Hi. I apologize in advance for how long this is. I am 14, and for most of my life I thought I was straight. However, last year I developed a major crush on a girl. At first, I tried to tell myself my feelings were platonic and I just really wanted to be her friend. However, eventually I realized I had only felt this way about guys before. I thought maybe I was bisexual. I thought people knew that sort of thing for their whole life, though. I was extremely confused. A month or so later, I once again thought I was straight, and thought the crush was nothing. I went back and forth every month or so telling myself I was straight or bisexual. It's extremely confusing and frustrating. I now believe I am bisexual. It seems like I should be convinced, since the crush is stronger than ever, and I check out girls as often as guys. I also fantasize about both, and enjoy it. I am just so afraid that in a little while, I will once again think I'm straight. I know that no one can tell you your sexuality but yourself, but I just want to know what other people think. Also, if anyone else has gone through this, I just want to know you exist. I don't want to be alone anymore.
Hi herondale, I would question whether you *thought* you were straight, or whether you simply found no reason to think about it at all, and just assumed you were, because so many people are. I mean, pre-puberty, most of us have no real reason to think about or question our sexuality (though some do). Be aware that most bisexuals experience fluctuation in our desires. Just like if you enjoy meat *and* vegetables, sometimes you feel more like meat, and sometime you feel more like vegetables...if you're attracted to both men and women, then sometimes one will sound better (sometimes *much* better) than the other...and sometimes the attraction to one will feel so weak that it seems you aren't attracted to that sex at all. You'll only get a sense of whether this is the case over time. Be patient with yourself...you're young, and that's ok. My question for you here, really though, is why be afraid? Nothing about your sexuality will *ever* be set in stone (unless you're really into sculpting, and you really want to set it in stone...but even that won't actually fix your sexuality). What's the worst that could happen? Let's say you have a gf (presumably because you developed a crush on girl, and wanted to pursue a relationship, and your interest lasted long enough for that happen), and today, you aren't interested in sex with women. So don't have sex with her today. If you enjoyed sex with her last week, then you know you are capable of enjoying sex with her...so don't stress about it. Just wait until that interest comes back. Within a few years, you'll likely even develop an understanding of how long it takes you between these cycles. But my guess is that the reason you find this back and forth frustrating is that you care a bit more than you need to about whether you are straight or bisexual. Why should it matter? As I tend to tell people who agonize over these things...date people you find attractive...if experimenting with sex sounds good, and the person is into it, experiment, and figure out what you like. After a while you'll start noticing trends (huh, it's always guys, or huh, it's mostly guys, but sometimes chicks). There is no reason to commit to anything, no impetus to "come out" as anything...just date who you like, and develop relationships that feel good. My only serious advice would be to hold off on serious commitments (like marriage) until you have a better idea of the kinds of relationships that can sustain you for the long term...and then, be up-front about it with any serious partners ("hey Joe, I really love you and could see being with you forever...but thing is, I also really dig chicks, and might have strong needs to be with one once in a while")...and arbitrate an understanding that works for both/all of you. I hope I haven't flooded you with too many thoughts here. Take care, and enjoy life!
I think your right about how I just assumed I was straight. I didn't know attraction to different genders could change. That helps a lot. Thank you so much.
