Okay so, it's been a while scince I made a thread... and this time it is about shame (again) yay. I know it's talked about it a lot, I see a lot of threads about this topic. Still I can't help myself and post one of my own. Because scince I started to acknowledge my feels for women, I was not super ashamed of the fact that I liked women, the essence of it. When the outside world responded to this however, I started questioning my feelings towards women and men as well. Were my feelings really that way? could this all change? is this a phase? Am I faking this? This questioning and thus getting attention lead me to feel ashamed of this. Because what if it is a phase? I felt like I was questioning for attention, I did not want that and became ashamed of the fact that I still questioning. And even if I did end up knowing the answer that would be anything other than straight I would still feel ashamed. It's because of all the attetion it's been getting. It doesn't matter if it's negative or positive. As far as I know now is that I am not straight, but everytime someone (like a friend or parents) asks me about it or wants to know how it's going, there are 2 scenario's that are possible to happen. I a) Lie and say 'oh I am not gay and I am doing fine how r u', but at the end of the day feel bad for telling a lie but also relieved bc then we don't have to talk about it. b) tell the truth but not in an overdramatic way and say ''Oh i don't know man maybe i'm gay maybe not and i'm feeling like below okay'', but at the end of the day feel such shame for telling them the truth bc it's a hot topic and I don't want to burden them with my shitt. this has being going on for like 2 years now and well, I mostly use option A, because I don't want to end up crying in my bed at the end of the day when B happens. Both options are extremely toxic. What should I do? I even get all nauseous and sad at the same time when I hear someone talk about homosexuality in general, I walk away or switch chanels on the tv. That's not a really healthy response is it?
You're probably dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia right now. That's not something I can help too much with, but there are a lot of resources, even on here, about dealing with that sort of thing. If it makes you feel any better, you're not burdening anybody with you issues or drawing attention to yourself. You're just being honest whenever you answer B. I mean, you were asked after all; why would someone ask you if they didn't want to know the answer? You're not burdening them at all, they're just curious. I know that's a hard thing to feel and explain, but just keep saying it to yourself whenever you talk about it, and it should start to feel more natural. If it's the attention in general that's making you nervous, just say you'd rather not talk about it. Let it be your own thing to worry about. Nobody has to force you to realize anything or discover you sexuality. Give yourself time each day away from others to just breathe. I'm wishing you the best of luck, okay? Feel better! (*hug*)
Other than wanting to tell people so that you don't have to hide it, why do you want to tell people you are questioning your sexuality? Why do they care? How are people actually responding to you? Cause it seems like you are saying you are telling people about your sexuality and they aren't responding well to you. What kinds of things are being said to you?
You say you feel like a burden. I really get that. As a result of my upbringing and personality traits I have because of that upbringing, I never want to be a narcissist (self-obsessed/always about me). That negative feeling of doing things for yourself that may disappoint other people and "just being an attention seeker" (which by the way is not true) can still sometimes feel narcissistic to me. Maybe we're both really good people deep down because if we weren't, we wouldn't be so worried about being a burden...just maybe...
Thanks for the message I mostly think they ask me out of obligation, like I ask them how it goes and they give me all their problems and then they ask me back, bc duh. I don't want to bother them with more stuff to deal with (A friend who is not feeling well). I don't want them to think 'shit well here it goes'. It's the attention of a negative subject in general that's making me nervous, but even if I say a small sentence like ''I'd rather not talk about it'' I'm letting them know I am not okay. If a friend were to say that to me, I would feel sad the whole day bc I can't help them. Not that I should bc most of the time it isn't my place, but I still can't help to feel sad. I want them to be happy. The problem that is currently happening is that my brain is a train wreck and going around in circles. I keep it all inside. There is nobody right now I talk to about it, and even if they know bits I shut it off. It's like a paradox, I want to talk about it to get some things of my chest and get advice but at the same time I don't want to burden anyone with it. Luckily we have emptyclosets. Thanks for your lovely message (*hug*) ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 08:56 AM ---------- I don't want to lie, that's basically it. My friends spill all their problems to me and then they ask me how I am doing and I feel bad that I don't want to share it. It's like a paradox, but mostly (90%) I use option B. If my parents see me heavily distressed I can't just tell them that everything is fine bc they won't believe me. People didn't respond well in the beginning. I've never really outed myself, but when my friends said ''cmon later on you will marry a guy'', I would say ''Or a girl, you never know. life is weird.'''. It really was like a loose comment in a group. It was something that could be ignored, you didn't have to respond to it. However, when people asked (this have been like 2 or 3 persons) me about it, they sometimes reacted very angrily (''HOW DO YOU KNOW??!), very weird (vaginas are ugly have you looked at them??'') or did not take it serious. I decided to shut my mouth from then. It was really weird because they were really close friends, I've never seen them respond in such a way. I became more closed off. ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 09:02 AM ---------- This exactly. Thank god we have the same problem/thing/personality trait/idk what to call it. Upbringing, hmm. now you're saying something. I think that, for me too, that is one big reason why I think the way we think. but yea this exactly.
Well, I'm sorry your friends are acting that way. You don't have to tell people, but you also don't have to feel bad about not telling people. Especially if they are not going to be understanding of you, and question you in a ridiculous way. They are probably trying to push their discomfort onto you.
