How do you know if your gay or...

As someone who had a traumatic event with a guy, thought I was bi for a while, and realized I wasn't, I really can understand what you might be going through.

The really distinguishing thing for me was thinking and deciding whether or not I could truly imagine my future with a guy, or if it was something desirable for me. When I realized my lack of any attraction, I realized I really wasn't as bi as I had previously thought. Of course, it really did help for me to actually get back out into the world and try dating again. I dated a guy and felt awkward and uncomfortable, realizing that this really wasn't for me.

Don't think that you can just identify as bi and that'll make the problems disappear. It's really hard to pretend you're straight when you're really not, especially since there's a part of you that's attracted to girls. Whatever you do, don't bury that part of you, otherwise, you'll just feel emotionally bottled up and ready to explode.

 

First off, I would just like to say I really truly believe you can be happy if you are gay. And I don't think I would be alone in this view. Yes, it can be so so hard, especially when you're first trying to accept yourself and come out to people. But that doesn't mean you won't ever be happy.

I can understand why you say that if you were bisexual then you feel like you wouldn't have to tell anyone about your attraction to women and could live a seemingly heterosexual life. I understand this. But I think it would hinder your happiness.

For me, I am sure I have a strong attraction to women, whereas men I'm just kind of a little hum drum about. Sometimes though I feel like I have a choice; I could try and ignore how I feel about women and just go with what I'm 'meant' to like (men) because it might be easier in some sense. Could I do it? Yeah I probably could. Would I ever feel truly happy though? Most likely not. And the main reason behind this is I would be ignoring this huge part of myself. And I don't think anyone can be really happy ignoring something about themselves, I think in many many ways this would be harder in the long run than accepting the full picture of ourselves.

Of course I don't know what environment you are living in, who your friends and family are and how accepting they would be. Only you know this.
From what you've said though, you know for sure you are, and have been before your bad experience with guys happened, attracted to women. This is a part of you, regardless of whether you are bisexual or gay or something in between. But it is ultimately your choice whether you decide to try and accept this, or not.

In regards to whether you are attracted to men or not, again this is something only you can know. And perhaps at the moment, because of your experience, you might not be attracted to men, and that's totally totally okay and understandable. You might get further down the track and realise that maybe you are attracted to men, and that is okay too. You might also realise that you aren't attracted to men at all, regardless of your bad experience. This is all okay.
Maybe time will reveal to you how you feel; you don't have to have all the answers right now
Something to ponder: how did you feel about men before the bad experiences?

I have struggled a lot with trying to figure out how I really feel, and trying to sift through all the layers of questioning to find out where my heart really sits, so my heart goes out to you x My advice would be to go easy on yourself, try not feel hurried into deciding where exactly you sit on the spectrum, and try to accept and be okay with your attraction to women. Ask as many questions as you need to on these forums, and maybe even contact one of the advisors here privately for some one on one advice.

I really hope you find some peace within yourself and your identity x Hugs to you!

 

I really do want to say I'm sorry about the position you are in. It's rough. But don't kick yourself over it. (*hug*)

You're not going out of your way to hurt your parents. You haven't done anything to hurt them, they've just taken offense to something that you can't control. It's not a choice you are making to be attracted to women, and they can't understand that. As for dating the guy, you did it to appease your mom, so it wasn't like you were using him for your own personal benefit. You've been pressured by your parents.

My advice would be to find a support group at your university, and see if you can talk to people there. I know it's hard to not have the support of your parents, but maybe someday they'll see. Or, they'll at least tolerate it, and realize it's just who you are and not something to be controlled or locked away.

Sending you lots of love! (&&&)

 

I get were you are coming from SO much. Like you, I have had sexual trauma. It was my first sexual experience. The thing that went through my head sometimes was that "made me gay". Maybe that's the same with you now. However, I can see there was a genuine sexual confusion dating back to high school, which is before that experience. Looking back there was never any real sexual attraction to guys. I did things to convince myself I was straight (or at least attracted to men). I now realize this. Did you have any attraction to men before the trauma? That is what helped me settle it in my mind.

"I feel like it would be so much easier if I was bi because then I could just date only guys and never have to tell my parents and live a straight life and my family would be happy and I would be happy and it would be all good."

I had that exact same thought in my head for many years. You need to do what feels right for you. It's difficult I know. All I know is I am happier and more content with my life than I was in the past. Don't worry. Be happy. That's easier typed than thought I know. (*hug*)