Hi! As i'm typing this i'm not really sure if i will actually post this, though i suppose if you read this, i have decided to do so.. I don't even know where to start. Pretty much all my life i've been told by a lot of people that they thought i was gay. At first it bothered me, and i didnt understand why people thought that. Looking back it was probably the way i dressed and acted. Eventually i was like 'meh.. whatever' and moved on. Till the moment where a therapist had told me in a group session that she thought i dressed like a guy, hiding my femininity (sorry, not sure hw to spell that) and that she thought i was gay aswell. This somehow totally messed me up, and where before i just brushed it off and moved on, i at that moment had decided to start dressing more like a girl. And succesfully, i'm wearing a dress as we speak. lol. I figured people would stop calling me gay at that point, which they didnt... as i still behaved in the same way i always have. i feel like i have tried convincing myself i was straight more and more whenever people would say i'm gay. and honestly i dont know why i would even wanna do that, aside from the fact that i get really rebellious when being told things over and over. (thats probably a whole other issue lol ) So anyway, to try and keep it relatively short, recently my best friend came out, and i finally felt like it was ok for me to talk to her about my doubts regarding my own sexuality. And ever since i did i kinda feel like that for the first time its ok for me to look at women like that, i've fantasized about women before, but i never would really let myself do that, and now all of the sudden in my mind its totally ok to think of a woman like that,, I could go on for a while telling you guys all about me, my past etc etc. but really, who's gonna read a post the size of a book So thank you for taking the time to read this! Any thoughts? ---------- Post added 12th Sep 2016 at 11:30 PM ---------- Oh, i dont know if this is relevant, but i'm 31 years old, never had a relationship, and am still a virgin.
Well, the way you dress doesn't make you gay. Neither does someone saying 'I think you're gay". Only actually being gay makes you gay. So there you go. You either are or you aren't. So to clarify are you saying that you had fantasies and thoughts about women and didn't feel comfortable having them or talking about them before your friend came out?
Oh i totally agree with that, the way you dress doesnt make you anything but a dressed human being. But appearantly i do strike people as being gay, doesnt that mean anything? And yes, i have. fantasies, thoughts, dreams, got 'em all. I dont really know how to explain it though, its like something was always blocked in my mind, and it wouldnt allow me to go there. and now since ive said out loud that i have doubts it seems unblocked, and its just. i dunno, very nice. (with a lack of a better word)
First, congratulations on getting this far. You've taken a step towards trying to figure yourself out, and believe me it really is a huge accomplishment. Refusing to even acknowledge that you might not be straight is one hallmark of being in denial, and believe me, I know all about denial. I spent 35 years living in it. No one here can tell you that you are gay. Only you can decide that for yourself. But questioning all the learning you were given by your parents, family, friends, and society for so many years that told you that only being straight is "normal," that you should be ashamed of yourself if you're not straight, is a great first step. I would. And if you do write a post for us, no matter the length, it can also help us understand you better, and help us to help you better. For example, I don't really know how you feel about all this? Does thinking about being gay give you anxiety? Have you ever had any sexual experience with a woman? Were you brought up with a religious background? Are your friends/family homophobic? Many of us here also have internalized homophobia caused by outside influences telling us that being gay is bad. Does that ring true for you? See, so many questions that can be asked, and the answers tell us so much more about you and how we can help you discover yourself.
Thank you! That is so sweet of you! To try and answer some questions you asked. No, i dont have any experience with women, but to be fair, none with men also. (i know. Im getting started a bit on the late side..) Thinking about being gay does give me some anxiety, yes. Im not sure i can really explain why, as my parents are not homophobic, i was raised with the believes that we're all equals. My brother is a different story though, he is very religious and believes being gay is a sin. So i suppose its not so much my family's reaction i fear, its more how the outside world views it? For example, i know for a fact that my co worker straight up hates everything gay-related. So that makes me nervous. I've been bullied all through school. And being called a lesbian (in a negative way) among other things, probably hasnt helped. However, if im being totally honest with myself, the thought of dating a woman is much more appealing to me then the thought of dating a man. Ive never really been comfortable around men, although there are guys i find really attractive. But cant imagine having a long term relationship with one. (*hug*)
I'm not sure there is a way to tell people are gay by just looking at them unless they are purposefully flaunting being gay in some way. That having been said I'm sure I strike people as gay too. I'm pretty sure there has been some whispering behind my back from past friends. I would say just give yourself time to feel this out. Give yourself the breathing room to figure yourself out. I'm in my late thirties and still figuring this out, so you're ahead of me in that regard.
It sounds like you're still unsure that you're lesbian, though it certainly seems like it to me from your post. I assume you're not in a relationship currently. If that's the case, I think you should try to find a female partner. You don't have to come out, or tell anyone for that matter, but having some experiences with sex with women may help you to figure this out for sure. Another way that people have suggested is to think about your fantasies during masturbation (without porn) and determine where those fantasies take you. That's a good clue. Again, you describe fantasies in your post, so that seems to ring true as well.
Thanks so so much for taking the time to respond. Its really helpful too! SkyWinter, I think you're right, i indeed need to give this all the time it needs. Its been 31 years already, so a little more time wont kill me. Imgay47, good suggestion! I should just go and experience it. See how i feel. Had a talk about this with my best friend this morning, she's kinda suggesting the same thing. Give it the time it deserves, and she's offered to take me to a gay bar. Really thanks again! It really is very helpful to be able to freely talk about this here!
