I can't be gay, since I enjoyed sex with women in the past...right?

Yes, I can answer the part about being attracted to women and then later being more attracted to men. As you can see from the reaction you get from some people to the word "bisexual," people get really attached to labels, dogmas, and classifications. Hence the alphabet soup of "lgtbq et al" that makes us confused sometimes.

In my case, when I started to become sexually aware as a kid, I usually imagined guys when I masturbated. Then, in college, I became more into women and, for quite some time, pursued them. I don't mean as a case of "denial," just that I was in fact attracted to them and found the relationships were easier to form with them than with the men, who were more distant. As I got to middle age, I found myself thinking more and more about men again.

I honestly can't say whether this should be labeled "bisexual" or "gay" or whatever, but I do know that, as in your case, saying you're bisexual or asserting that you have been interested in women (when you also are clearly interested in men) seems to attract howls of derision from a certain demographic of gay men.

Obviously, I don't approve of the mixing of politics and sexuality, except for the purpose of defending the civil rights of sexual minorities.

 

I think part of it is that bisexuality in men is invalidated and invisible for the most part as well. Men are told that they are gay if they like men, even if they keep sleeping with women, even if they're just straight and curious. There is stigma when it comes to dating as well. Straight women seem to have a homophobic prejudice they can not get over, thinking they might get infected with HIV or that bi men are girly/bottoms, etc. Gay men may fear you'll leave them for a woman or show disgust toward your opposite sex attractions.

Of course, if you'd prefer to call yourself gay, that's fine too. I'm just saying my opinion on why I think most bi men identify strictly as straight or gay (depending on their preference). Most bi people do not have a 50/50 preference, and prefer either women or men more strongly. Some bi people go through fluid phases of only wanting to date a specific gender at the time. So you can certainly call yourself bi if you experience this, but I also understand the social stigma and invisibility may make the gay label more attractive.

 

It sounds like you're still bi, just with a strong preference towards men. I hate to cite it because it has flaws(but it's the best measuring tool we have unfortunately), but 1-5 on the Kinsey scale is still bi. Even if only technically, in the case of 1 and 5.

Ask yourself: Could you see yourself ever dating a woman again in the future?

 

You have just touched on something that a lot of people in the gay community unintentionally buy into. Your observation that men are told they are gay if they indicate any interest whatsoever in men. This is exactly analogous to the "one-drop rule," whereby racist states denoted a person as African-American if they had any identifiable African-American heritage, however slight.

So of course, the homophobes will relentlessly label as "gay" any male who exhibits any "sign" of being less than 100 percent heterosexual, according to the homophobes' rules of course. Women can be interested in other women, and the straight guys will call that "sexy," not homosexual.

So some guy has a fluid interest in men and women, calls himself "bisexual" and some gays land on him with the idea that if you like men, you're gay. Period. Perhaps their intentions aren't the same as the homophobes, but the result is similar. It is unaccepting.

I think my response to people who question would be to try and ask them some questions, not tell them what they should think.

 

I think in the case of bisexual women it becomes the opposite. They're viewed as heterosexual, and just "liking women for attention".

So no matter what kind of bisexual you are, It's all about men. I've heard some people call it the "magical penis fallacy", or in other words, if you like sleeping with men, that must be all you like, and attraction to women wouldn't factor much into it at all. Pretty strange if you ask me.

But yes, I totally agree with you. Bi men are practically non-existent in society's minds because of this enforcement of homosexuality on same-sex attracted men, and gay men can be just as guilty of this biphobia.