Hello everyone! If you guys could offer some advice on how to figure out my sexuality, I would greatly appreciate it! It's a bit of a long post, and I apologize for that, I just didn't know what details to include and which ones not to. A little background: I am a 19 year old female and started questioning my sexuality about a year ago (but only very seriously for the past 6 months). I've always thought I was straight, but I think that's just because I was raised to think that way and never really had any exposure to the lgbtq community. I've also never fit in with the stereotypical lesbian characteristics, so I think that persuaded me to think I was straight. I think I'm either gay or bi, but I'm not too sure. I had a couple "boyfriends" in high school, but they never lasted more than a couple months, usually because I felt uncomfortable kissing, holding hands, and felt awkward around them. I liked them as a person, but I think I actually just wanted to be their friend instead of their significant other. I've never really had crushes on guys either and when I did, it was usually because I found out that they liked me. The weird thing is, that I really do enjoy looking at a guy's body and face (dicks gross me out) - though I can't tell if it's attraction or I think they just look nice. I do think they're hot though. I'm not sure why didn't like kissing guys, but it could be that I was really inexperienced and had no idea what to do - it just felt forced. I've never really had crushes on girls either, but I feel like I am sexually attracted to them. I enjoy looking at their bodies, and when I fanatize, I always picture me with another girl. I've only ever had close female friends, though I've always wanted a guy best friend haha. I currently have a major celebrity crush on a lesbian youtuber and I'm pretty confident it's more than just a "girl crush". I've kissed my friend (who's bisexual) twice while we were drunk, and both times I enjoyed it (not that I like her, I just liked the kiss). I can picture my future with either a guy or a girl, but for some reason, I just really want a girlfriend right now. Also, I get turned on watching lesbian porn, but not as much watching straight porn (though I've heard most straight girls feel the same way about that). I know that most people will say not to worry about labels, but I really want to label myself, because I think I'll feel more comfortable that way. I just do not like not knowing what my sexuality is.
You seem to have a lot of conflict around guys. They are hot. You've dated some. But it feels awkward to be with them. You mentioned kissing your friend while drunk. Would you kiss her when not drunk? So I don't really see anything you've said that makes me think you are a lesbian, but you don't come across as entirely straight either. Are you bi? Maybe. But you tell me.
I wouldn't kiss her while sober (I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship), but I would definitely kiss other girls - I just haven't really had the opportunity yet.
All of this makes it sound to me like you're not interested in men. You feel uncomfortable kissing or holding hands with them, and you feel awkward around them in relationships, and kissing them feels forced. Lots of lesbians feel that way. If you liked men, you would probably be really into kissing them. It's common for lesbians to date men they really want to be friends with, thinking their feelings might be stronger than that when they're still figuring themselves out. Also, it's normal to find people of any gender hot - it doesn't mean you're not a lesbian. Straight girls can find other girls hot. You don't seem to feel sexually attracted to men, and that's different than finding someone hot. I think you should explore your feelings for women. Focus on those right now, you don't need to know 100% if you're a lesbian or not (although for what it's worth to me it sounds like you are one). PM me if you want to talk.
