Long story short, I'm 21 years old, male, virgin (I'm generally not really looking for sex). I've always felt attracted to a chubby girl, she was my classmate, she had long black hair, thick lips, big tits, small waist, big hips, huge ass, really thick legs and calves, sexy feet, I loved to grind her, a sexual dream for me, I whack off to her since I'm 13. For years, when I watched porn, I've always searched for pornstars that reminded me of her. I just was into chubby chicks like I just described. The thing was me obsessed with being gay like a year and a half ago, before this I would always get nervous with girls, now every time I'm with a girl is like "WHY I'M NOT TURNED ON?, WHY I'M NOT NERVOUS?", and when I'm with a guy it's like "I'M I TURNED ON? I'M I NERVOUS?" I want to clarify that these thoughts come to my head in normal situations, like talking or in classroom, not doing anything sexual. I've always noticed when a guy has a handsome face, and when he's in good shape, never had a problem with that, never thought that meant I was gay. In fact, when a guy tried to flirt with me (before me being obsessed with my sexuality), I'd get a little bit uncomfortable, but just would say I wasn't attracted and no big deal (It was the truth).But lately I realized I get real nervous around guys, specially when they're handsome. At first I was so afraid of being gay I would get nervous around my really ugly guy friends, plus members of my family being homophobic ignorants, I think they are always being unnecessarily afraid of gay people (because I know what it is, fear of gay, fear of being gay, fear of someone of us being gay, related to stereotypical bad thoughts on gay people). Since my chubby friend broke every contact with me about a year ago (I texted her some honest thoughts about me wanting to have sex with her, she's an Evangelical Christian), plus the obsession (or realizing probably) of being gay. I don't get turned on by straight porn, or lesbian porn (which used to turn me on just with pictures), I'm now just into gay porn (never watched it before), and get nervous around guys, I still whack of to the chubby girl, but with really old memories. Now I think that every move with a girl, even staring at them it's an attempt of not being gay. I now feel practically nothing looking at a girl, and want to force myself to feel it, but still don't feel it. So I want to ask you guys, have some of you experimented something like this? What do you think? PD: I took Accutane for 10 months (medical drug for acne) that caused me erectile dysfunction, my obsession got really stronger when I started taking it, cause I wouldn't get hard at straight porn anymore, than started watching gay porn and get a little bit harder but not as hard as I used to get at straight porn before starting with accutane. Now, seven months after finishing with that, I only get hard at gay porn, which now (after a lot of self-hate) I think is better than not getting hard at all.
