Hi everyone, first let me start by thanking you for taking the time to read through this. And let me apologize in advance if my question or topic is inappropriate, either in this specific thread or in any other way. I'm new to this experience. I am a straight women who has been in a two and a half year relationship with a straight male. We are both in our late 20s. In the past he has jokingly kissed male friends nonsexually (the best way I can describe it is the way Ralph Cramden would kiss Norton on the Honeymooners - completely silly, nonsexual). He is a strong ally to the LBGT community, with family and several friends who are gay and lesbians. This weekend, he told me that, in the past, he has seen men (non friends or acquaintances) and wondered what it would be like to have sex with them and thought about that. He has had this experience on and off since high school though it has waned overtime; he describes it as arousing. That said, he has never had any same-sex sexual experiences except what I mentioned above. He has said he is not interested in pursuing, nor has ever pursued anything physical or emotional with someone of the same sex and is not interested in gay porn (he is into BDSM though). He has said, however, that he might consider a relationship with a man, if the right one came along, and if we were not a couple, but never sought this out while single. He believes this moves him out of the strictly heterosexual group and into a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey Scale. He's attracted to men and women, but more so women. He believes this to not be a big deal or to have any implication on our relationship, because he does not want to pursue anyone else but me. I, to be honest, have been having a very difficult time understanding this. I don't want him to not have the experiences that would be fulfilling to him (perhaps being with a man) but am also wondering if his feelings are simply fantasy + total acceptance of other sexual orientations and less him actually wanting to pursue this in any real-life way. For someone who hasn't had these experiences in real life, despite presumed acceptance from his friends and family who are already supportive, I'm confused by his shift into the bisexual spectrum. Is this a typical experience? Would you describe this as bisexual? If it is more than fantasy, am I holding him back? I'm not sure of its impact on our relationship long term or what it may mean for his identity. I'm not sure what to think and how to wrap my head around this. I'd appreciate any opinions or insights that you would be willing to share. Again, thank you for taking the time to listen.
I think if he says he's happy with you, then he's happy with you. He doesn't want to pursue other relationships because he is in a relationship, and he is attracted to the person he is in the relationship with. I tend to think of it such as saying "What if one day he wants something I can't give?" Taking BDSM as an example, if you weren't/aren't interested in it it'd be akin to asking "what if one day he wants someone who likes BDSM more than I do?" It's possible to know you're bisexual/gay without expriencing same-sex relationships, just like it's possible to know you're straight without experiencing a straight relationship. Porn isn't a good indicator most of the time; I've heard accounts from many lesbian women that they don't watch lesbian porn because it isn't made to appeal to them and will either watch straight or gay male porn. Also I think it's less of a "shift" to bisexuality, since you said his curiosity to men has been happening since highschool and isn't new. It's possible he's been bisexual for a very long time, but hasn't felt a need to disclose it or hasn't acknowledged it before. All of this doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to pursue a man though. Right now, he wants to be with you, and being bisexual doesn't change the fact that some people prefer being monogamous. It's a bit of a negative stereotype that a bi/pan person can't settle down with a single person because one day they'll just "crave that vagina/penis" and go cheat on their partner. This is incredibly wrong though. Bi/pan people are as capable of a secure monogamous relationship as anyone else, just like straight people are perfectly capable of cheating on their partner. I don't think you'll have anything to worry about, judging from what you've said, so please try not to worry.
Thanks for taking the time to post back. I appreciate it. In your estimation / experience, does what I'm describing sound like bisexuality? I guess that's part of what I'm asking. I guess I always assumed more than just passing thoughts would be part of it? Or do you think there is more I don't know about? He's said the "joking" around with his friends is entirely separate and he's not at all attracted to them. And that had this not come up in conversation he wouldn't have even thought to mention this to me, because it's irrelevant. However, because of a talk he heard at work, he's now identifying as "not quite straight" which just seems to me like a big change for something otherwise "irrelevant"? I apologize if I sound ignorant here - it's just surprising to learn this about someone I thought I knew inside and out.
There are different flavors of bisexuality - what he feels seems more like what most people call "heteroflexibility", meaning mostly straight with an occassional lean towards the same sex. There are people who will still prefer to call it bisexuality, though, so if that is how he chose to identify I wouldn't necessarily say it was wrong, if that makes sense. This was the part I was talking about when I said it's been happening since high school: This sounds like a long-term interest in men, not necessarily a deep one, but still an interest. It's possible he didn't think it was important just because he never thought to pursue it and thought it wouldn't have an impact on the relationship. I can't claim to fully understand his mindset unfortunately. ^^; Maybe before now he only thought in terms of 100% straight/equal attraction/100% gay, so he slotted himself into the 100% straight category without really thinking about it since his attraction to women was far stronger than what he feels for men. You'd be surprised at the amount of straight people who are "not quite straight", there are a lot of straight/gay people who are not 100% only attracted to one gender. Generally for these people it takes someone exceptionally special to get actual romantic attraction when they aren't of their sexual preference, though they may appreciate their bodies or the concept of sexual acts with them. Don't worry, I don't think you sounded ignorant. (*hug*)
Thank you, again. It's almost like you've listened to the umpteen conversations we have had about this over the past few days. You are 100% right in what you said -- he never thought about gradients and when it was mentioned it made sense to him and made him reflect on himself. I guess I'm feeling exactly the way you suggest -- is his identification/new understanding going to make it more likely that he explores this side of himself further? And I guess that's where my insecurity is coming from. Maybe there is more about himself that he doesnt know? It might be silly but for some reason, it's not the fantasy or passing allure of the idea of sleeping with someone else that is worrying me -- I'm not the fantasy police, it's not a big deal, in the same way it's unfair of me to try and control or judge his BDSM interest (again fantasy). It's what the new identification means, if that makes any sense? I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness and support. It's been a confusing few days and i so appreciate having an ear (fingers typing? Lol) to turn to.
He might want to explore it, he might not. It would make sense if he did want to explore it, but he has said he has no interest in pursuing a male relationship, so I'd take his word for it that that's the case. Being "bisexual" or "heteroflexible" or "not quite straight" or whatever label you throw on it won't make him a different person, even if it seems like it does. He's still the man you married and love, and it sounds like he still loves you. All the identity really means is that instead of only glancing at the hot female secretary, he might also be glancing at the hot pool boy. XD If you weren't worried about any feelings he got towards those outside of the relationship before now, it's not a reason to start worrying. I think if there's anything else he needs to discover about himself, it's best that you discover it together. Nothing is more wonderful than having a supportive person by your side when you're going through self-reflection, there can be a lot of doubts or guilt; it's great to see that your husband doesn't seem to have had many negative feelings about his sexuality right now though! And no matter what happens, he's still the same person at the end of it all. I know insecurities are hard to get past, I feel that way about my boyfriend since I'm a pre-op transman and he's Kinsey 5 gay. I sometimes become obsessed with the idea that he needs a "complete man" and doesn't want me and it takes a lot of reassuring from him to remind me that he loves me with or without a penis. I'm really glad that I'm able to help. ;w; It's one of the main reasons I've stayed with the site, to give hope and assistance to others.
