Hey... So I'm totally new here and made an account specifically for this. I'm not really sure how to go about this but I'll do my best. Okay to start, I am a girl and I identify as Androgynous. Some days I love to go all out femme but when I slip on more masculine cloths there's just this deep fire in my heart that burns and tells me "you fucking LOVE this" "This is who you want to be." I love makeup, I love dressing up but if I'm going femme I like to go extreme. When I go masculine those are usually my lazy days or my "girls, just fucking sit on my face" days. I grew up indifferent to gender roles and dated boys because I just thought that's how it was- even if I felt no romantic attraction towards them. I knew I was physically and romantically attracted to women ever since I could remember. They were beautiful and so captivating. But I always had a thing for older alpha males as well (for security reasons. Finances, stability, provider mentality etc. Nothing as romantically involved as being with a woman. A pretty shallow desire in my opinion.) Now to explain why I /need/ to make a decision... I simply can't accept liking both, or better yet- I cannot allow it to continue. It's not in my best interest when we're talking about it effecting my health and mental state. Manic depression runs in my family along with a couple other "Manic" related issues. I am two absolutely different people depending on weather or not i'm dating a girl- or a boy. When I date a boy I automatically fall into the "female" stereotype. I stop wearing the masculine cloths that make me feel best when I'm having my different days and I try to do what I know /they/ want to see. leaving me feeling half baked and as if they only love me for a fraction of what I actually am. (Okay, I did date a bi guy once and it was pretty great that I could wear boy cloths and he was really into it but that's unrelated!) Regardless of these details I still- to this day. Can not. Get romantically attracted to a guy. I'm with a guy right now (for security and support reasons) but we have amazing body chemistry. Like. kisses you wouldn't believe and he's a touch person who you an feel is actually "feeling you" not just "touching you". Anyways. I really like this guy. but he is so not open to the tomboy stuff. He wants to see butt and boobs "if you got it you should flaunt it" and if I go tomboy and wear my favorite "unrevealing cloths" I see his interest just plummet. and it fuckin hurts.... I feel that he is holding on to that little 25% of what he really likes of me and making that all of me while being not so jazzed about the other 75%. Like..... How fucking rude.... He says he can change and get use to it and stuff but honestly. What I want- people are either born with, or not. There is no learning it... SO I dont know. I feel soooooooo stifled with him even if things are great sexually. Now. On the flip side. Lets go back 8 years. I met my soul mate who was a girl (who I thought was a boy) in highschool when I started at a new school after moving to another state. She had been randomly complementing me in the hallways as she passed by. I never got a chance to do anything but give her a few looks of "what a douchebag kind of guy, complementing and ditching AND you're with your girlfriend while you're doing it."... Later on after being left at school after hours I hung out with a close friend of mine named Chris. He saw his friend and brought him over... AND IT WAS THE DOUCHE DUDE.... Then chris told me "she"...... and I fucking flipped. I thought this person was the most attractive person I had ever seen- regardless of gender. and now that I knew he- was actually a she. I felt my heart explode..... (Small side note. I got kicked out of the private christian school right before this school because I flirted with a girl over written notes. I didn't think anything of it at all. I never felt I had to "come out" or anything. It was just natural.) so anyways. with this new found info I was actually interested in this girl. Even if she was dating someone else. (come to find out that it was a terrible relationship that was already off and on and her girlfriend already left her a couple times. hence why she wasnt shy about complementing me around her.) okay... now fastforward. I end up getting sent to military boarding school one month after being at that school. Me and her never got to hang out but we talked over Yahoo Messanger till the day I left. I go to Mil-School we end up dating other people because we couldnt handle the distance. now. fast forwards again- years later. She was still the only person I was ever attracted too like that. I've dated a lot more guys but not another girl and it sucked. Fast forward to my parents divorcing and moving across the US to live with moms new boyfriend (who I had never met) and things got shitty. I hadnt talked to this girl in years now.... But.. I came across her number on our old myspace accounts... I texted her asking her to marry me out of nowhere and we fell right back into things.... Fast forward a little more- My parents removed me from the school system. I moved back to SC with my dad and brothers and... Me and girl finally got to see each-other in person for the first time since we first met... Automatic fireworks for the both of us. We did so much cute shit and we were so romantic. It was the best thing I had ever experienced. I was SUCH A LESBIAN FOR HER. She was masculine, a big ol' tomboy, mixed black and white. she danced and sang and did everything I ever wanted to do and she was so fucking /cool/. haha. Okay. Enough of me fan girling about my past. Fast forward some more- Me and this girl move in together. Terrible living situation we were poor as shit. life was hard. I lived with her for 3 years. Some shit happened. I finally got my own place and tried to get her to move in with me. Things didn't work out. Our relationship was dying. We didn't know how to handle such intense love. We break up. I am officially too scared to date girls and get attached again. I stay single for 2 years after just working on myself. We tried to talk again- didn't work out. I still wanted her / so badly / but we would try and it would fail. we were terrified of a relationship...... Even through all of this. I fucking love that girl. TO DEATH. I would do anything to have her back an have the healthy relationship we deserved so long ago.... See... I can go through all of that with a girl and still want to be with her.... For guys- they just said one thing wrong and I was /out/. I dropped them so fast and with hardly any emotional attachment. The only pain I felt was my pride being bruised because I just told myself " You dont like guys anyways. You don't mind sex with them, its fun. But you know you never get attached to guys." I mean c'mon. I don't have a fear of penises. I don't hate them. Strap ons are fun too. It's not like im a girl who's just like " I DONT LIKE ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH A PENIS" and that makes it hard. I can use a guy for sex and think nothing of it..... I could never do that to a girl.... I like who I am better when I'm with a girl. I do my best, I try harder, I give more emotional support, I feel better about myself. I can feel that I wont get lazy and be like "its the guys job" or some misandry bullshit my mind thinks when I'm with a guy... I feel bad for the guys I date... I dont want to have to try with a guy. I dont like the way their minds are wired.... GAH. See this makes everything sound so obvious but still.... I like a guy taking care of me. I like being able to sit back more. But that's so shallow. I don't want to use anyone. especially if its just a case of "dialing it back so I can relax" with a girl. Guys... I'm just so confused. I can date both. But I seriously just know deep down... If I'm dating a guy... I'm using him. For sex, money, attention.... I want relationships and it seems I only have those with girls.... The way they make me feel is unreal.... Guys always feel sub-par and because of that, I treat them poorly.... Is that the sign I need to be focused on??? I keep thinking- well I don't have a problem having sex with guys so its fine, I can be pansexual. but really..... Am I just a fucking lesbian?? Nothing else makes my heart feel the way women do. Does just being willing to have sex with a male make me pan? even if I don't feel anything but bodily pleasure? Using them for a body part and material stuff? I dont want to be that kind of person.... Ugh. Okay. I'll stop here I feel like I've said too much. But I'm just so back and forth I felt like just letting things spew would really help portray my feelings about this.
Wow ... that's a sitcom/TV show there .. lots of info .. The simple answer is, what makes your "go" button work best .. you'll figure it out, because it will become natural to you. If your bi, than you have two buttons ... if not, it will become more clear.
If you are bisexual, there really isn't anything you can do to change it and trying to suppress may only end up hurting you. I also act differently depending on the gender of my partner, and I've met other bi/pan people who are the same. It isn't something awful in my opinion, just a part of who you are. From your post though, it sounds more like you are homosexual. You say you don't feel romantic or emotional attraction to men and you aren't particularly bothered about sex with men. Not every homosexual person is fully repulsed by different genders, it's perfectly valid to just feel indifference towards them - likewise, there are a lot of gay (and straight) people who are capable of attraction towards genders outside of their preference, it just doesn't happen for them often. (Sidenote, there are plenty of straight men who wouldn't care if their partner was gender-neutral/a tomboy. I had one for a year or so before I came out as trans, then we split since he understandably lost attraction to me as a male. Also I feel like if your partner doesn't respect your gender expression/gender identity, he's not a keeper and is most likely going to be detrimental to your mental health. But that's just my opinion.)
Thanks guys. Writing this post alone really helped me get my head on straight but. I'm still pretty confused. What you guys are saying is basically what I've told myself. I'm such a big person for "love is love" "I love someone for their soul not their body" but.... Our bodies do determine a lot about how we function as human beings physically and mentally... I'm still only drawn to girls in so many ways. Sometimes I just worry I keep the door open for guys because its always been easy for me to hook up with a guy when I'm feeling lonely since they seem to be drawn to me. I just can't differentiate between my actual desires and what I do for the sake of convenience... or if that makes any difference really? Gah. I sure hope things click into place. The further along I get the more I lean towards full on lesbian but part of me really hates to pass opportunities.... And then I see myself writing that and I just feel like a terrible person. *cries*
This may be unrelated... But I just had a mini breakthrough as I was brushing my teeth before bed..... I suffer from depression obviously enough. I also suffer from a lot of food intolerances. These things mixed together can sometimes give me a nasty cocktail of emotions that can lead to thoughts of suicide.... now it may be coincidence. But I just realized I have more suicidal thoughts when im dating men.... It may just be tha my body chemistry is off or maybe I messed up my diet. But thinking back. When I dated my ex girlfriend. I never got those thoughts even when I probably should have. I've never consciously related my bad thoughts to men but I have noticed I do get in really bad slumps when I date guys... maybe it really is a sign that im not feeling fulfilled or even that I feel so out of place with myself.... hmm... food for thought. I'll keep this in mind for now on since im still in a relationship with a guy right now.. if it continues even after fixing my diet and hormones. I may have my answer.
