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Am I a closetet lesbian? Help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by mangopassion, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. mangopassion

    Regular Member

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    Questioning
    I am a 17 years old girl and I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We were together a year. I started questioning my sexuality about 4 months ago and got really scared. During our relationship I was 50% anxious of the time. I doubt my attraction and love for him many times but at the same time I was really afraid of losing him. The anxiety had probably something to do with stress from school and tiredness but I think there was something else behind it, too. After the break up I found out that maybe I was too emotionally dependent on my boyfriend.
    I remember having a really strong romantic crush on him before we started dating. I admired him (and still do) and I can admit I was in love. Still I doubt why something felt wrong when I was with him, maybe it was anxiety and we were just not compatible after all. I remember enjoying his company and felt safe around him. I felt sexual attraction towards him but somehow things felt awkward. Usually I was too embarrassed to have sex with him. I remember wanting to have sex with him but having sex just didn´t feel right.
    I can´t stop doubting if the relationship just failed or if I am secretly a lesbian. Right now I consider myself as a bisexual. I have had always a strong sexual attraction towards females. I can´t say the same about males, tho. Before I started dating my ex I fantasized about girls sexually. Never thought I would date a girl, no, until now. During our relationship I started having “straight” fantasies about my boyfriend. After the breakup I became really confused because right now I am not interested in other guys in any ways. I feel curious about dating a woman and I think about it a lot. I don´t know If I would like to date females or have sex with them. My fantasies tell me otherwise. I don’t know what is going on.
    I have always had crushes on guys and I used to be “boy crazy”. But the crushes never were sexual, only romantic. I have had two crushes on my female friends. I looked up to them and wanted to please them and I cared about them more than they ever did about me. Never realized they were crushes until now. I usually fantasize about straight sex, lesbian porn somehow doesn´t interest me, only the female body parts turn me on(what??). I think women are way more sexy than men and I feel weird when my female friends talk about the hot guys in school. Somehow I can´t relate them, I never want to have sex with another person until I have feelings for them. When I see a guy in public, I think he is handsome or cute but never want to fuck him. This all is so weird and I´m slowly starting to freak out. I´ve always knew that I wasn´t 100 percent straight and there is something more. But the only guy who turns me on is my ex? (Edit: I met my ex three weeks after the breakup and noticed that I have no sexual interest in him anymore. I found out that probably I am not in love with him anymore. We hugged and kissed but I felt anxious because of the lack of attraction towards him. My ex wants FWB but unfortunately my attraction towards him has disappeared. Now I am even more freaked out about my sexuality. The only guy who turned me on and who I truly love is not the same anymore :confused:. Love is blind, I guess.)
    I question a lot of things. If I am a lesbian, why I had so many strong romantic crushes on guys before and even dated one and felt I was in love? If I start getting feelings or attraction towards a female, can obsessing about my sexual orientation cause it? If I have never had a plain sexual crush on a guy does it mean I am gay? Why do I feel awkward when I hang out with my female friends after the breakup? I feel like I can´t be friends with anyone anymore because I start thinking what if I have feelings for them and become REALLY anxious.
    Help me please! I´ve lost myself! :icon_sad:
     
  2. mousefire

    Regular Member

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    I'm not going to tell you what you are, only you can do that. You could be a lesbian or you could be bi. I'm just going to tell you my experience, so you can see that it is possible to be a lesbian and have the same experiences as you (like crushes on boys).
    I noticed my sexual attraction to women at age 13, but I felt ashamed so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I didn't think I could be gay, because I had what I thought were crushes on boys. Like you, I thought I was boy crazy. But those crushes were shallow, simply based on his looks and the fact that I got nervous around them. But the thins is, lesbians can notice when boys look good. And being nervous around someone of the opposite gender is normal as a teenager.

    I had strong feelings for girls, but I was like "I just think they're REALLY cool and want to be them! It's not a crush!" In retrospect, it totally was. And I still thought I had crushes on guys, and I even dated them, but I never wanted to have sex with them. It was something I never liked the idea of. And then I tried it, and surprise, I still didn't like it. I tried it again and again, thinking maybe this time I would like it, but I never did. I have thought I was in love with two men, but now I realized I only loved them as friends and I desperately wanted to be straight.

    I am, however, sexually attracted to women. And I really want a girlfriend. I never truly liked having boyfriends, I just liked the attention they gave me.

    This might be difficult to understand, because it's a complex and confusing subject, but there is a thing called compulsory heterosexuality. Woman are taught that they're supposed to want men, so they can trick themselves into thinking they have romantic or sexual feelings for them. It's a strong force, so strong that women end up marrying men thinking he's perfect for them only to realize that they are lesbians later in life.

    I'm sorry I probably didn't answer any of your questions. Feel free to ask me anything you want to know. My main point is that if you can relate to any of this, you could be a lesbian. And if you want to try identifying as a lesbian and see how it feels, you can do that, you don't have to be 100% sure before you start identifying as it. And you can change your mind too and identify as whatever you want. You also don't have to figure it out yet, and you could avoid labels for a while if that feels good. I know it's scary figuring yourself out but you're not alone.
     
  3. Creativemind

    Regular Member

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    You know, It's hard for me to tell from this situation. It's possible you could be bisexual, but you just haven't found the right guy to click with. Or you could be the type of person who needs a connection to have sex, and hasn't found a guy to connect enough with yet.

    On the other hand, compulsory heterosexuality is powerful and that could easily be another option. Many lesbians believe they like men since the social stigma not to is so strong.