Hi Everyone, I am a 19 year old girl who has been straight my whole entire life. I was always the one with the boyfriend ever since grade school. In my senior year of high school was the first time I felt anything for another girl and it was for one of my really good friends who happened to like me back. Nothing happened, but it was flirty and fun. I had a boyfriend at the time and thought nothing of the little butterflies I had with my friend. Fast forward and now I'm in college. I am currently in deep with serious feelings for one of my friends. I am scared because no one has ever effected me like this before, like I think I'm in love. It's so crazy and hard to comprehend. I have tried to have sexual relations with "random" girls before just to try and I truly didn't enjoy it (I do with guys). But yet I am completely in love with my friend (a girl). This summer we both got really drunk and hooked up (I can barely remember it) but I know that she is attracted to me too and I know she is definitely questioning if not BI or gay. I thought I could hide my feelings but the other night we all went out and I got really drunk and she texted me saying she was with a guy, I got so mad and sad and upset I literally couldn't go out all I wanted to do was go home. All of my friends were confused and asked what was wrong, I literally switched moods instantly. No one has ever had that effect on me. I am just seriously so lost, I don't know what to do, how to handle it, or what my sexual orientation is now. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Hi! So, I'm sure what you really want/need right now is advice from someone with more experience, but I figured I'd share some of my story with you because it's similar in some ways. Firstly, I completely sympathize about that feeling of confusion/being lost! It is so incredibly disorienting, and not at all fun to deal with. Secondly, just try to remember to love on yourself during this period of uncertainty. Everything WILL be okay. So, I felt prompted to respond to your post because I am also a 19 year old girl who thought she was straight her whole life and is now questioning that!! All through middle school/high school I only got crushes on boys, and these were quite intense. Due to social anxiety and other factors, I never had a real boyfriend (went on a couple of dates though.) But this summer I realized that I had fallen, rather hard, for a close female friend. I actually didn't even realize I was developing feelings for her for a couple of months-it was only one night after we had hung out that I became incredibly upset and angsty that I was able to admit to myself 'hey, I think I might have romantic feelings for her'. So it seems like the swinging moods in both our cases were a helpful indicator that something more than platonic might be going on. I definitely think the fact that you became super upset when she texted you telling her she was with a guy means something. For me what made this more confusing was that I didn't seem to have a super strong sexual attraction (a faint amount, but not much), and that I already had such a strong platonic bond with her. Unfortunately since I don't have any experience with physical stuff I can't really offer you advice on why you didn't enjoy sexually experimenting with random girls before, but I do know that it is definitely possible that you, personally, need to have a romantic/deeper connection with a girl before becoming physically intimate with her. Quick question: in high school you say that you felt something for a really good female friend, and that she liked you back. Did you ever talk about that with her or?? It definitely sounds like you have quite strong romantic feelings for your friend. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I'm just gonna say that personally it got to be mental torture to not tell my friend how I feel. (Just to clarify she is bi, did not return my feelings, and though that was disappointing I am so glad I told her, we were able to talk it out.) It was just such a relief to get those feelings out in the open. Do you have any idea how receptive your friend would be do discussing the fact that you might be questioning as a general idea? And if you end up feeling like it's something that you want to do, would you feel comfortable confessing your feelings to her? I know it's hard. Whatever you decide is right for you is wonderful. Just one quick piece of advice: whatever you do, don't try to repress, ignore, or deny your feelings. You don't need to feel compelled to act upon them, but pretending they don't exist will probably just make you unhappy. As far as what this means for your sexual orientation...well, how do you react to the idea of thinking that you might be bi (potentially with a preference for men)? Of course, that could very well not the case, you could simply be mostly straight but fall for a girl once in a while. I think I'd better let someone more experienced help you. All I know is that you don't have to label yourself now, or ever. You have the capacity to love people, and that is a wonderful thing!! I wish you all the best of luck! Feel free to message me if it would help to talk to someone who's going through a somewhat similar situation.
I agree with Whimsey. It sounds like you may need to have an emotional intimacy in order to have sexual intimacy and enjoy it. You are at a good age to follow your heart. Maybe you could explore that if you feel comfortable doing so.
I can not thank you Whimsy more for taking the time draft up that well thought out messege of such great advice and Imgay47, thank you so much for offering your take on it. So, I wrote this post this morning when I didn't have much time to tell more of the story. Also to answer your questions, the girl in high school I know liked me back (was told by her drunk and her friends). However, nothing happened because we one didn't talk about it face to face and two, because I didn't have it in me. Heres the thing, I knew she was into me and I still didn't make a move. I'm not sure if its cause I really am not attracted sexually to her or if I am scared that I'm going to like it. For this girl in college, I am freaking out I think the most because NO ONE has ever made me so weak. It's the only way to explain it and I don't get how none of my boyfriends gave me this feeling. Heres the small piece of info I totally forgot to leave out I hope you get a kick of out this! My friend and I had sexual relations this summer. I stayed at her house with her and her family. It was her 21st birthday and she wanted to get really drunk. It did feel, however, that she was trying to get me to drink (because everytime we drink we are SUPER flirty). Anyways, I drank and shot after shot we went. I remember at the end of the night she was rubbing my leg when we were sitting outside at the campfire. I knew exactly what was going on. She asked if I wanted to go to bed i said yes and we starting kissing. Its really blurry from there but I do remember a couple things. One she said she only watches lesbian porn if she ever watches it. The second is her telling me she ate out her best friend senior year oh high school. The third, I remember stimulating her and her telling me that she could tell I don't masturbate (embarrassing) (I do masturbate). I think I was so drunk I couldn't focus to finger her the right way. I was finishing my period so she couldn't really do much. Another is I remember her telling me she had a moment with another girl at a wedding she went to (this upset me a lot) (I was insanely jealous) Anyways, It was pretty freaking crazy to say the least. I went to be and woke up naked in bed and she and I just looked at each other mortified. Then she began to tell me she was up snap chatting the guy named "Riz" till 4 AM. It seemed like she was trying to prove to me she was straight and rubbed this guy in my face, it was weird. The whole next day was really just so awkward and to be honest it hasn't been the same since. A couple days later I texted her saying I didn't feel awkward about what happened but I do feel awkward if we never address it.. She fired back defensively saying she doesn't want to talk about it, please forget it, I feel uncomfortable. It was weird, and I was just like ok. Fast forward and this year were both super distant compared to how much time we used to have together. WHOOF, you guys still with me? Theres more. We didn't talk at all after it happened until school started back and she tried to pretend it didn't happen. But to be honest, looking at her now is literally painful. It hurts. I just don't get it, she's kinda a bitch and not the best friend to me, yet I'm so infatuated and in love it feels. I would never be attracted to the guy version of her, she's not a good person, she's not usually my type. The fact that she's a girl is stirring everything up. I, for the first time, feel heart ache. I do things thinking of her. My mood is dependent on her. Anyways here I am and were currently not speaking. Last night we went out I was drunk and insisted to her that "we need to talk" and all of this stuff and she brought it up to me and I acted surprised and confused and I said i have nothing to say. She then was like what is bothering you why did you say I was a bad friend" and she then asked me to talk I said sure and she never answered. Part of the reason she's a bad friend is because I don't think she prioritizes me the way she says she does etc. and she never answered wanting to talk and I see her snapchat and she's out right now with guys doing who knows what. I texted her asking for space and that I would txt her next weekend. My friends don't get why I hangout with her and I just want to scream Im in love but I can't. I realized now my fear isn't being Bi its her not having the same feelings back, ( i really don't know if she does). Things to note: She hates talking about me and my guy situation She never gets with guys (no clue why, she fears diseases) she owns a vibrator not dildo (she showed me lol) I know she's either BI or LES because she got so defensive when I tried to bring it up. Thanks again, you don't know how nice it is to finally talk to someone. I don't know if I could ever tell her, theres been so many times but I can't get the strength to do it. (However if I'm drinking who knows). Let me know what you think about all of that, I know its a lot, appriciate what you have done for me <3
Hi 8791, This is an excellent example of your sexuality staring you in the face, and really trying to tell you something. You need only to listen to it. I see in so many posts what seems to be an unimportant part of a sentence sort of thrown away, but to me is illuminating. Here you describe the weakness - a phrase so often used to describe sexual arousal. The second is "I don't get how..." Yes, I think maybe you do get how. And it's the reason you're here and describe yourself as curious. You're coming to terms with your sexuality and desire. If no man has ever made you feel this way, perhaps you should consider that you're not straight. The fact that you were the girl in school who always had the boyfriend was perhaps just you playing the role you thought was expected of you. Regarding your morning-after awkward moment and its aftermath, if your friend is dealing with her own struggles with sexuality, as are you, it's a recipe for confusing feelings and lack of honest communication. the only real way to move forward in a relationship is for you to declare your desire for her and see if she reciprocates. That puts you in a vulnerable position, but it will end the stalemate in your mind - does she, doesn't she, will she, won't she? It's a vicious circle. It took me 37 years to wake up and smell the gay coffee. I don't know if you're gay, or bi, or straight. Be brave and find out for sure. If this woman is not the one, seek another. I just don't want you to waste more of your precious life.
You're very welcome, 8791. Like I said, not sure how much help I can be but I'm happy to try. I definitely second what Imgay47 said about you feeling so 'weak' about this girl. If you're feeling anything like I do, your moods and emotions are so tied to this girl you have feelings for, and you feel buffeted about without any control. I'm assuming by 'weak' you mean that you have so little control over your emotions?? For me it was a matter of getting ridiculously happy when she texted me, and getting quite angsty if she took longer to reply, getting extremely sad at the thought of leaving her when I go to college, and such things. All these things are related to strong feelings being in play. They are real and important. I also second IMgay47's advice about declaring your feelings to your friend. The vicious cycle in your mind can be pure torture, and you would be able to get some relief and move forward. Regarding the girl you had feelings for in high school: you said, "Heres the thing, I knew she was into me and I still didn't make a move. I'm not sure if its cause I really am not attracted sexually to her or if I am scared that I'm going to like it." Regardless of why you weren't able to do anything about that situation, the fact that you didn't do anything doesn't mean your feelings weren't real. We are only frail human beings, and romantic feelings are difficult things to deal with. It would be completely understandable if you were scared that you would enjoy being with a woman. Unfortunately society is still not completely accepting of LGBTQ+ people, and that can trigger a lot of fear. Just know that liking women is completely wonderful and okay! Thank you for sharing the story of your 'hookup' with your friend this summer. That's very brave of you. From what you say your friend was definitely interested in pursuing some sexual exploration with you. (And perhaps felt she needed liquid courage to carry that out/make it acceptable.) Of course there's no way I can know for sure, but your friend definitely sounds like she is sexually attracted to women. You say that she wasn't able to pleasure you much because you were on your period, but do you remember if you enjoyed what you were able to do, physically, together? I think it's very interesting that your friend chose that point in time to confess her earlier moments with her best friend and the girl from the wedding, but mere hours later wanted you to know that she was snapchatting a guy. It seems like perhaps she wanted to tell you she's interested in women, but then became scared? There's no way I can know for sure though. You say that now your main fear is that your friend doesn't reciprocate your feelings. I'm sorry, that's not a fun place to be in. However I'm glad that you are starting to accept that you have feelings for another woman. I have a couple things you might want to consider: -Do you consider this girl to be trustworthy? -You say that she is a 'bad friend' and that you would never fall for the 'guy version of her'. I just think it might be important to ponder that a bit. The heart wants what the heart wants, but you need to protect and take care of yourself. This could be completely off base, but your friend sounds quite insecure and scared about her sexuality. Would you perhaps feel comfortable with having a conversation about how you simply want to spend more time with her and your hurt feelings about her actions? And then if that goes well transitioning into declaring your feelings? (However, it crosses my mind that given both you and your friend's reluctance to discuss these things, it might be easier and quicker to simply confess your feelings at the start, only if you feel comfortable of course.) All right, to wrap things up I guess I would just like to say that, if you feel comfortable, it sounds like a face-to-face situation would help you and your friend. You clearly have very strong romantic feelings for this girl. In addition there is already some friction in your relationship with her that might be helped by talking it out. And one last question: you said that there have been times when you have come close to telling her how you feel, but have held back. Do you know why (asides from general nerves)?
Wow you both have saved me more than you even know I can't thank you enough for everything you have said. Last night me and her FINALLY talked. It took a while but there has been a lot of built up aggression since we've been back at school. She has been avoiding me and intentionally excluding me from plans with friends she usually would have invited me for. When I went out and was drunk I would say things to her like I need to talk to her or say she is a bad friend etc. I would be upset too if I were here, it was like 4 nights in a row this happened. Also, I haven't even been okay to drink because every time I do I freak out and want to spill everything and tell her how I feel. So to stop muself I end up going home alone before we even get to the party. On the past two nights I have come home and been really upset and my roommate who is also my best friend has caught on. I ended up spilling the whole story to her and she has been so good helping me out and now being someone I can talk to. So I'm happy I did that. Anyways last night, we talked. I planned on going and saying look ever since new hampshire you have been different. I let her go first and she literally said exactly what I planned to say to her, plus the fact that she thought I had seriously strong feelings for her and she was (weirded out) and (freaked out). I was silent as I couldn't believe she was saying this and that it was exactly what I was going to say. I asked her why she freaked out when I said I wanted to talk about it. She said that she thought me wanting to talk about it meant I thought it was something more than just a drunk hookup. I told her I thought it would be weird if we never said anything at all pretending it didn't happen. She disagreed. She was very defensive and the whole time it felt like she was trying to get me to tell her I wanted it to be something more. It was like she was trying to pry it out of me saying things like, "maybe you are hiding something" and stuff like that. At one point it was silent and I am moving to NYC and planned to tell her and I wanted to tell her cause she knew something was up so I was like honestly I need to say something and she was like okay and it was silent for a second and then I looked at her and her eyes were teary a little but it was dark and I said Im moving to new york I felt her heaviness imagining this was roles reversed how upset I would be. She just stared at me long and hard and said when, where, why etc. We talked a lot about that and kinda got off topic, but I could feel a weirdness in the air, theres just no way she didn't either. I went into her apartment because someone living in the building came outside saying she could hear us (lol). When I got into her room I walked to the side of the bed I always go on and grabbed a pillow, it felt sad, I was sad. I just laid down and she said is there anything else to say before we put this to rest. She then said that she thinks its "funny now" "something we can laugh about" and that she told the whole story to her ex boyfriend (how she thought I was in love with her) and that he was dying laughing and said that it was the best. This hurt me but I knew that she was lying so It didn't cut deep. Still, it was very weird. She then told me the other night she had sex with this random boy who she used to never even text back last year who was into her. He asked all the time to hangout and she never wanted to. Sh hasnt had sex with anyone besides her EX and fears diseases and just isn't one to of this and yet she had sex with him (SO UNLIKE HER) possibly to prove a point or prove she's straight?? Thats what my best friend thinks. Anyways, there was a point where we just laid on the bed just looked at each other. Dead in the eye. It was at least 20 seconds of silence and like everything in my body slowly dying. It was the looks she used to give me, it was her, for the first time since before NH. I finally couldn't do it anymore and I said what, and she said what, and I said I should probably go. I left, and today we haven't talked much. I think I made some progress, but still avoided telling her my feelings. It stills BUGS the hell out of me and I don't know what I'm going to do next. I have no clue if she's just extremely in the closest or if she really has no interest in me. My roommate thinks that she pegged everything she was feeling and accused me of feeling them. She thinks that she is completely uncomfortable with her sexuality and that I now represent a physical reminder of her secret and thats why she's avoiding me etc. I don't know what to do, by the way this is so long and I really apologize for that! At least its kind of a juicy and exciting story! ImGay47, you're right, I absolutely am weighing my options and am open to any sexuality. I truly realized I don't fear being into girls, I fear she doesn't have the same feelings back for me. It would, I think for the first time, break my heart. Whimsey, your right. I do need to protect myself, my roommate says it best, I deserve better than her girl or boy. I know why I can't tell her how I feel about anything but I know I don't; end up telling her because I am scared she won't have the same feelings. I think she told me she had sex with this guy to see how I would react but again I just don't know. LIFE IS SO CRAZY. It really helps typing this all out and having amazing humans like you to help me through this. <3 <3 would love to know what you think!
Hey 8791, I know it's been a while, but I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing with that whole situation? I'm sorry that talking with your friend didn't give you much of a resolution. It sounds like she's pretty uncomfortable with everything that happened. Did you ever tell her about your feelings?
Whimsy99! Thanks for checking in. Things are, well the same. We are getting more and more comfortable with it, joke around a lot, and are back to our flirty ways. However, my heart is still heavy, and looking at her still hurts. I know the only thing I can do is tell her how I feel, so I guess I'm going to. I just don't know how/when. My life is great besides this, so I'm trying to not get down, but its nights like these where I feel so heavy and so upset. Thanks for checking in, I am, much better, but have a long way to go.
Hey Whimsy! Long time no talk. I haven't been on here in forever, was wondering how you were with everything!
