I'm so confused, how do you know if you are aromantic or asexual? I'm a 20 y/o girl and i've never had a crush, i've never been in a relationship and i've never had sex. I am not sex repulsed or anything and i do masturbate. I notice when someone is hot / sexy but it's more in a "i like to look at you" way rather than a "i would like to bang you" way. I'm just generally confused, I've tried to imagine myself with a guy before but i didn't really like it and I've imagined myself with girls which i like more but in a "cuddles and hugs" way... but like, i don't think i would be opposed to try for sex but at the same time I'm intimidated by it. I'm scared to be aromantic cause i feel like if i am i would be missing out on so much and i like cuddles and hugs, i would like a relationship cause i don't want to be alone What if i just haven't met the "right one" yet? idk I'm so lost How did everyone else realise?
It's possible you're asexual (there's no credible evidence for a separation between sexual and romantic attractions.) However it's also quite likely that for whatever reason you just aren't able to connect at this point to sexual arousal. That could be for one of many reasons. If you are experiencing depression or anxiety, those are the first things that will get in the way of feeling attraction. If you grew up in an environment where you coudln't freely express emotions and don't fully connect to other emotions, then that will also get in the way of feeling sexual attraction. So there are options here... you can simply say "This is where I am right now" and not worry about it at all, or you can explore in more detail what's going on with the lack of attraction. If it were me, I'd spend some time exploring what's going on with a therapist, and see what comes of that. Once you have a better understanding of yourself and what factors could be at play, you can then determine if this is a hardwired situation that's unlikely to change, or if it is secondary to something else going on. I can imagine how difficult it must be to not know, and I can tell you that when you do explore it with a therapist, no matter what the outcome, it's a lot easier to get closure and understand yourself.
Are you completely unattracted to people or are you just scared of sex? I have an aro ace friend, so I know asexuality exists. But I also think there are some misconceptions on asexuality, so I ask people a few questions to make sure first. If you're attracted to the idea of sex, even though you don't want to do it right now/are scared of it, you're probably not asexual but instead have something else holding you back. On the other hand, if there is a total lack of attraction to people, you could be asexual.
Thank you for the answers! I have had depression and anxiety for quite a few years but i thought it only killed sex drive and not attraction to other people? Or are they the same thing? Maybe I'm a special case but i still got aroused when i was severely depressed. I haven't really met a person who i've wanted to have sex with, i wouldn't really say that I'm scared of sex but i can't imagine myself with a guy, with a girl yes, but then again i haven't even met a person who i've felt something romantic for. I don't really know the difference with sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction, do people who aren't ace see a hot person hand go "i want to have sex with you" or is it just "you look hot" and that's it? I don't even know what I'm rambling about please feel free to ask questions.
There's no credible evidence supporting the idea of any separation between sexual drive, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction. From everything we know now, it's all tied together. It's also possible for people who are severely depressed to maintain some sex drive, particularly if they are in their teen years. (Many depressed teens continue to have a drive to masturbate, for example.) I think there's variation for everyone, but the short answer is that within the normal spectrum of sexual attraction (hetero or homosexual), there are people who immediately feel strong attraction and can imagine having sex with someone, people who simply feel some attraction, and people for whom sexual attraction comes after they've had a chance to get to know the person better. (Some will argue that these are actually separate designations, but there's zero evidence for that either; it's all part of the normal spectrum of human sexual expression.) It's not at all uncommon, particularly with the history of depression, to have some decreased drive and attraction, so what I'm hearing is that you're an entirely normal human being, with drives and experiences that are completely within the normal spectrum of human sexual experience. No special labels needed! If you want to explore this, you could definitely benefit from seeing a therapist and going into the underlying pieces of this. It will help you find a lot more clarity.
