Hello firstly, this is my first post here and over this topic overall, i also apologize for my english. i will try to short it up. As the title says, i have been confused, for 10 long years! I'm 25 now and i thought i would know for sure by now but i don't. It all started at 15 when i met a new group of friends, they made fun of me for not having a girlfriend or any contact with a girl and my self esteem started to fade. From this moment on i started to question my sexuallity since i couldn't really talk to girls for some reason. It developed into an obsession, it started with me trying to figure out if i was aroused by men with images, then youtube videos and gay porn later on. In the beginning i felt very anxious and i kind of fought the idea but i realized i could masturbate to it, so i started feeling suicidal and made up excuses for what was happening like "I am aroused by the sex and not the men". All this time i turned into a weird person with a lot of anxiety and my life was all around me trying to find out what i am. I always liked girls and before 15 i didn't have any feelings for the same sex. I still find myself attracted to girls but the attraction to men and the fantasies about the same sex are getting stronger but after i act on those fantasies, i lose interest and i don't think i would do it in real life besides, i don't have any romantic interest in men as i do for women. Usually i get erections with women, with men not so much but i find pre-cum sometimes which means i probably felt aroused and didn't realized it. What is really confusing is that i still feel aroused by girls and i was always interested in boy things like playing football, hanging out with straight friends and playing video games that the usual straight guy enjoys playing. I also think it might be HOCD because i had ocd before this happed and i still have in certain situations. I don´t need the usual don't label yourself because i tried it and i still feel "stuck". At this point of my life i need brutal and honest opinions from people with experience and that's why i shared my story. What are your views on it? i look forward for your advise, thank you
It doesn't really come across to me that you're gay. It seems to stem more from an anxiety perspective, since you said you started to become concerned only once people pointed out your lack of experience with relationships. A lot of people believe HOCD doesn't exist, but with the way today's society is and the condemnation that being gay receives it really doesn't surprise me that there might be straight people who obsess over whether or not they are gay - most people want to fit in with society and most people end up obsessing over what they perceive as "flaws" in themselves, and with the internalised homophobia that a lot of people have it isn't a shocker that there may be straight people who think they have the "flaw" of being gay. This is kind of what it seems like to me from your post. Porn is a terrible indicator of sexuality. The example I always use: there are a lot of lesbian women who watch straight or male gay porn because lesbian porn is awful and unrealistic. My boyfriend identifies as 95% gay, and he watches straight porn more often than not. It's feelings towards other people and the actual acts that you would do with other people which are more of an indicator of sexuality, in my opinion. If you cannot possibly view yourself being in a relationship with a man and/or having sex with a man, the likelihood is that you're not gay and it's more of an obsession/intrusive thoughts. A final note though - your interests such as sports do not impact your sexuality at all. There are plenty of gay men that are just the same as straight men in terms of interests, just as there are plenty of straight men who act stereotypically "gay". I hope this helps at least and a little and eases your concerns.
SystemGlitch firstly, thank you for taking a bit of time to reply When i was a kid i had extreme ocd, i would wash my hands many times a day, i walked around with dry and scarred hands and many other compulsions but my family just didn't think it was serious. All that went away when i was 14/15 but now that i think about it, it turned into a more mental thing and it's possible that it's still messing with me, not only with my sexuallity but with my life in general. I don't know much about ocd to be honest but since the compulsions went away in a time where i had no idea what i had was an actual disease and not only pure crazyness, i never cared about it. At the time i realized that my "friends" were insinuating that i was probably gay for never having even kissed a girl at 15, today it sounds completely stupid but this started all the obsessing, it's like for me it has to be black and white but i'm always grey and i can't move on, if you get what i mean. Maybe it should be important to add that i changed my environment completely, i changed town and i kinda started from zero and my previous friends didn't put any pressure on me for being sexually inexperienced since they were on the same boat as me.
I'd probably recommend speaking to an LGBT-friendly therapist (LGBT-friendly is important, an anti-LGBT therapist may ignore your needs completely just to turn you away from being gay, which is not only harmful if you are non-straight but also harmful in general since you may not be getting what you need). They'd be able to help you out a lot more effectively than anyone on here can, especially since if this is an obsession it seems deep-rooted and if it isn't then there's a lot of difficulty in accepting yourself for who you are. Something to remember is that sexuality isn't black and white. Sexuality is fluid and can shift, though generally not dramatically. Many straight and gay people have minor attraction to other genders outside their sexual preference, often the attraction isn't enough for them to want a relationship unless the person in question is exceptional. Bisexuality also exists, and it's possible to be bisexual with a preference for one gender over another.
I agree that i should probably get help for ocd in general and someone that helps me with this issue. I don't know what i expect people to tell me here, it's probably just another desperate try to get answers. I'm willing to accept whatever i am, i just want to be sure about it. Whenever i accept i'm gay, it feels less real and i still feel attraction to women. Like i want to go trough with those fanstasies but when i finally give in, i don't feel like it anymore and i never seem to leave this cycle. Sexuallity isn't black and white but my brain seems to be and maybe that's the issue.
U may not be seeing the big option in the room, you could be bi. I'm the same way, very traditionally male. Every single person I told was shocked. Thats life, ya know?
It's also a good possibility but as i said, i would never be content with that answer, i also tried to think that way, i'm bi who cares but that need for being sure wasn't satisfied with it, it's funny that i never exposed this problem and i am realizing that i have to resolve what is causing this obsession, i guess i have to find help for this issue. I might be gay, straight or even bi but if i don't treat this, i will never stop this cycle. I do believe it has something to do with OCD, my way of thinking and some behaviours are slight indicators but i don't have any compulsion now, so i am not sure. I guess the best option would be to look for professional help but it's not something i'm comfortable with.
