Hello everybody! I am having a major depression now, I am confused and really need some help from guys with some experience. It's very hard at the age of 32 not to know who you really are and asking others to tell you if you are gay or bi, but still here I am and I'll try to be as honest as I can possibly be. I remember myself liking girls and having crushes on them since I can remember myself, I enjoyed fantasizing about girls and masturbating, but during puberty (12-15) I also had few occasions when I masturbated to some boys of my age and younger.. and also enjoyed it. The problem with this is that I had very high sex drive back than ( still have) and the few kids I found attractive back then were mostly with feminine features(Long hair, girly face, girl like legs). When I met that kid again after two years as he grew older and his features became more masculine I had zero attraction towards him at that point. Because of my sex drive I once enjoyed even masturbating while looking at the pictures of apes ( Sorry, I know this sounds terrible) and so I thought that could not possibly mean I am also into animals and thought it was just a period in life of sexual confusion and it would pass. Since than I enjoyed my heterosexual life, but this ghost from the past never completely let me go and I always had this terrible feeling that one day I would have to face it and deal with it. I even started drinking because of this thoughts. Two months ago I had some health issues and I had to move from the city, stop drinking and change my lifestyle in a remote Village and that's when horror started. I am without girls for a long period of time and basically one on one with myself and this ghost from the past has at last caught me. Sometimes images of male genitals pop up in mind. Now I think that I might be gay or bi, that I lived all my life in denial and it's terrible(I live in a very homophobic country). Something deep inside want's to cry out that I am gay(not even bi) and I think I will feel better and free after that, no confusions any more, but the problem is I am not sure that I truly am. I can notice if a guy has feminine features and somehow like it, but attraction isn't as strong with girls, after all guys could not possible be more feminine than girls and I just don't like guys who actually look like...real guys . And that is a problem with me, because of that I still can't decide who I am and if I come out, what I should be calling myself ? I mean if guy is masculine, no matter how attractive he is considered by majority, even if he's Brad Pitt, I have zero attraction towards him sexually. And if a guy has girl's face and long hair, I can see it as attractive, but not cause he is a guy, but because he looks a little bit like a girl. Or maybe I am in denial ? On top of that I was never into gay porn and stuff like that, but now I think maybe I just repressed my true feelings ? When I am with a girl i like it, genuinely. I don't have to think about men while having sex with women. I like women and their body parts and their facial features, but now I am thinking maybe I was lying to myself all the time and I made myself to like it all the time when actually I did not? Or maybe I liked girls, but like guys more and I just repressed subconsciencely my deeper feelings ? I was reading over and over again this forum. Reading gay men's experiences with women and comparing them to my own. I never had to imagine guys when I was with girls, I always liked being with girls, but maybe it was indeed lacking something special and I just don't know through ignorance ? Also those puberty experiences just won't let me go and won't let me think I am hetero. Because of that I started compulsive behavior, masturbating to straight and gay porn and indeed I started noticing that when I think about girls I can ejaculate but somehow the feeling during orgasm isn't that deep any more, it's like euphoria and sensation of relief stops to early, though that could be also because I was doing this for so long and so often that it became mechanical to some point . or maybe cause I have major depression and I made myself believe that it should be that way? I am not sure in anything at this point, it's so painful. When I think of guys or watch gay porn I see just...guys. With beards and hairy chests and I have zero attraction to that, I could not achieve even slight arousal at first, but than I tried more and more and continued to masturbate even though I had no erection and I said I would not stop until I cum. So I had to think of girls at moments when I started too lose erection but at last it happened and it was a strange feeling, it was orgasm but combined with a feeling of deep shame and relief, I was like: At last I did it ! Did what I was afraid of for so long! and This sensation of deeper relief which I stopped to feel when masturbating on girls. Today I tried to do it again, but this time I just could not repeat it. It's really hard for me to masturbate thinking of guys or watching gay porn, but if I start fantasizing on girls, get erection and than I switch my thought to guys at some point it becomes possible, but why is that so hard ? Could it be that I just traumatized myself so much ? Suppressed my desires that much that I can not get erection when watching guys any more ? I tried very hard, tried to get rid of anxiety and not suppress my true feelings, but it just won't work, I can't get aroused by guys, unless I think of something feminine, or imagine female body parts and after that in some case it could work, but with great tension and it does not come as natural and easy as it happens when with girls. With girls it's just easy and natural and in all honesty if there is not something feminine about those guys, it's as sexual to me as watching a tree, it's not gross or repulsive, it's just not sexual. I could do it if I tried to hard and used some tricks, but overall it's not that enjoyable in the process. Maybe I repressed my feelings ? I trained myself to this condition ? when with girls it happens so easy and with guys I subconsciencly " trained myself into not liking it" ? So, I know, this all sounds very confusing, and sorry for post that is so long, but still can some one tell me what's wrong with me ? If I am gay(deep down I don't want to be), how could I traumatize myself that much, that I can not get erection on guys ? Can denial do that to you? Was anybody in a same boat? Maybe I can not understand something, but people with greater experience help me to make it more clear for me. Any help would be greatly appreciated, cause I think I am really losing my mind.
Can I ask to delete this post? Seems like I am to weird for other people to be understood. Now I am obsessed with this post and all the time checking for answers, but there are none.
The one option that you don't seem to be considering is that you're straight. I'm not seeing much in your story to indicate that you're gay - even allowing for sexuality being fluid rather than a hard either/or situation. You say that you can feel some attraction to more feminine guys - so do lots of gay guys - but then a lot of gay guys can tell if a woman is attractive - while still being completely gay. It's possible you might be bi, leaning more toward women (it's not a 50-50 attraction for many people), I suppose. You seem to have a pretty flexible fantasy life, but even there you consistently don't find pleasure in thinking about men or sex with men. Forcing yourself to orgasm doesn't really prove anything any more than occasionally not being able to get an erection with a woman (or a man if someone is gay) proves anything. It does sound like you are developing a bit of obsessive behavior, focused on the issue of your sexuality. If possible, you should probably seek professional treatment for that, along with your depression - assuming you can do so safely in your country, given that you say it is a pretty homophobic place. My 2c worth, Todd
I think I can actually provide some unique perspective here. I too am attracted to femininity. I thought I was attracted enough to some feminine guys that I would never have to come out and accept my true sexuality. Well, at the age of 30, I finally did some much needed soul searching. I am a lesbian. There are no sexual feelings with guys, but they are there with girls. It's only a personality thing with me for guys and with girls it's so much more. You are the only one who can truly know who are, but you sound like a straight guy "version of myself". I hope that helps.
Thank you for your answers and your time so much. I have really hard period in my life, so I am just lost, I needed to talk to someone. I feel so lonely. All day long some voices inside my head telling me that I am gay, or bi and I must come out. Than I feel that my life is so meaningless, that I am losing myself. I don't know who am I any more. I am depressed to the point that sometimes I even regret that I am not 100 percent gay. In that case I at least would know who am I! And only problem would be to tell to others. Now I don't know myself who am I(( I just want to be myself again, I don't want to live my life without a woman... I can not imagine getting older and living with a man, or having sex with one.. It's just wrong for me, but these images and voices just won't let me go. I confessed to myself several times that I am gay and I felt some heavy weight fell of my chest and I could breeze freely, sunlight became brighter at exact same moment.. but problem is that can not be true, I at least like women and I know that.. but feeling of relief is so real at those moments that I just don't know what to do any more, I am lost in the middle of nowhere. I have this heaviness, this feeling of guilt and that I am hiding something from everyone and I had this feelings since I was a boy and it was just killing me inside very slowly. I have this feeling that it will never let me go unless I tell everybody that I am not straight I am so depressed that I already hate sexuality and sex all together, with it's labels and coming out rituals. I've never been so open to anybody during entire my life and this society and entire humankind is really, really fucked up if I can not be this open to my friends, family, my church and in the most critical moment of my life only unknown people from internet support and comfort me.
