I don't know if I'm bisexual or straight and it's really messing me up

Well, hello,

As the tittle says, I don't know if I'm bisexual or straight and it's really starting to mess me up. I guess I'll start with a little bit of background so that you can help me out.

All through elementary school there was always a little boy who had a crush on me (and a few I liked back), so it wasn't until middle school that I started doubting my sexuality. I went to a tennis camp with this girl who I would literally do anything for. I don't even really know why I liked her, just that I did and I'd do anything to be her friend. We had a competition by the end of the summer, and, even though I played better than her and she was older, I let her win. I remember walking over to shake her hand and say "good game," but she just turned around to talk with her other friends about how much I sucked and how she had won by a landslide. After that I was devastated. School started and, since I've always been a tomboy, and making friends with guys was easier than with girls, there was this period of time when I would only hang out with guys. Of course, they sometimes talked about porn and girls and whatnot, so, out of curiosity, I started checking those things out to see what all the fuss was about. What really started to confuse me was the fact that lesbian and straight porn, both, would turn me on. I googled it and some straight people said it was normal, so I just shoved the thought to the back of my head.
Middle school started, and I got into FanFiction and smut. At first I just read about boys with girls, but then that shifted to girls with girls too. (The Legend of Korra is one of my favorite shows because of that, and I stopped watching The 100 when they killed off Lexa.) I loved it and it really, really turned me on. I don't really remember when, but I also started picturing what it would be like if I kissed some of my female friends. More questions rose. I googled it again, and found out that "girl crushes" were completely normal for some straight girls. I once again pushed the thoughts away. I started dating boys, but it never worked out for many different reasons and/or excuses on my part (mostly because my parents' divorce was awful and it really messed up my commitment and trust issues). I got tired of some of the boys once the honey moon stage was over, I had so many fights with one of them that it led to our breakup, and... I don't know, I've just had really bad luck. I used to dream about how great being a guy (the guy I always wanted, but never found) would be to the point that I completely despised being a girl (which led to a lot of insecurities that I have fortunately overcome). Anyways, even though I haven't -I don't know- 'liked' a girl as much as the one in the camp a few years ago, I've still thought about kissing and dreamt about being with them since then (I don't think I've dreamt about sex though, mostly just cuddles and that kind of stuff). It's just, they've been dreams and every time images like that popped up when I'm awake, I kind of just place them aside because I've also dreamt and thought about boys that way too. If a hot guy takes off his shirt, well my eyes will totally wander, and if a pretty girl starts changing in front of me in the locker room, I try to avoid it but it also happens.

I guess that if maybe my home wasn't so small and there was a larger LGBT community, then maybe I'd be a little more okay with thinking this, but I have some very conservative family members who are completely against gays. My mom says she isn't, but I'm pretty sure she is to some extent. My stepmom is totally cool with gays and lesbians, but doesn't agree with bisexuals at all. She says they should just pick one side to like, and I remember having my throat close up when she said that.

All this time, I've kept it to myself. I didn't even tell my psychologist, but, of course, all secrets eventually find their way to the light. I got really drunk one night and started crying my soul out for some reason, so I called one of my best friends and had someone drive me to her house. When I got there, I literally cried for like two hours straight. She (and honestly, I) didn't know why I was in that state so I just started telling her about all the shit in my life: my parent's divorce, how I felt lonely, pressure from school (I know I said some other things, but I was so drunk that I don't remember them). She said that she thought there was something else bothering me, because I had told her most of those things while being sober and not sobbing, so I kind of just muttered the one little thought that had never left the corners of my mind. I told her about the girl I really, really liked and how I though I might be bisexual. Sadly, we had to end the conversation there because I had to leave, but she kept talking to me and helping me out. We went out to eat a few days ago and she brought it up again, telling me about how she thought it was the reason it had never worked out with all of the guys I've gone out with and that keeping inside and not telling anyone is not a good idea.

I don't really know. What I want more than anything is for someone to tell me that it's completely normal for someone to question their sexuality. I want someone to tell me that I'm completely and totally 100% straight...
...but I don't know if that's true and that really, really freaks me out.

Please help, and thanks.

 

Thanks guys, it really makes me feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one who has felt like this, so, honestly, thanks a lot. Im just the type of person who likes to be in control of things and, well, not being in control of this frustrates me more than it should. I don't really think that I'm comfortable dating or trying new things with girls right now, but... you're right, I shouldn't beat myself up if I'm not straight. I guess, I'll just see how it goes then.

But, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.