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Hi! I think I'm bisexual, but I have my doubts?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by nikanoo5, Sep 2, 2016.

  1. nikanoo5

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    Hello everyone, it's nikanoo5 again. I have had a lot of ups and downs with my sexuality recently: at some stages feeling certain I'm gay, and then feeling certain I am bisexual. In this moment, I feel quite sure in myself I am bisexual. This makes me feel really happy, because I'm acknowledging an attraction to both sexes.

    I think I began to repress my attraction to boys a little to try and see if the label lesbian fitted me, which at some points I thought it would. I think I also did this because I was sure many of my crushes were due to heteronormativity, but I feel in my heart they were real. When I ignored my attraction to boys, I assumed it wasn't real and I wasn't actually attracted to them like I thought I was. However as I lived like this, it was okay but I felt a little sad. I thought this was me grieving my heterosexual life (in a way I was because I used to think with certainty i'd end up with a boy and only have boyfriends). I let the way I've always felt about boys just be and now I feel like I'm attracted to both sexes again. It keeps going around like this, and I keep having to adjust!!

    I know that a lot of my thinking of boys has been due to heteronormativity, and it did play a role. I exaggerated my feelings for them and made it into something it wasn't to compensate for my attraction to girls bubbling beneath the surface! I'm fairly sure they were real feelings but I intensified them out of insecurity (that's what my therapist said!)It has made this experience harder as I've had to decompress my feelings for girls and made me put way too much pressure on myself for dating boys. I now feel a lot of the pressure is taken off and I can love who I love! My fantasies revolve around boys and girls, and both make me feel good (though they fluctuate a lot, and I get into very girly moods and very boy moods.) when I'm in a boy mood I will feel the need to revert back to my old heteronormative thinking and repress my attraction to girls which is sad and I'm not doing anymore!

    My only doubt is how much I've thought I'm a lesbian. I was looking at many gay/lesbian coming out videos, and three of them said if you're looking for this video, you probably are gay but I do genuinely feel attracted to boys? I may be gay, as I may decide women are better suited for me, however if I feel I'm bisexual does that mean the people in the videos were wrong? I just wanted your opinions on what that means, because I tend to take things very literally! It makes me feel like I've got it wrong. I am open to being gay but I feel at least bisexual feels freeing and right. Today I've been turned on by both boys and girls which made me feel like I'm bi!

    There were times where I really thought I was a lesbian and I tried to accept it, but now I feel like I'm more towards the middle of the spectrum where it fluctuates? I am very open to being gay, and I probably fall towards the gay end of bi! Does the amount I've questioned being a lesbian and how much I've felt it mean I'm definitely a lesbian? I have anxiety issues and it's common for me to obsess over things, but I'm not sure if I should literally believe what they said in the videos! Does it mean I may be in denial?

    Thank you so much for any replies!!:icon_bigg:icon_bigg
     
    #1 nikanoo5, Sep 2, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2016
  2. bjanna

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    I've been in your exact position. I identified as bi for a long time, then lesbian for 6 months, and now bi.
    First off, I think what's most important is to just accept your natural attraction without overanalyzing it. You said you like both boys and girls, so accept your feeling as legitimate because they are. It's what you've naturally been attracted to.
    Don't try to force yourself to identify as lesbian/gay. I tried that, and I identified as lesbian for almost 6 months and thought my feelings for boys would go away, but they didn't and so I just felt strange and doubtful when I tried to push those feelings away. You can kind of feel a tight feeling in your chest when you know you're forcing yourself to be something you're not, and that's what I felt a lot of the time. I would just avoid guys because I felt the need to identify as lesbian and be more gay to fit in the community, but that wasn't right. The community loves and accepts everyone no matter how "gay" they are. I was forcing myself to be someone I wasn't, and that did nothing but hurt me. I recently, just a few days ago have been accepting the fact that I do like guys too. And I'm so much more comfortable when I'm not trying to force myself into a certain attraction. I'm not forcing myself to like guys or girls, I'm just letting my feelings take the wheel because that's the most natural. If you like someone, you like someone, and you have to accept that your feelings are legitimate because they are. Don't doubt your natural attraction and blame it on heteronormativity, because I did, and it didn't really help me. Not to say that heteronormativity can't influence attraction, but it's not to the extent that we try to give it credit for sometimes.
    I know how you feel with the anxiety and taking things so literally. When you feel like you're overanalyzing something, try to just stay calm and tell yourself that it's your anxiety speaking and not you, and that your feelings are legitimate. In reference to those youtube videos, I know how you feel, but don't take their words to heart so much. Anyone of any sexuality could be curious about coming out videos. I've done it, and I'm very comfortable with my identity.
    Also, sexuality is fluid, so being bi doesn't mean it's black or white. You can like guys more at one point and then like girls more at another. It doesn't make you any less bi.
    Never repress your feelings toward guys or girls, because those feelings are what you should be listening to most, not other people or outside pressures. Your feelings are most important.
     
  3. nikanoo5

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    It's amazing to hear your story and how similar we are, thank you so much for replying! It gives you a lot of anxiety to try and push yourself into a label that doesn't fit, for everyone of all sexualities. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way, and it's so confusing when you have so many pressures and anxiety in your mind which can make analysing your true feelings much harder.

    I'm the same - when I tried to push the feelings away, I felt like something was missing, and in a way it felt right but I was so anxious, like I had tunnel vision for girls and my attraction for boys went a little unnoticed to the side. I think it feels the most right to say I'm attracted to both sexes, even if they fluctuate.

    It can be confusing because discovering my feelings for girls is very new - in my mind it was always slightly swept under the rug, and now I realise I can't do that. Discovering my feelings for girls has come on very strong, but I realise my attraction to males is still there. i didn't have very much exposure to LGBT couples when I was younger, so it hasn't been fully normalised for me until recently. I didn't grow up in a homophobic environment but the idea of a gay couple was quite 'other' but I'm so glad now I feel it's incredibly normal! Now I've normalised my attraction to girls, I feel a lot better in my attraction to boys!

    I agree, it's your feelings that count the most! I did take what they said to heart, and I think the coming out videos are amazing, but I think everyone has a different story.

    I think I've still got a journey ahead, but I feel like I understand things a little better now.

    Thank you so much again for your reply, everyone on here has been amazing and so understanding!