Questioning My Sexuality Identity

I need help with interpreting my feelings toward different genders. I'm 25, and I have been struggling with interpreting my feelings toward different genders even though I've been analyzing it for 16 years. It's not a "cut and dry" identity, and I'm very aware of sexuality is a spectrum. However, it's hard for me to identify myself with anything because I'm not able to interpret my feelings fully by myself.

Here is my background of the process toward navigating through my sexual identity.... Let’s rewind back, when I was In kindergarten & 1st grade, I had a little crush on a boy since he was so cute. When I was nine, I watched "Annie", the movie, I thought Grace, Warbucks’s secretary, was so hot, she was dancing in her nighty, which was a turn on. Then, when I was eleven, I had a best friend for several years – I had an overwhelming urge to kiss and make out with her. My family is crazy Catholic, so they assimilated me to think same-sex attraction is not normal. They were neutral with gay stuff, but they taught me hetero-normativeness. So, I was under the impression that I shall be straight because my family is. when I had an urge to kiss my best friend, I felt ashamed, scared, mortified, and plain terrible. I remember thinking that I must want to kiss boys only, so I suppressed that kissing feeling toward her.
Then I liked two boys after that; I thought they were cute, I enjoyed talking with them. However, I did not want to kiss guys. I loved their attention since I thought they were cute. I had another crazy urge to kiss and make out with one of my other close friends, who is a girl; I was 14 during that time. I was thinking what is wrong with me. I hated the feeling because I didn’t want to kiss her intentionally, I did not want to jeopardize our friendship, especially since she’s one of those homophobic Christians. I did not like myself since I had an urge to make out with her, so I suppressed those feelings even more. Then, in high school, I liked several guys, I just want to talk with them because they were cute to me. I liked the idea of me making out with them and having sex with them; however, I did not get that kissing urge toward any of the guys. I think it was like I love the idea of having sex with them, nothing more.
Then, when I was nineteen, I had crazy and intense feelings toward a family friend who’s a lady. One day after we were visiting over coffee since we are great friends, I did not stop thinking of her. I was so happy – it was like I was on a high. Then, several months later, we were celebrating since I got an award, she came to it as a surprise. When I saw her, I was like speechless. During the ceremony, I fixated her breasts. After the ceremony, I had a vision of making love to her, just like in the movie, “The Notebook”. I had that image of making love to her for a week. I was so obsessed with her. I emailed her almost everyday, I thought of her all the time. I talked about her all day, everyday. I Even wrote a song for her. I thought of her sexually. She’s been happily married since forever. Once she gave her husband a kiss, I froze, I sort of freaked out. I still have feelings toward her, but I try to control My actions with her, by emailing her less often.
I still like guys ‘cuz they are good-looking. Whenever I see guys, I just want to rub their shoulders, I love talking with them. I was dating a guy for 9 months, but I was not emotionally there for him because I was distracted; I was thinking of the that family friend when I was with him. Last year when I see a lady, a chill goes through out my body, it happened two times. How do I interpret these feelings? How can I describe myself?

 

Thank you so much for the helpful feedback from you two! I really appreciate it!!! I can see that my sexuality could be on the bisexual continuum but leaning more towards females. I'm not familiar with the term of "romantic attraction".... Hmm, what does romantic attraction mean? Is it like emotional attraction? I've never shared emotional/sexual intimacy with a guy before, so my past relationships with guys were not that deep. I don't know whether I like guys for the romantic aspects, too. Hmm, I like the idea of someone, regardless of gender, woes me over. I agree that hetero-normativeness influenced my suppression of attraction toward girls when I was a teen. Makes me think for sure! Again, thanks so much to you both for your help.

 

What you are saying makes so much sense! I think I'm romantic attracted towards women. Everything's clicking together now. So, thank you so much! I really appreciate it!!!! You two rock!