Hi guys, I would really appreciate any advice you have to give. I'm aware my story is like many others, but it helps to write it down and to hear other's opinions because I have limited people to talk to right now: I see my therapist in a week, but I can't contact her very well and my parents are understanding of me but I'm a little scared to tell them even though they know I'm questioning. They are heterosexual so I feel like they can't fully understand? I haven't spoken to my therapist in over a month so she doesn't know about some of the changes my sexuality has been through along with my intense emotions along with it recently. She thinks I'm bisexual from what I've told her, but I haven't told her my more recent feelings which is why I'm posting here. I keep going back and forth from being bisexual to a lesbian, and the back and forth is making my head spin and is what hurts the most. I'm admittedly overwhelmed at the idea of being fully gay, because it's different from what I've known my whole life. I don't see it as a bad thing but a very enlightening thing, and I'm grateful I'm questioning so I am getting closer to the truth. However, it still scares me because of the stigma and for other reasons I can't explain or pin down. Like no matter how hard I try to normalise it the fear keeps coming back! A couple of days ago, I felt secure in being bisexual, because I feel attracted to both sexes. But I have doubts that my attraction to boys is real or strong enough. Like, I can see an attractive boy and look at his nice shoulders and other parts and sometimes I'll feel turned on, and I feel quite drawn to him. In the past I have had crushes on boys that weren't forced too, and I was consumed by them. But they were all obsessive in nature, and I wanted their attention a lot. Do childhood crushes mean anything? They felt nice and intense at the time which is why for so long I thought I was straight (I had crushes on girls but didn't know what they were). The thing is... Whenever I say 'I'm a lesbian' it feels right? It makes me feel relieved and free, and that really scares me to say! I have felt this even though I've felt very attracted to boys. It's as if I can't let it go. I'm very scared to type this, because I'm so unsure and scared but I don't want to lie to myself which is even more scary. It gets to the point where I'm certain I'm gay and I try to start accepting it and it feels great. But then I'll see a cute boy and I'll wonder again. Does that mean I'm definitely gay? When I say I'm bisexual, it can also feel like a relief but there is something not right underneath - I think it's a label I could adopt but it doesn't feel like an end point, and I have a lot of doubt with it. I can't say 'I'm bisexual' and stop questioning, it's only when I say 'I'm gay' it feels like an end point! I'm in the summer holidays now, but earlier this school year (when I wasn't questioning) there was this older boy that kept staring at me and I became infatuated with him. I got nervous around him and I knew I found him attractive. My legs became weak around him at one point, but again I didn't know him. I imagined myself in a relationship with him because he genuinely showed me attention compared to someone else who didn't. When he got a girlfriend I cried. But then when I felt he could get too close I was scared too and felt the same anxious feeling! I didn't think I was gay back then, I had no inkling, I knew I liked girls but I thought I liked boys too but now I feel like my attraction is more shallow, like it's stuck in the school girl crush stage! It just makes me so confused, because my heart tells me I'm gay but my mind tells me I'm bisexual? My therapist says I get scared when a boy gets too close because I don't have many guy friends and I don't know men that well. I always feel nervous/uncomfortable around them. I like boys as people but I don't have many guy friends for some reason. I still feel like I would like to date boys and girls to be sure, but I don't want to hurt anyone. My main question is: does the fact that when I say 'I'm a lesbian" feels right, does it mean I'm for sure gay? I'm quite sensitive and vulnerable right now but I would love honest answers please. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I just hate the uncertainty. I just feel so battling, like all of my past feelings and present ones are conflicted and I just want to be happy and authentic. - Nikanoo5 ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2016 at 12:55 PM ---------- I do tend to become jealous when my close friends hang out with other people, and I think I may have developed a crush on a close female friend without realising it. She also likes girls, and when I thought we could happen it felt really deep and I felt very comfortable and whole and excited. I felt it could really work and there wasn't as much doubt. I feel excited at the prospect of dating some boys but it feels different. Maybe I just like the idea? However I don't know because I've never liked boys I know personally before. ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2016 at 01:06 PM ---------- Also, the arousal to girls is very immediate and is different from my arousal for boys. I have been turned on by girls from a young age, and I've only been turned on by boys within the last year because my therapist said anxiety was blocking it. I still feel like maybe I have forced it, but I feel my arousal to girls can be stronger at times.
What would it be like to live without a label... What would it be like to just stay in the moment and feel you feelings and attractions...without boxing them... If we ever met, and i asked you what gives ...and you said that you were confused or unsure...say you just said "I don't know"...I would would find that charmingly honest.. Your stress is coming from a need to be completely defined, labelled, and identified. But as Shakespeare said: a rose by any other name would smell as sweet... So be that rose, or orchid, or daisy...you will still be you. Clearer definition will come in time... In the mean time just feel your here-and-now feelings and atrractions. Just be...trust me, it is the art of happiness.
Thank you so much for your kind words Ben, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply! I think everyone has the nagging need to label themselves, but it's true if I don't label myself I feel a lot more relaxed I find it hard to let things be, but I think once I let go it will all feel a lot better. Thank you again
