I am a bisexual man and monogamous with a very supportive wife. I have really enjoyed not having to be the straight manly man every time we have sex since I came out to her. I still like doing that too, but sometimes I feel like being much more feminine in bed. We also purchased some realistic toys to allow me to explore my gay desires. I am usually very comfortable throughout intimacy and have incredibly intense pleasure doing these things. But sometimes after we finish, I start having very heavy guilty feelings. I feel like all the negative things I've ever heard or been told about gay people comes at me like a tsunami of judgement and there is no high ground to run to. It usually doesn't stay really bad and negative long, but for anywere from a few minutes to a few hours, I can sometimes really hate myself as the thoughts keep on and on. When I get over it, its almost like flipping a switch. I go from thinking horrible things about myself and my gay desires to a quick change of mood and feeling how silly it is to be questioning it all over again since I've been through it over and over and always end up sooner or later identifying with my gay desires and thoughts as being perfectly okay. While it may sound great that I work my way back to acceptance, the roller coaster is hell. Going from intense emotional and physical pleasure in a mode of full acceptance in the bedroom followed by intense rejection and then back to full acceptance is a seriously wide range of emotions and feelings to experience in a short amount of time. I remember that I had post-ejaculatory guilt when I was a teenager whenever I masturbated and eventually it went away. Is my current problem maybe similar to that post masturbation guilt? I was told that was wrong, so I always felt guilty about it. Maybe I'm getting the same thing from acting out my gay desires, a post intimacy guilt because I was told gay is wrong and I just allowed myself to fully embrace my desires and enjoy physical pleasure from them. Has anyone else experienced this?
Well toys don't exactly equal the real thing, plus you are with your wife. Lots of straight dudes like that kind of stuff in the bedroom and have no desire at all to be with another guy... So its not like you are outside the norm for bedroom antics. I have not had those kinds of feelings, so its hard to relate to your position. But I think if you focus more on you and your wife no matter who is doing what in the bedroom, the guilt will go away. It is not wrong and while not everyone is doing it, there are lots of people who are. Enjoy the intimacy you have with your wife toys or no toys.
