Deep breath and here I go...

I'm not sure where to start so I apologize if this gets a bit rambling and long-winded. I'm also going to apologize ahead of time if I use incorrect or possibly inadvertently sound like an idiot by using the wrong terminology. This is probably going to sound like a therapy session but since I can't afford therapy, you guys are it! lol

My natural mother was abusive and spent most of my teen years calling me a whore and worse, nevermind that she had an abortion at 18, got pregnant a month later, slept with two guys that same month, married my father, and here I am. She spent my teen years (after their divorce) running around like a wild teenager and sleeping with new men every other month and rarely being home. This left me with a warped sense of romantic relationships and feelings about my own sexuality, being a "whore," etc.

So, in my teen years I dated a lot of men. I slept with a lot of men trying to earn their love and loyalty. Like many teens, I just wanted to feel safe and feel like I belonged. I wanted to believe that there was a romance-novel happily-ever-after for me away from everything else. If I could just find the right man, everything in my life would fall into place. Unfortunately, majority of these men were abusive as well, physically, emotionally, verbally.

I got married too young at 20 to a man I barely knew. After 10 years of an abusive, controlling marriage to a sociopath and three kids, I left, got some college education, and married another man. This one is not abusive at all. He's actually kind of a nonentity in my life at this point. During my first marriage, I developed a repulsion to my then-husband. I couldn't have sex with him unless I was seriously drunk. I could no longer orgasm at all. Things I used to love about sex no longer did anything for me to excite me. After our divorce, I tried dating other men but I still felt that repulsion. With my husband now, same thing. A platonic kiss on the lips doesn't bother me at all but I can't handle other things.

For a while (several years) during this second marriage I had an extramarital relationship with a much younger man who lived 1200 miles away (my husband knew about this and was okay with me exploring it). For a while, this relationship did excite me sexually, but looking back, I think it was because he made me feel young and beautiful and desirable. He was also easily controlled and after having nothing but controlling men in most of my life (aside from my father and current husband) that was a powerful feeling for me. However, after the first year I again began to feel the same repulsion towards him. This happened during a period when he moved here and I saw him every day instead of just having the online thing and occasional visits.

So, now here I am 10 years into my second marriage and I've been "asexual" for a good many years. I say it with quotes because I've been asexual as far as my feelings about men go. I keep trying to find a man I'm attracted to but as soon as I start getting to know them I am repulsed and frustrated. There is nothing wrong with my marriage. It's a good marriage. He treats me wonderfully and I have no complaints other than usual married people stuff - he didn't take out the trash, did you pay the power bill, etc. He is a fantastic friend and we have a lot of in common and always have fun and laugh when we hang out or go out. So, this is not a case of "bad marriage and/or bored."

So, where do girls fit in on this? Do they fit in on this? I have always admired beautiful women. "I wish I had hair like hers." "I wish I had a great butt like her." I'd go gay for Shakira jokes. Etc. Two years ago I accidentally met a woman online who professed to be a lesbian. She ended up catfishing me (she was a real woman and who she said she was, I did my homework/internet stalking) but during the time I talked to her I felt excitement. When she flirted with me, I really liked it and wanted to flirt back. I felt guilty about it though because I was "straight" and shouldn't be leading her on. Of course, it turned out she was leading me so I guess I should have flirted away! lol

Very, very recently I decided to try getting to know women who are attracted to other women. I find myself scrutinizing pics - Do I find her attractive? Can I see myself having sex with her? Am I just trying to convince myself of something/anything? (Guys, I am so distracted by all this I just tried to use the spoon in my coffee as a straw! And the cup is empty anyway!)

I do find women attractive. I would MUCH rather look at naked pics of girls than guys. Honestly, a man's junk tends to make me want to giggle and I find it more comical than exciting. I'm not sure I want to be physically intimate with a woman though. I'm not sure if this is because of a mental block of some type (I mean, I'm 41 now so this would be a HUGE revelation and shift in my mindset and life) or because I'm honestly asexual. I've kind of considered myself demisexual for a long time, but I don't seem to connect emotionally with men either.

Should I give myself a chance to try to connect with women? I've never had female friends really. Women intimidate me, especially attractive ones. I feel "safe" with talking to guys because I kind of don't care if they like me or not and it's always been that way. I -do- care if women like me. I -want- women to like me. I want to have close relationship with women, even just platonic relationships. I would rather be surrounded by women who have my back and are trusted friends than have a solid relationship with a man.

I know nobody can tell me what my orientation is, but I hope that someone out there has been down this road or shared these feelings and can relate and share their experiences. I know my experiences will be my own but I hope to find a place where I can move forward to wherever I am going with friends along with me and supporting me no matter where I end up.

Thanks for listening!

 

I absolutely agree with you that I have intimacy issues, both with men and women. I am not a "hugger" or a "cuddler," even with my own family. My natural mother's side of the family is physical reserved (no hugs, kisses, etc.), but my father's and stepmother's sides are very boisterous/huggy/kissy/friendly. However, I grew up with very little contact with my father's side of the family because of my natural mother keeping us from them. I also keep myself emotionally closed off, especially from women.

That's a good question and I'm not really sure of the answer. It'd be hard to speculate since I've never experienced anything to give me a basis for guestimating. It may be that I'm just asexual and will never have a successful physically intimate relationship with anyone. I don't mind being alone, I actually prefer it a lot of the time, but the thought of saying "I'm asexual" makes me feel pretty lonely and unhappy.

 

I'm obviously not expressing myself very well here in text.

I have emotional/mental intimacy issues with both sexes. I have physical intimacy issues with men. I have never tried being physical with a woman so I'm not sure if I would have issues or not. Those things being said, I do not trust men, in general, at all, but I do think some women can be trusted.

My father has been a -wonderful- person in my life and so has my stepmother. My natural mother is the only parent I had issues with growing up and that was the verbal/emotional/physical abuse. All my male partners I have had excluding my current husband have also been verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.

So, in my mind, I've now had a stable non-abusive relationship with a man for 10 years and it has not changed the way I feel about men physically (including him; i.e., I don't find them sexually attractive) nor has it changed how I think about men who are strangers to me (untrustworthy, etc.). If a man doesn't like me, I don't care at all and actually prefer it that way. Men flirting with me leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.

However, I have never had a relationship with a woman in this capacity (as a partner), so I don't know if having a positive experience in that way would affect anything. I do know that when I feel like I am platonically growing close to another woman that I feel a sense of attraction to her. I do want to find a reason to touch her, hug her, etc. I have a desire to show her that I appreciate her friendship and companionship. I care very much if she likes me as much as I like her. I enjoy playful verbal flirting.

I went to therapy for most of my teen years into my early 20s. I would like to go back again to deal with other issues that have nothing to do with this stuff, but I can't afford it right now and I don't qualify for free or low-cost programs. I -am- working very closely with my personal physician on all things in my life that impacting my entire well-being including my mental, emotional, and physical health.

 

I got past the stuff with my mother while in therapy during my teens and early 20s. I wasn't so much recreating the trauma as seeking acceptance. For me personally, it was about finding one person who would validate me, and I thought that person had to be tough and strong because I didn't want weakness in my life. In my youth I confused strength with control and that's how I ended up making poor choices. I've also learned it's ok to be weak sometimes.

That was over 20 years ago (the therapy), and I'm totally cool with the person I am and also being alone. I know I don't need anyone's acceptance to be happy, although it's always nice to be loved.

My current husband knows exactly how I feel. I have asked him if he would like to get a divorce so he could find someone else, but he declined and is fine with the platonic relationship we have. I also told him I would be ok with him dating and/or I would also attend marriage counseling if he wanted, both of which he declined also. I would never lead him on because we are good friends. I would never purposely hurt him and so I'm honest with him.

I appreciate the insight. It's always good to hear how people outside a situation are seeing it. It also makes me stop and think if it's something I hadn't considered previously. Thanks!

 

Alone as compared to being in a group of people, socializing, etc. I also don't "need" a relationship which isn't a preference but is something I've learned to be all right with.