hi im a 21 year old bisexual woman who is in a relationship with a non binary individual while living in a homophobic household im already out to both of my parents but my mother disapproves of any homosexuality and has been violently homophobic in the past i feel anxious despite absolutely loving my partner but i feel as if i cant be close to them no matter how hard i try i want to love them hold them and make them feel like they are the most beautiful thing ive ever seen because quite frankly, they make my heart swell and sing for joy... except for the anxious feeling in the pit of my gut i cant help the disgust and repulsion i feel and it makes me so sad despite having been emotionally intimate and physically intimate (over camera since theyre far away) i have broken up with them many times before and even though i still feel these intense feelings of attraction i cant help but feel sad because i keep thinking well maybe im just straight and i lied to them. that thought kills me. theyre the kind of person i want to end up with in the long run even though we have met only in may seven therapists have told me that it is my environment that makes me feel this way and that i should move out but i cant help but think that despite my mothers hate for gay people i should be able to exist peacefully in my home can someone help me?
When someone has a deep hatred for a group of people for merely their existence, that hatred stems from something deeper than just that group of people. It could be insecurities, self-hatred, hurt - who knows. But something isn't quite right. Especially because you are in her target group, I would not recommend staying in that environment. Complete hatred, regardless of the aim, is a terrible thing. I lived with my sister over the summer and came out to her in July. She doesn't hate gay people, but she's borderline homophobic. It wasn't pleasant. I'll never live with her again. By the end of the summer, we managed to live "peacefully", as you hope to do, so it is possible. But it was terrible. One wrong word and I knew I could set her off. I constantly had to hold my tongue around her, and I had to learn to leave the room, or even the apartment. Peaceful does not mean happy, healthy, or emotionally safe. It sounds like you are experiencing negative effects from living with your mother. It might hurt and it might be difficult, but I'd recommend that you get out of there ASAP. Good luck!
Howdy, thank you for replying. Yeah, my therapists and all my friends (as well as my current partner) are trying to help me leave home. I don't have the funds for it, but I'm working on getting there.
nonetheless i feel anxious about not loving my partner, as if something had been stolen from me. i keep thinking maybe im straight in circles and circles and circles. but it hurts every time i do it.
