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Lesbian or Asexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by laviedadele, Aug 20, 2016.

  1. laviedadele

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    I'm so frustrated with myself for getting so muddled again after a good stint. I'm sorry its long, any insight would be very helpful.

    I went on holiday and was really happy with myself, accepting I'm probably gay. Gorgeous women would catch my eye and I'd do anything to steal glances at them. One beautiful girl turned as she passed us and stared into my soul, and I made us get up and walk to a shop in the direction she went (lol), didn't spot her again though. I warmed to a couple of gay guys we met, I think because they were gay. When two straight girls were joking about lesbians and who would the "butch" one out of them, I felt a bit personally offended. I wanted to be near two other I thought were together because seeing them made me feel happy. We were in a bar and all around were straight men (many sleazy), I was bored and hated it. Had zero interest in being chatted up by them. A guy with long curly hair caught my eye, I realised probably because for a split second I thought he was a girl. When a girl I'm chatting to (met online) messaged me I would be SO happy, grinning. Met a guy who wasn't sleazy. Was the nicest person and what I would call "marriage material". Very good looking and fit, but did I want to kiss him? No way. Just felt blank.

    Thats how I feel about guys, blank. I'm scared of the thing between their legs. I don't think I want anything to do with it. I've had crushes on guys, at least I think they were crushes. Wanting to impress them, look good for them, be near them, kiss them, but then if I've kissed them I have felt nothing. Maybe alcohol being involved made them crap kisses?

    I've enjoyed making more guy friends at university, as I didn't have many at school. And I haven't had significant guy crushes since I've accepted my attraction to girls. I like being friends with them and having fun like a brother, and more so if they're good-looking, but sometimes I worry they'd get the wrong idea. So maybe what I thought were crushes were just me getting excited about a new type of friend? Sort of like a high that I can now be comfortable around a group of people I was previously intimidated by.

    I don't know if what I feel towards women is sexual attraction or not. I definitely have deeper emotional connections with women, my friends. But they seem to be in a separate box to the girls I stop and stare at in the street and feel drawn to and want to be near. I like the idea of sex with a woman. I get this tingly feeling thinking about girls, but not girls that I know well. I don't salivate or get wet or anything. I think I expect a lesbian me to be like a horny hetero man regarding women, which I'm just not.

    My best friend knows I've been questioning. I've been wanting to talk to her about liking girls for a long time, it had been building up. I finally brought it up. She asked who I would seek if I were to re-downloade t*****, which she knows I used. I said just girls, which is true, I would have no interest in looking for guys on that app. Guys just seem boring. I told her that I've always felt different in that respect, that I can't see myself with a guy and that I feel I need to pursue women. Like properly coming out, scary but I actually felt comfortable. She was so supportive, spoke about the spectrum and how she's sure my family won't care. Which was a huge relief as I'd felt she'd been ignoring what had been such a big deal for me to tell her a few months ago.

    But now I'm worried what I told her isn't true. Another friend asked me about my love life, and I just couldn't tell her. Because I suddenly felt so unsure. Am I just wanting women because I'm scared of guys? Is it because being a closeted lesbian is a good reason for being a virgin? I can't imagine anyone finding me attractive, especially lesbians. If they did I think the fog in my mind would clear. I want to meet up with the girl I'm talking to but she lives a train ride away and I have no spare time to do so. I want to have counselling but I also have no time and can't afford it. I can't ask to borrow money for it from my parents without coming out to them and I'm not ready.

    And... I really really don't want to be asexual.
     
  2. Creativemind

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    If you like the idea of sex with a woman, you're probably not asexual. This is classic homosexuality.

    Not every lesbian is horny all the time and wants to pick up every chick they see, and not every lesbian is attracted to all or even most girls. It took me a while to figure out what my type was, but from what you describe, you're already attracted to random girls you see which is already more than most lesbians I know.

    The idea that lesbians are like "horny hetero men regarding women" is ridiculous. They're more like straight women regarding women. The genders act the same regardless of what gender we're attracted to, and the idea that women are less sexual and are more likely to be sexually attracted to personality over looks is factual regardless if that woman is straight or gay. Of course there are exceptions, but this is just basic female biology.
     
  3. laviedadele

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    Thanks for you reply, it's really helpful to hear that what I feel could be normal for a type of lesbian. As ridiculous as that sounds.

    Just to clarify, I wasn't saying that I think lesbians are like that. I was saying that I seem to I expect myself to be like that to be a lesbian. I guess it comes from heteronormative society and probably some denial telling myself "you don't think of girls like that so you can't be gay"
     
    #3 laviedadele, Aug 20, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2016
  4. Creativemind

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    Oh no, I wasn't saying you thought all lesbians were like that. I was more so coming from the idea that lesbians are stereotyped as being like "straight men" from society so it was understandable that you bought into that internalized idea which can cause the misconception.
     
  5. Sayonara

    Sayonara Guest

    I relate.