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8 years of unrequited love for a man = gay?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Icewater, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. Icewater

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello everyone. First post here, really lovely forum, hopefully I'm in the right subforum.
    I have a few questions I guess. Sorry if I ramble. I'm going to try not to, but probably will anyway.

    I'm 26, male. I have been in love with a guy for 8 years now. We had sex once. To me, it was the most intense thing after candy flipping to a sunset and a Henryk Gorecki symphony.
    Now, I have been with women, even had (and currently am in one) long-term relationships with women, whilst being in love with the guy. It comes in waves, sometimes I almost manage to push it far back enough that I don't remember it for weeks. Sometimes the pain of this unrequited love (I have confrimed that it is the case with him, I mean, I sort of doubt that he is really straight, but whatever) caused me to slash wrists. I wouldn't recommend it. Anyway, only very recently I have come to terms that I am probably gay: Hello, in love with another male? Sounds pretty gay to me. The women - well I know it sounds really dumb, but I just never thought about it. You had to be with someone that's it. And with a woman. I have considered myself asexual for a while, sex with women not being really that great to me. The thought that I could be gay didn't even enter my head. I am from Eastern Europe, though I live in a much more liberal place now and went to art school. So, currently liberal as hell, in terms of my environment, but I come from a place where you're supposed to be with a girl. So when I was unhappy with girls, I just assumed something was wrong with me.
    Lately though I found a very good friend in a lesbian girl, with whom we drink way too much and talk about all this. It helps. Never had it before, but talking made me realise that I am very very much likely gay. But here is my question. Or something. I have never loved or been attracted to another guy. I just loved, deeply, the one. So how can be gay, since the definition is being attracted to MEN, but I only ever was attracted to a MAN. What do you guys think?
    And also, honestly gay men kinda scare me. I often see gay men look at me, sometimes even openly hit on me. Why is it so... Not chill? I am truly sorry if I said something bad here. But the impression I am getting based on just my personal experiences is... I dunno. Like I'm not really sure I want to be part of "this". But then, maybe I've just only seen bad. But both gay men that I am pals with (I'm not out though), the impression I get from them is that it's all mostly about the sex. I can't really relate to that. I would absolutely want to have sex with the guy I love again. It was amazing and I spent very many very sad nights dreaming about it happening again. But like, that's not the ultimate goal, ultimately I just want to be with him, just like a straight couple. But like, gay.

    Anyway, I really hope I didn't offend anyone. If I did I promise this is out of ignorance and not any ill thought. But yeah, these two things I wrote about. Do they make me not really gay?
    And you might ask well why do you want to categorise yourself anyway? Well it's simple, intellectually I'm actually against categories, 1s and 0s. I don't see the world in black and white. But also there is some comfort in belonging, and I could use some comfort right now.
     
  2. Jax12

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So since you've only had strong feelings for this particular guy, you don't think it's enough to identify as gay, even though you've spoke about loving another man and being with another man? I've never thought about falling in love with a man, but two years later here I am with an amazing guy.

    You don't have to look at every guy you see for you to determine whether you're gay or not. It's very possible that you aren't that type of person. You could see someone, get to know them, and be attracted to them because of who they are, though. My boyfriend does not check out guys like I do, but that's just who he is and this is who I am. We're all different.

    To contrast, I identify as gay because I have a strong emotional and physical attraction to guys. Women on the other hand, I've never had a a similar connection to, hence the reason why I do not identify as bisexual. Identifying as gay just means that you develop feelings for an invidual that happens to be the same gender as you.
     
    #2 Jax12, Aug 25, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2016