Hello. So I'm 22 yo, female. I've never been in a relationship, nor had any sexual encounter with anyone. I guess this doesn't sound too bad or strange. Also it's not like I care about the social conditioning that people have to be in a relationship to be "normal", otherwise there is something wrong with them. But here where things get complicated for me. Sorry if this might get a bit long. Hope it's not confusing either. My question is, why do I feel so bad being in a relationship with someone? I feel this more with guys. With girls I feel better, but sometimes I wonder if it's just safe for me to think like that. On the other hand, I feel that if the word was predominantly gay, maybe I would feel like that for girls. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like this discomfort to me is because of the pressure to be "normal" and be in a relationship from the society, when I still don't want to. But what if I won't in the future too? Or what if it's because I'm trying to be in denial. As a person I'm a bit closed and I don't trust people easily, although I am friendly. I don't like going to the beach because I would feel uncomfortable if someone checks me out. And this is not about me being uncomfortable with my body. Surely I don't think I have the perfect one, but I think I'm fine. It's the fact that these sexual stares (not that everyone would look of course, but even if it's just one person) make me feel so vulnerable and exposed. And sex makes me feel a bit grossed because of this dynamic that is going on. Like exposing yourself too much to someone. Again, I feel this more with guys. But the strange part is that I'm more sexually attracted to guys than girls. up until I was 18 I thought I was straight. I had 1-2 crushes on girls and 1 in a guy, but I was really not sexually attracted to girls. And I can say this with certainty. I would look at gay porn because there was no vagina involved, and I couldn't even look at it. On the other hand, I find the male one attractive, as well as the rest of a guy's body. I was like that until I was 19. And then I fell in love for the first time in my life. Like really in love. With a girl. Long story short, nothing happened between us and some very nasty things were done. But this doesn't matter. The point is, after that I started finind the female body more attractive. I still don't consider the female genitals very attractive, but I don't feel like not even loooking at them. I've been reading how some queer women will check girls out, but I can't identify with this. I check guys more, but not sure if this is because I'm more allowed to do this. I'm not asexual, but maybe a bit demisexual. I did get some small crushes to guys too, and I felt like I could be in a relationship with them if they liked me too and were nice. But at the same time I don't think I could fall for a guy as deep as I could for a girl. Like the dynamic is quite different for me. But I just keep switching from thinking I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with a guy, to when I think of actually being with a girl makes me feel the same but for girls. I was never abused or anything close to it. My parents didn't have a good relationship though and ended up breaking up. So maybe this has influenced me too. Cause I never felt like they were supporting each other. Summing up, I feel this sexual urge with guys but I can't remember feeling an 'urge' with girls. I do feel visually stimulated by women, but generally not a sexual urge. On the other hand, a relationship feels more right and fulfilling with girls. But even if I'm attracted to guys, I just feel uncomfortable when I think of doing it with them. There is a strange dynamic between male and female in my mind. I don't feel like that with gay guys and guys in general who are friends and familly, but guys with girls specifically. Someone could say I'm more sexually attracted to opposite gender, but more emotionally attracted to the same. But I can't help but wonder if this is true, or it is my mind tricking me into something to avoid being with someone. Or if it could change. Thank for reading and I hope it was not so confusing :eusa_doh:
