world who are non-straight, and even animals engage in long-term homosexual relationships, so is it really "abnormal" when it's so prominent in nature? If you are gay, it's just a part of who you are, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    I hope this helps. (*hug*)
     
    #2 SystemGlitch, Aug 9, 2016
  3. Darth Cyrina

    Darth Cyrina
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    Coruscant
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you SO much. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. If I had to take a shot in the dark I am probably gay, seeing as the "flings" I mentioned before were more of a "see I'm not gay I'm normal" thing. I never have felt any attraction to boys not that I consider it. Again THANK YOU! :icon_bigg
     
    #3 Darth Cyrina, Aug 9, 2016
  4. SystemGlitch

    SystemGlitch
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    I'm glad I could help! :grin:
     
    #4 SystemGlitch, Aug 9, 2016
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