Sexual orientation confusion, any advice greatly appreciated.

Hello everyone, I'm a 16 year old female and for about 3 years now I've been really confused about my sexuality. I would really appreciate it if people could help me who have been through this already and are now happy. I really want the truth, as like most people I am tired of running in circles!

I'm unsure of whether I am bisexual or a lesbian. When I was younger, I remember having crushes on boys where I would get butterflies. There was this one boy who I followed around the playground when I was about 8-9 and even fantasised about him saying he loved me. I remember being drawn to two other film characters, and feeling shy/having butterflies when they were on the telly. I also remember being really shy around my friend's older brothers when I was very young in nursery, and very embarrassed to do anything silly. As I grew older, due to these experiences, I assumed I was heterosexual, of course. I also had crushes on other boys, one that got very intense, but I never acted on it because I couldn't really have him. I got butterflies whenever I saw him, heart beated fast, and I obsessively thought about him non stop. I couldn't have him so I had to get over him. Though there were things to make me doubt if it was real. I also remember peeking at naked women when I was younger, and I accidentally came across lesbian porn and I really liked it.

During the time I was trying to get over him, I began to question if I was bisexual when I got turned on by my friend. When I was having these crushes on boys (do they count towards my sexuality?) I also had crushes and got turned on by girls, without knowing what it meant. I thought the crushes were me really wanting to be friends with them and admiring them, but looking back I realise I was wrong. I feel like they may have been deeper, as I was friends with this one girl I liked but I liked all of the boys from afar if that helps? As I hit puberty, I got even more turned on by girls and I didn't realise what it meant, I thought it was a fluke and my mind was absorbed in boys so I didn't assume anything. I wasn't getting turned on by girls in the way I got turned on by boys. For this boy crush, I fantasized about kissing him and being in a relationship with him and even sex with him. From a young age, my ideas of a crush fit into what my friends experienced.

However, some things make me doubt my crushes. I wonder if I got these crushes due to compulsory heteronormativity, and my big crush in secondary school was due to an anger and revenge I felt towards one of his family members who liked me but I didn't like him back and it made me feel guilty? That sounds strange without a whole other story, but what I'm trying to say is somehow I think the crush was rooted in something else other than attraction, or fuelled by attraction AND something else!! I remember telling my friend 'he's really good looking' and she agreed, and I felt really shy, but I'm not sure! Maybe it was rooted in what I said earlier!

I used to think I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a girl, but over time I have realised I would feel really comfortable in one. Most of my friends are girls and I think I form the deepest emotional connections with them! However, I have always really wanted a boyfriend, and fantasised about it a lot. However, whenever a guy gets too close I get freaked out and I always feel the urge to run away and I feel uncomfortable. I have a therapist, and she says I am bisexual and this is due to me not knowing boys well enough and not having many male friends. Once I familiarise myself with boys this feeling does go away a little, but I worry I am in denial anyway. Even when typing this, I am worried I am writing in a biased way to make you think I like boys more than I do.

At first, when I was 13, I didn't get turned on by boys that much, not like I did with girls. But my therapist asked me to remove the anxiety I felt and now I get quite turned on by boys, and turned on by girls. But I worry that deep down in my instincts I am more oriented towards girls, and somehow I force an arousal to boys? I always notice boys and girls on the street, however I feel maybe I've been exaggerating looking at boys recently. Though I do find it natural to look at males in the street, and I find their shoulders and legs attractive. I am confident I like women, but I have doubts with my attraction to men a lot. I have had thoughts where if I feel this anxious/uncomfortable feeling towards boys forever, then what's the point? I don't want to lie to myself and live a life that would make me and others unhappy which is why I'm obsessing over this now.

My therapist has said she thinks I am bisexual, but I have exaggerated my feelings towards boys as a result of my insecurity which is true. She also says when I feel like I am gay, I am feeling my attraction towards girls but I am thinking about it too black and white. I have tried to put them together, but I am struggling and I always keep thinking I'm gay in denial after a little thing triggering it! I have a lot of anxiety and other issues which is why I'm seeing her. However, I keep doubting my therapist and I worry I've done this my whole life without realising. I like the idea of sex with a boy, but maybe that is because that's what I've been taught and I'm attracted to the idea of romance/sex in general? I've always watched tonnes of romantic films and read lots of young adult romance books and felt jealous of them, but maybe I'm angry at them because I know I can't be like them because I'm gay? I feel like I have gotten a lot of ideas about what relationships feel like from movies and put them into my own mind with my crushes/boys. I'm sure I'll enjoy sex with a woman, and I think I'd enjoy sex with a man and enjoy fantasies with them/get turned on, but I thought maybe I've trained myself to enjoy them due to insecurity about liking girls? I feel like I've done this sometimes, and I'm not as attracted to men as I thought.

I'll also hear a voice in my head say 'gay' and 'lesbian' when I'm thinking of other things and it's become my obsession. I feel like at the end of the road I'll end up gay somehow. I started thinking I was gay when I was thinking "Why hasn't anything with boys ever worked out? Why do I always get so obsessive and insecure? Oh my god, I'm gay." This was after I hadn't thought about it in a long time and thought I was bisexual leaning towards boys. I've tried my best to accept being gay, and normalise same sex relationships to get rid of any internalised homophobia I have. But I still feel afraid. I feel comfortable with being gay to a degree, because I know it's not a bad thing and I've tried my best to become comfortable with it. But I'm still wary and it's the uncertainty that makes it the worst. :icon_redf

I feel like my attraction to women has become stronger, and maybe I am bi leaning towards women. However I'm wondering if there's anyone that can help me discover if my attraction to boys is all in my head and real or not? I don't want to rule out dating boys yet, but sometimes I feel like my gut says I'm gay. But then it sometimes says I like boys but still says I'm gay! I'm scared of marrying a man and finding out I'm a lesbian and I'll hurt myself and him.

My feelings fluctuate a lot: sometimes I feel a relationship with a boy isn't right for me, sometimes I feel I would love it and it would feel the same as girls. Sometimes I feel like I am in denial, and other times I feel like I'm being truthful. The thought of being in denial and not knowing it terrifies me. This has made me extremely anxious and depressed, and I'm not sure what advice to take because I've read so much information and looked at so many coming out videos/stories that I'm not sure what to believe!

I'm sorry this is extremely long, I just really would like some help and everyone on here seems to know what they are talking about. I can't sleep because of this and it's on my mind 24/7! I would love advice from any lesbians or bisexuals, or any one who feels they can help me! I would appreciate any advice. I would be happy to answer any questions!

Thank you so much. <3

 

Thank you for telling me! I'll try to fix it!

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2016 at 01:51 PM ----------

I think I'll make a new thread!

 

Hi Shepamelia, thank you so much for replying, I appreciate it so much! I've been doubting myself a lot because, I think you're right, about the 'bi leads to gay' stereotype. I have always suffered from anxiety, and even when I discovered I could be bi I freaked out because it was so new. I have been obsessively going on the internet, and I have read so many different things which have caused me doubt and confusion. I think one of the things that has caused me the most doubt was when I was looking at many videos explaining 'How to know if you are gay', and in a few of them they said 'if you are constantly looking at these videos, you probably are gay.' I assumed what they said was true, so I thought if it's true then the crushes must have been false! I thought the butterflies could be due to a romantic attraction only (this is from another person's experience I read), or I was very young so it wasn't attraction? I've seen some people who identify as gay who had crushes on the opposite sex but don't count them anymore?

That's what my therapist said, as she told me you can't fake those reactions. I thought maybe the heteronormativity was so strong that it caused me those reactions?

What also made me think I was lying to myself was that I get so uncomfortable and anxious/suffocated when I could begin a relationship with a boy, and I think maybe I will never get past that. But I want to, I think. I'm just not sure what it all means!

Sometimes I say I'm gay and it does feel right and it feels like a relief, which also leads me to think I'm in denial? I don't know what the relief means. But then I get another feeling after that which is how I feel towards boys and I feel conflicted again.

I think this is mostly anxiety related, and I do over analyze everything in my life. Feeling like I'm bisexual with both women and men in my future feels a lot better to be honest. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! What was your experience like?

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2016 at 03:48 PM ----------

I'm still not sure. I'm not sure if it is just anxiety or if I really am a lesbian. I can't handle not knowing anymore!

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2016 at 03:50 PM ----------

Part of me thought for a while that I only admired boys, and it was an aesthetic attraction without realising. Could anyone answer what sexual attraction feels like?

 

Thank you so much Shepamelia, just knowing I'm not alone makes me feel so much better! I definitely did the right thing by posting on here! I don't feel as scared now either, I feel a lot better! Hopefully that time will come soon!! Thank you again, and I will keep you updated!! <3

 

Hi guys, I am still open to any suggestions as I'm still feeling doubtful. Today, I was at the park, and I was looking over at these two boys I thought I found attractive. I realised the reason why I think I might be gay is because of that scared/suffocated feeling I get when a boy gets too close. I tried imagining what going up to them and talking to them would feel like, bearing in mind what my therapist told me about getting to know males better to see if it relieves the anxiety. At first I thought it made me feel better, but then I kept thinking and I think the anxious feeling might never go away and I know many lesbian women have felt this. Do you think this is an indicator? I didn't actually talk to them but it was a really strong feeling, I have a very powerful imagination!

I wouldn't mind being gay, it's just adapting to the change and realising my whole life I have been wrong! I'm still waiting for the future to see if I feel better knowing a boy I find attractive well, which I've never known before.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 11:27 AM ----------

I just really don't know what that feeling means!

 

That feels really nice, and I get turned on. I feel really happy about it and comfortable!

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:12 PM ----------

When I imagine getting close to a boy, there is a slight heaviness in the area just above my tummy but it feels nice and warm.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:14 PM ----------

If I think of sex with a boy it feels nice, but I have doubt because part of me feels pressured somehow. Maybe that means I've forced myself to enjoy it?

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:16 PM ----------

I had to think about it a bit more with the boy.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:16 PM ----------

I'm feeling really scared!!

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:21 PM ----------

When imagining about the boy, it's similar to the feeling I got at the park. But I've had other times when it has felt really nice and that feeling hasn't been there. But I'm not sure - I feel very vulnerable right now, I'm feeling like I am gay at the moment because when I imagined the girl it came a lot quicker.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:24 PM ----------

But then completely letting go of boys really scares me, and the thought of never experiencing a boyfriend upsets me a little.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:29 PM ----------

When I imagine being close to a boy I feel protected, the same with a girl too. Like I'm comforted? The thought of being gay at the moment really scares me, I'm scared I'm making up excuses!!

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 12:32 PM ----------

Silverhalo, how did you feel about boys growing up and how do you feel about them now? Thank you so much for replying!

 

When I relaxed and thought about being with a boy, it felt a lot better but I'm not sure if this is denial. Sorry I'm very confused, and I feel like I'm so close to knowing. I really don't want to lie to myself, and at the same time I'm truly terrified and I don't know why! I would really appreciate an honest answer from anyone.

 

Hey!! Thank you so much for replying arcenciel, I'm also so glad I'm not the only one!! Same, I feel some attraction to both genders but it's hard to decipher what is ingrained due to society and what is naturally you! It's so anxiety provoking! Exactly, I think the worst thing is getting too stressed. Thank you so much, I really hope so, you definitely will too!! <3 At the end of the day love is love for all genders, and we can't control who we love. The uncertainty is the worst, but we will get through it! I agree, labels are really confining. I think I feel better when I don't label myself, and just allow feelings to be. You did help me! Thank you so much!

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 01:34 PM ----------

Hi silverhalo, thank you so much, it is so confusing when you don't know what's going on, like the world is spinning. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

I see, I can definitely understand wanting the closeness and affection of a relationship, I feel that all the time, I'm just not sure who I would be most happy having that with. I agree when you say there is a level of attraction to both sexes, and I have considered I'm bi but leaning more towards girls?

When I say I'm bisexual, I feel okay and comfortable but there might be something more than that. It depends on how I'm feeling, as sometimes I feel very confident that I am bisexual and other times I feel like I am kidding myself.

I feel like if I am definitely a lesbian, it is something I will need time to adjust to and it will be a big change, not a bad one but just different! However if I am bisexual it will be something I need to understand better after time also, like how my attractions work. I also feel I need some experience which is why I don't want to label myself yet!

Saying I'm bisexual feels like a relief, but sometimes saying I'm a lesbian feels like a relief too depending on how I feel? I've never been homophobic either, and my family are quite accepting as I have spoken to them about this a lot! however it isn't something that's often spoken about a lot but they're supportive! Though I do feel I have some internalised homophobia which is making me more scared than I have to be I think, and I struggle with that a lot. I think I may have some internalised biphobia too.

I think you might be right that my mind has built some doubt around boys, because I think there is a genuine attraction there, but I may be attracted to girls in a stronger way. When I see attractive boys I feel a pull to them and get romantic thoughts like I want to be close to them, and when I see attractive girls it can be sexual and romantic. It's just not knowing whether it's in my mind or whether my doubt is real!

Thank you so much for replying to me, it has really helped me a lot and has made me feel like I'm not alone.

---------- Post added 30th Aug 2016 at 01:37 PM ----------

I am diagnosed with Asperger's, which may explain why I'm finding it hard to decipher my feelings. My therapist said there are probably a lot of factors making me confused.

 

I've heard that too!! I definitely can relate to that which may explain why I feel confident some days and really confused the next! I've even heard of some people whose sexualities are so fluid, they have broken up with their current partners because it fluctuated so much and then regretted it!

I think maybe a fear of how I will deal with it, because it feels like such a big thing and it takes over everything in that moment. I've felt like that to, it feels like the end of the universe, when in reality it's not and there's so much more to us than our sexualities haha! Sometimes I feel okay though, most times! What would internalised homophobia feel like instead?

 

I have felt ashamed of my gay thoughts before, and sometimes I still do. I'm not sure why, I haven't been raised in a homophobic environment especially, however in my family I don't know of any gay people though there probably are. I'm learning to accept my thoughts and I know in my heart they aren't wrong. Though I am comfortable enough to be honest about them to others though I guess!

I will definitely do that, because it feels like that sometimes. Thank you so so much for your help!

 

I understand that, because they may have expected grandchildren. But if you're gay you can still have children, just through a different way? My parents have told me many times they would love me no matter what and just want me to be happy, so I really have no reason to feel ashamed! Even some of my friends are confused like me and talk openly about it.

I think I have been ashamed of my thoughts because I felt so much conflict, and for so long I assumed I was straight and I didn't know how common being LGBTQ+ was. I have also been scared because when I do eventually have a girlfriend, if it's at school I worry people will care or view me differently.