Hello, I'm a 17 soon 18 year old girl from France and I've been questioning my sexuality for a while now. When I was a kid I lived with very conservative grandparents, for them the simple fact my school was a mixed gender school was already too much. I was always taught to be away from boys, couldn't go out alone with boys and even the simple fact of having a guy in my group for some sort of assignment made my grandfather call the school to complain about how he didn't want me working with boys. So, to make it simple, they always made me feel like the only thing I could date were boys and dating was wrong. That didn't stop me from appreciating innocent male company at school or to actually have crushes on people, but I just felt ashamed, guilty, and never told anyone about me feeling some sort of attraction for someone else as I knew it was wrong. And to be honest, I'm still ashamed to a certain point even now. It all changed when I moved to the big city, Paris, to pursue my studies, I started living with my father and his wife and kids when I was around 14. I had always been a tomboy, I came from a village, I liked dirt and playing with cars, I hated pink and I never wore dresses or skirts, never played with dolls and always wore my hair in a ponytail. My parents had a much more "modern" way of viewing sexuality so talking about the fact that "X celebrity is very attractive etc..." was not taboo, even if I always felt in the incapacity of talking about it with them as I felt, once again, ashamed of finding someone romantically or sexually attractive. At this point, my sexuality was never something I thought about, I was straight and would probably end up alone as I couldn't bring myself to assume my attraction to someone, that plus the fact I was never physically appealing to the eye, made me just leave my sexual and romantic life aside. That was until, as I aged, my father started asking more and more about my romantic relationships and asking me a few times if I was a lesbian, thing I always denied even if, as years went by, it became more and more of a possibility. In 10th grade, I started living in my school's campus, and seeing as almost everyone had a partner, I started trying to value myself more, I might not be attractive like the other girls but I have qualities of my own and I shouldn't deprive myself of other's affection because of my own insecurities and shame. That boosted my confidence a little and I started to feel like I could look at people more, like I could actually allow myself to feel attracted to someone, even if once again, I still had a long way to go. At that moment I started realising that not only boys were interesting, but so were girls. They were pretty and often a more mature and shared more point of views with me, which ended up making me feel more at ease with them. I started feeling like I could assume the fact that I might like a girl more than a boy, even if I still didn't feel like I had the courage to ask someone out, until this girl did. She was very nice and a good friend so, swallowing my fears and insecurities, I accepted. Unfortunately we ended up having different ways of living and too many different tastes, so I ended up breaking up with her after a month, we are still friends. Another girl asked me out a few months later, she was very intelligent and we had a lot in common but I just couldn't feel that close to her. I liked her, but I knew she liked me away more than I did, she truly cared and made a lot for me, away more than I deserved. I ended up breaking up with her after around 2 months, we also stayed friends. I started thinking that maybe I wasn't into girls after all. Maybe I was misunderstanding my feelings. Even if it was a harsh conclusion just after two short relationships, since I didn't feel that close to my 2 girlfriends and still felt somewhat uncomfortable around boys I ended up feeling like maybe I just didn't like any gender, that maybe I felt some sort of attraction but in the end couldn't really love anyone. Another girl appeared in my life and she was great, actually someone I felt like making efforts for. I wanted to be with her and actually kiss her even if I was and still probably am, a terrible kisser, and I didn't care that much with her. I don't know if I ever started to actually like like her but she made me happy. But, to make it short, after around 3 months she started having doubts about her sexuality, I tried to support her but after a while we both agreed it was maybe better to break up as the relationship was leading nowhere. And this leads us pretty much to where I am now. A few guys have asked me out since but I couldn't bring myself to give them a chance. I've had crushes on guys but I just don't feel myself confortable enough around them to actually go on dates. Despite the fact that going out with these 3 people made me feel a little better about myself and less ashamed, I still think that one day my partner will just realise I'm not that good, specially physically and I think that that's why I unconsciously don't allow myself to actually feel attached to anyone. And all of this makes me wonder about my sexuality, with my father asking me if I'm a lesbian, my roommate also telling me she is convinced I am a lesbian and the fact that maybe I just feel more comfortable around girls because I was told when little to stay away from boys I just can figure myself out. I feel like people are more than their gender and that I could eventually fall in love with anyone if they just have the right personality but I can't stop wondering if maybe gender stil as an importance to me after all or if I'm even capable of loving someone...or maybe I just don't have enough experience to figure something out? I'm just confused and feel like I can't talk about this to anyone as no one around me would understand what I'm really going through. I don't expect anyone here to just figure out my sexuality for myself either, I'm just looking for some advice and just talk what's in my head I guess. Anyway, thank you for taking your time reading and sorry for the grammar mistakes I might have made.
The way your grandparents acted around sexuality definitely wasn't right, I'm sorry you had to go through that and how it still affects you. I'm sure that you're a beautiful and kind woman, and anyone worth your attention will be able to see that and love you for who you are. From the sounds of it, I think you do have attraction to women in some respect but your relationships so far just haven't worked out. From an alternate perspective, if you remove history from the equation - would you assume that you are gay if three straight relationships didn't work? If you feel attraction, it's likely that you do have an interest in women but have so far been unlucky. With men it sounds a lot more complicated - it's hard to say if it is just the way you were raised or if you simply don't feel attraction to them by default. It'd be impossible to say without disecting your feelings, which is something best done with a professional, and even then only you would be able to say for sure. It sounds like a lot of this is caused by the views you were raised with regarding sexuality. If you are concerned about your feelings towards men, it might be an idea to speak with a therapist about your self-image and your shame with relationships, they might be able to help you sort out your thoughts and be more comfortable with yourself. My personal opinion is that people should let attraction come to them as and when it will, and not try to worry too much about what the gender of the person attracting them is - if the need for a label is there, you could call yourself queer and possibly adjust it later if you become more certain. I hope this helps!
Thank you for your reply, I did think about getting professional help at some point but part of me still believed I could figure this out on my own. I guess you are right, I'm probably thinking too much of those last relationships, it's just that as time goes by it frustrates me not to understand myself better so I'm trying to figure myself out with what I can. I do agree that I should just let it go and see where all of this takes me, romantically speaking, but with everyone asking questions about my sexuality, I can't help but feel cornered at the fact that I really don't know, which isn't the best feeling at all. Thank you again still, I appreciate your help and I'll try to follow your opinion.
I understand the feeling of being cornered, I've had similar situations happen. I used to identify as gay despite finding women extremely attractive because I'd never actually entertained the thought of being with a woman, then when I did get a female crush it threw me for a helluva loop. The people that I told about it basically demanded to know then and there if I was bi, straight, gay, or what, and I ended up having a breakdown over it. My sexuality bothered me for about a year before I realised something: I'm too lazy to disect the ins and outs of what interests me and why. So now I just take the attraction as it comes. Not an ideal lifestyle for everyone, but works for me. The fact of the matter is that others pressuring you (and you pressuring yourself) for the answers probably won't help, it will just cause stress. Some people instinctively know their sexuality, others have to feel it out very carefully to know what they want, and if you need time to sort through your feelings (possibly with a professional) then there is nothing wrong with telling people that you're currently questioning and would prefer not to talk about it.
Haha, I guess it makes me feel less alone to know someone went under the same thing in a way. And thank you for your advice, it does make me feel a little better to be honest.
