Confused

Sorry in advance for the super long post.

So I'm a 22 year old woman and I think I'm a lesbian but I have few issues with feeling valid labeling myself as lesbian as I have enjoyed sexual encounters with men in the past (no sexual attraction to them though-- at least from my understanding of what sexual attraction is). So there is the possibility that I may actually be bisexual with a preference for women. However, as you will see in my long post that I haven't really experienced sexual attraction until recently, so there is the possibility that I may be on the asexuality spectrum (potentially gray-ace?). Anyways any opinions as to what my sexual and romantic orientations are would be greatly appreciated.

All throughout my life I have had "crushes" on boys. In many ways they were filler crushes, as in I felt like I had to have a crush on someone so I just chose someone who I thought was kinda cute to be my crush. For these boys, it was generally that I liked their hair or eye colour (strange I know) but it was never something specific to the male gender (never liked abs or chest hair or beards etc). When I was really young I had several guy friends and I would "crush" on them but no sexual attraction was involved and I got over them easily.

Then once I turned 12 I had this very close friend (who was a girl). It was not unusual for me to have close female friends as I was fiercely loyal and protective of all of them (whereas this was much less intense towards my male friends). However, the experience with this girl was unique. We would always talk about sex and we figured out a lot of that stuff out together (by just talking at this point). One day I went over to her house for a sleep over. We were having a really good time and we were sitting in the barn and I started to think "wouldn't it be great if I could be with her and it wouldn't be looked down upon". I quickly repressed that thought. Later we were changing and we were showing off our breasts to each other. We were oddly comfortable being naked around each other. After, we went to bed where we had been planning for weeks to experiment. We did some physical things but no kissing. I really enjoyed her pleasuring me but I freaked out when it came down to me pleasuring her. I thought "this is GAY!" and I told her that I was uncomfortable with the situation so we stopped. She was going to a new school so I never saw her again after that, but I felt a lot of shame over what happened and suppressed it really hard.

My life then continued with me "liking" boys until around 14 where I had a crush a girl. There was actually legit sexual attraction involved as well as her personality being extremely attractive to me. When I first realized I was staring I was really harsh on myself and invalidated the whole thing. I kept telling myself that all girls are bi-curious at some point and then they get over it (aka they are actually straight). After that I went back to liking boys and being obsessed with Twilight. It was around this time that I started to notice that I liked staring at my female teachers and class mates, usually at their butts and breasts. But I also suppressed that.

I liked the same filler boy from grade 7 to grade 10 until he got into a relationship. I was a little bit upset but I didn't even know him so I got over it. Around the same time there was this new girl at my high school that identified as bisexual. She really liked me but I kept telling her I was straight. I did not feel a strong sexual attraction towards her (however I did enjoy looking at her breasts every once and a while). We did become really close friends, but the whole friendship was very abusive and toxic. Her being my friend made me more comfortable with asking myself what I was attracted to. I started to really realize that I stared at girls a lot (especially in the change rooms) and felt really terrible about myself again. To make myself feel better I told myself I was straight.

I got pretty boy crazy that summer and met this one guy that I had a "crush" on. I liked his hair colour but that was the only thing I found attractive. I was really insecure and really wanted any guy to like me at this point. I asked him out on a date and was so awkward (we didn't even talk). He obviously didn't like me after that and I was upset that things went bad with me getting my first boyfriend (I REALLY wanted one). After that I spent some time questioning my sexuality. I mostly looked at forums such as this one and asked google "Am I bisexual?". After reflecting on my life a bit and convincing myself that some stereotypes meant I had to be attracted to women (was a tomboy as a kid, liked sports more than other girls, fiercely protective of girls, also the sexual things that happened with that one girl). I thought I was bisexual. I made the mistake of telling my bisexual friend who liked me and she started to pursue me harder. I was so desperate for a relationship at this point and I wanted to explore myself sexually. I also felt guilt for not liking her back as I knew that caused a lot of issues with her depression. She ended up being my first kiss and somehow got myself into a relationship with her (again I did not find her very attractive-- boobs were the only nice thing). I enjoyed being sexual with her for a bit but both the abusive aspects of our relationship and the fact I was not really attracted to her led me to breaking up with her. I also felt very overwhelmed about my attraction to women and was very distant from my family because of it. It was such a relief to not be with a woman anymore that I clung very hard to the idea of being straight and felt so much shame about having dated a girl.

A few months later I got my first "boyfriend" (I was 17). I use quotations as I don't think we were on the same page about this. I thought we were but he didn't tell anyone that we were. So in reality it was more of fling. It lasted less than two months (he broke up with me because he cheated on me) and I did enjoy the sexual aspect. However, it was about the physical pleasure and not about me being physically attracted to him. I felt a lot of romantic attachment and even planned out the rest of our lives together so I was heartbroken when he broke up with me. Looking back now this whole situation is really stupid and I have no idea why I even liked him (other than again I was insecure and very lonely).

Soon after I went to university. I spent a lot of time in my first semester going to bars and getting extremely drunk. I also spent a lot of time kissing random boys at the bar that I didn't even think were hair or eye colour attractive. I also started to crush on one of the boys at me dorm (to this day I have no idea why!). I got physical with him a few times but then I learned he was huge jerk. I was kinda heartbroken about the whole situation and my revenge was to go to the bar and make out with more boys I wasn't attracted to (yay for self confidence!).

A few weeks after this other guy at my dorm liked me. I did not like him and I was not attracted to him. He was a nice guy and good friend, that was it. When he asked me out, you would think I would have said no but I ended up saying "sure" because I was obviously very excited to date him. The entire time I dated him I said some of the worst things to myself like "your physical pleasure isn't important-- his is". So when it came down to us eventually having sex I was in the mind set that not liking it that much was normal for women and consequently never thought that this might mean that I was gay (at least at first!!). The first few weeks that we were physical I enjoyed it because I enjoyed the physical pleasure aspect. But it got harder and harder for me to want it. This was partially because I was dealing with pretty terrible anxiety and also because I did not find my boyfriend physically attractive. At this point I did have some feelings for him (unsure if they qualify as romantic because I mostly thought of him as my friend. I did get jealous when other girls hit on him and such though). We eventually stopped having sex completely, because I kept not wanting it.

During that time we watching the series finale of the legend of korra. Spoiler alert, two female characters end up getting together at the end. I was so happy and shipped them so hard once I saw it. The episode also forced me to confront all of my repressed feelings about women over the years. I spent a lot of time on youtube watching lesbian youtubers and a ton of coming out stories. I had a hard time relating to a lot of the coming out stories because I was convinced that I had strong and real feelings for guys. I did acknowledge my lack of physical attraction for men at that time.

I went on to watch orange is the new black, in which I had my first ever crush on a tv show character/celebrity (obviously this was alex vause/laura prepon). It wasn't long after that me and my boyfriend of two and half years broke up (mutually) because of the lack of sex and because I thought I might be gay.

However, the break up never stuck and I kept wanting to get back together with him because I kept thinking that I was actually bisexual. My big thing was that I was attracted to female attributes and my boyfriend was very feminine-- so I thought that I could still be attracted enough to him even though he did not have a female body. I did feel a pull to make out with him a few times and be with him. We also ended up having sex twice (this was after he slept with a mutual friend--- I was so upset). Again I enjoyed the physical pleasure aspect and at this very emotional time I did feel some sexual attraction but it was to more feminine characteristics he has (his face is very feminine). I felt terrible about the whole thing and thought it was very reactionary to him sleeping with another girl. I really didn't want to let go of a relationship that was never going to work because of my lack of sexual attraction.

Now I'm single and I do not talk to my ex anymore. I have felt quite confident that I'm gay regardless of my rare attraction to men. My attraction to men has never been very strong and I have always been either attracted to either gender neutral or feminine characteristics. I think that my relationships would be so much better with a woman because now that I've thoroughly explored the gay side of the internet and watched a lot of shows involving wlw (OITNB and the 100) I have recognized and accepted an undeniable sexual attraction towards women. I only really got to experience the full extent of it once I was more open and comfortable with the idea at age 20. I currently only fantasize and think of woman sexually.

This post is really long and I could probably go on forever. Thanks for reading and any opinions would be appreciated. I'm also open to clarify anything.

 

Sorry if I was unclear but I have only actually gone all the way with one guy and have only been very sexual with 3. The only guy I went all the way with was my boyfriend of two and half years and as I mentioned above there were a lot of issues with me feeling any attraction to him besides attraction to feminine facial characteristics in rare occasions. Most of the guys mentioned, especially the ones at the bar were only drunk kissing incidences.

I would think that my negative experiences with men are partially to blame if it wasn't for the fact that I've had a much worse experience with my ex girl friend.

Also in regards to this completely changing for me. I'm not sure. I can't exactly figure out what happened. Either I've always been more attracted to women and I just didn't notice it/suppressed it or my orientation has changed. I do not have any desire now to have sex with men.

 

My coming out status is kind of weird. I came out to a few friends in high school as bisexual because my girlfriend forced me too. I am sort of in contact still with one of those girls but I later told her that I was straight so I think that's how she sees me.

I came out to my most recent ex boyfriend as bisexual 2 years into our relationship. I didn't feel bisexual... I felt gay but I didn't want to break up with him yet.

I've told one of my other friends who I'm not super close with that I had been questioning my sexuality and that's why I broke up with my boyfriend. She asked me a few months later when we were drunk if I thought I was gay. My heart started to race and I felt that being gay was genuine to me at the time but I couldn't feel confident enough to say that I was. I told her I was unsure about my attraction to women. She said she cared for me regardless but we aren't that close so I don't feel like I can confide in her too much.

My out status to my family is also very complicated. When I was 16 and seeing my girlfriend there was some serious suspicion from my family. My brother knew right away and caught her almost about to kiss me. I denied everything to him and made up excuses for what he saw. My mom heard what my brother had to say about her being on top of me and she acknowledged it but I don't know if she thought we were dating. A few weeks after that my dad was picking me up from her house and we kissed before I left her house. Much to my horror apparently my dad saw and he asked me when I got in the car if I had kissed her. I denied and said something along the lines of "ew gross".

Last summer I was really happy about marriage equality being legal in the US so I decided to have my own little "pride" party. I mostly just read up on a bunch of LGBT history and blasted queer lady music. I blasted music about girls who like girls and my dad came in a few minutes later and he said "you've been putting up a lot of gay stuff. Are you trying to tell us something?" I froze and my jaw dropped. I eventually forced out the words "I don't know" and he left. I heard my mom yelling at my dad saying "why the hell would you ask her that?". I ran into the bathroom and cried and tried not to have a panic attack. Overall, I think my parents have some reasons to be suspicious but I've never come out and told them.

My other close friend has no idea (at least I don't think!). I'm wanting to tell her soon though. I think having more confidence about how I identify will make the coming out process easier for me but I might end up telling her that I'm questioning.

 

Thanks for reminding me to not stress out about the whole thing. It's something I keep having to remind myself.

Also, I thought more about what you said about my bad experiences with men. I do think you have a point that it has affected the way I perceive men but I don't think it has affected my sexual attraction to them.

I think the following experience I had a few months ago will clarify my attraction to men.

Last semester I had a "crush" on my TA for my zoology class. He was in his mid thirties, had dark hair and blue eyes which I find myself drawn too. So I found him "hair and eye colour attractive". I also really liked that he was so passionate about science and knew so much about animals. I was very self conscious around him because he really wanted to get to know his students and I was really scared that he would like me. Nothing besides the hair/eyes thing and aspects of his personality were attractive to me (he had a beard too---ew!). I kept feeling super nervous around him and kept asking myself if I liked him. I would always try and look good for that lab, for some reason I wanted to impress him yet I was so nervous that he would like me. I don't think I was sexually drawn to him as I asked myself if I wanted to kiss him and my gut reaction was "ew no gross". So maybe I'm just emotionally drawn to men and really nervous about them making sexual advances due to my bad experiences with men (which are way more numerous than what I talked about in the original post--- lots of street harassment and unwanted approaches, and sexual harassment at work).

 

I completely agree with you that part of the reason I'm so confused is because I have no one to talk to right now. I guess that's kinda why I posted here. I've been wanting to go see therapist about this to get support as I think that will be really important when I do come out to my parents. I plan on telling them sometime after I graduate university so that I'm more financially independent if they need time and space.

I'm mostly confused as to whether or not what I feel about guys would be considered sexual attraction. And if so, does that make me technically bisexual. However, I strongly feel that even if what I experience is technically sexual attraction it is not enough for me to be happy with a man long term... So wouldn't that still make me a lesbian? I realize part of the issue with labeling myself is that everyone interprets these labels differently. However, the good thing about the lesbian label is that it communicates that I only desire to be sexual and to date women.

I'm also confused as to why I pursued men for so long and why I really didn't catch on until I was 20.

I just want to be more confident in my understanding of my sexuality so that I can tell my close friend and be more open about who I am. I'm also tired of being so cruel to myself concerning my attraction to girls and I want to also move past the shame I feel.

 

It's good to know I'm not alone in figuring this all out "late" thing. And I also think that what you said about not being able to handle it all at younger age is very true, especially in my case. I don't think I handled my questioning at 16 very well at all.

And yes, to my surprise I can say that I'm gay out loud. A few weeks ago I could not do this for sure. However, I do still find myself feeling a lot of shame, but less and less as time goes on. I'm kind of curious if I could tell another person face to face that I'm gay. I doubt it.

 

Hey thanks everyone for replying. Just being able to talk about it has been able to give me a lot more confidence. That and the fact that I have people that agree with me that I can still be a lesbian regardless of my past experience with men. I'm planning on making a new thread in the coming out section to discuss things like me coming out to my new room mate and my friend that has watched me date my ex for two and a half years.

 

This is the link to the new post:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/220836-coming-out-my-roomate-friends.html

There have been some changes to my situation since I posted this thread. My roommate moved out but I still talk to her quite frequently and similar questions/topics come up.