Hi, lately I have been very confused about my sexuality and I don't have anyone I can to, so here I go. I'm a guy, 18 years old and have a girlfriend. I don't know If I am bi or gay, and this question never really seemed important to me, but these weeks I have noticed that I don't really LOVE my girlfriend the way she loves me, I'd rather say I feel very loving towards her, and that made me think. Thinking about it, I have always "behaved gay": I liked to play with dolls, I didn't fight like the other boys, I had many female friends. When I masturbate I tend to think more about guys, when I watched porn (before my relationship) I used to pay attention to the guy and I constantly catch myself looking at bulges. Nevertheless, when with my girlfriend, I have no problem getting a boner, I really want to have sexual contact with her and so one, I never feel like I have to push myself towards pretending I'm not gay or anything like that when I'm with her. Thinking about having sex with men/women turns me on equally. Also I can jerk off to images of a girl, it's hard to explain but while almost every guy turns me on, only some girls do. It seems like "naturally" I would rather look at guys, but girls do it for me too. I feel very pressured to make a decision about what I am, especially since I like my gf so much, the last thing I want is to lie to her. Thinking logically I would call myself bisexual leaning towards guys (Kinsey 4 or 5), but something inside of me tells me I am lying to myself. I am afraid I might be gay and am only lying to myself by saying I'm bi. Thank you so much for your help.
I had the same thing, and recently broke off my most serious relationship, as sex with him made me realize I had no romantic or sexual attraction to males. I relate to this in that I can still acknowledge males are sometimes very attractive (for example, someone like Jensem Ackles, I'd hug for a good 5 minutes, I'd hang out with him, whatever) but my fantasies aren't sexual. Also, like you mentioned I realized how not natural thing felt with my boyfriend. I don't want you to pressure you into anything, etc, but it sounds like something along the lines of bisexual, with a strong preference to males, or gay with some straight tendencies. I wish you the best of luck in finding yourself, it's a long journey sometimes but so so worth it! ☺️
I know this isn't the easy answer, but only you can truly know what you identify as. For me, when I had a girlfriend I was never very attracted to her physically or emotionally. I never really got aroused by anything sexual we did. But for you it sounds like you at least have some sexual attraction towards girls. Overall it sounds, from an outside perspective with limited information, that you could be bi with a strong preference towards guys. Some people would rather just call themselves gay, since they don't feel like they'd ever want to be with a girl, even though there is some slight attraction. No matter what you are, labels don't define you. It's okay not to label yourself right away. It's not an easy task, but eventually you'll discover who you are. I wish you luck in the process!
Might there be two issues here? You say you don't really love you girlfriend but feel loving towards her - is that how you normally feel about your girlfriends or is this something just with her? You might not be in love with her in which case that is one issue really and perhaps you need to think about your relationship with her in itself? I'm not trying to pressure you in doing anything but I'm just pointing out that it sounds like you are questioning your sexuality AND that you may not be in love with your girlfriend but the two aren't necessarily related. Regarding labels, what makes you think you would be lying to use the label bisexual? From what you have said it seems that you are attracted to both men and women so bisexual might be right for you? However, like Lambeau said you don't have use any label if you don't want to and I'm certainly not saying you should use bisexual - just wondering why you think that it would be a lie using it? Another thought, from what you say it sounds like you identify to everyone as straight so might there also be an issue with coming out? Or have you discussed this with anyone in real life? Hope this helps but don't feel compelled by any of it - keep posting and we will do our best to help you (help entirely on your terms of course). Hope you feel better.
First of all thank you very much for answering me. Barbatus, what you say is right. But I feel like I might be "too gay to love her" or "not bisexual enough to love her", do you understand what I mean? That is why there might be a connection about me not loving her the way she loves me and me being gay or bi. About coming out... There would probably be no major problem, my family is liberal and supportive. The problem is that if I'm gay I can't keep my relationship. After all it seems like I should talk to my gf.... I know I am (at least kid of) bisexual, the question is if I am enough to love my girlfriend the way she deserves and needs me to. Currently we are in a long distance relationship. All of those questions came up since we're separated "physically". I just don't want to lie to her and to myself. She is my soulmate, my very best friend and favorite person, I care deeply about her. Therefore she's the one I would talk to about something like this, but she is my gf, can't put her in this position, you understand? There are some times I feel very confident about me loving her and the relationship enough to keep it alive, but there are times where a feeling from inside just tells me to "stop lying" and makes me lose all hope. I can't imagine myself having a boyfriend, but these feeling of lying to me and her is really killing me.
No problem. I know from experience that it is a lot better to speak about these feelings than try and bottle them up. I think I get what you are saying about being too gay to love or not bi enough - have you had these feelings with other girlfriends? I think you are right that you need to be honest with her - not that I'm saying you need to do anything now - just that it seems like if you want to act - i.e. come out - then speaking to you gf would be the place to start. Don't feel like you have to do anything now, there is no pressure to do anything. Could you explain a bit more about the long distance thing? Did you have these thoughts at all when she was lived near you? Have you been in a long distance relationship before with other people? Do you think it is the long distance that makes you doubt whether you love her or have you always had these doubts? Is the feeling of lying about lying to her that you love her or lying about the fact that you are attracted to guys? Do you try and imagine having boyfriend and find you can't? That may be a result of having the heterosexual family held up as the norm and so it can be hard to imagine a live different from that. Sorry for all the questions and you don't have to answer them if you don't want to but if you can think about answering them it might bring some clarity for you. It may be that the long distance is making you doubt your feelings about her or it may be that her absence has created the space for you really feel your attraction to men. Just something to think about but again no rush, you don't have to do anything yet (I say yet because it sounds like you might be feeling like you should do be honest with her and maybe come out as well - is that something you are considering doing?).
Well she is my first serious gf, so I can't compare how I'm feeling with anything else. I am definitely going to talk to her, what I'm feeling is taking over my mind and my thoughts the entire day Actually I have come to accept that I am gay with a thing for women or bisexual with a preference for men. So we were together for 6 months when I left, like I said we are best friends and soul mates, our friendship developed into this relationship over the years. I have always known I'm interested in men, but I never was something that prevented me from liking or admiring her (even in a sexual way). Since I am away I have started to realize that these feelings have changed. I believe that the distance is making me realize how much I miss her/don't miss her. That's why I'm doubting everything. So, I am going to talk to her about how I feel. The problem is I don't know if I should keep the relationship, I know the decision is something I have to make with her, she has to know about how I feel. It's just that I need to be clear about how I'm feeling before talking to her. I need to be honest and say what I can and what I can't do. And that's why I'm wondering whether I love her enough to stay with her, to keep her happy and to be happy, or not. I don't want to say I want to stay in the relationship and soon realize it's been the wrong decision. I am willing to fight for us, but I don't want to put her through something that is going to harm and hurt her. What confuses me is that these months we've been together have made me nothing but happy, but since I'm here I'm doubting all of it... I wonder if as soon as I go back my feelings will go back to normal, but even if so I'm afraid I can't ignore what I was feeling this time we where apart....
Whoamo, your post is almost an exact echo of me when I was 22. I still haven't figured myself out except that I remember loving her deeply and being totally devastated when we split up. I hope you find your answers and happiness.
Well it sounds like you have decided to talk to her so I guess that means you've decided about your sexuality? I wouldn't worry about how you label yourself right now (although if it helps you then think in label terms) but I think you are right about being honest with her. From what you say it sounds like you are pretty certain that what you have been feeling recently are your true feelings? Do you have a timescale in mind for this or are you just certain that you want to speak to her at some point? I would suggest taking some time before speaking to her (even just a couple of days) so you can be clear about what you want to say. I don't want to lead you to any particular conclusion - but from what you say, it doesn't seem like you can continue the relationship on its current terms. Could you visit her for a few days and see if that changes or confirms how you feel? Obviously, that might not be an option you want to pursue because it would put in a position where you wouldn't have a space from her. However, this might tell you whether these feelings depend on you being apart from her? I'm just throwing out suggestions - if you have decided you want to talk to her then you are right you need to be clear but you don't have to tell her you've decided anything if you haven't. You just need to be clear about what you are thinking and feeling - it is ok to tell her that you find yourself more attracted to men and that you are unsure about your relationship with her. I know that you don't want to hurt her but you also don't have to provide all the answers to every question. You are entitled to just say that you are confused. If you want to run through what you want to say to her (when you decide to talk to her) on here do so. It might help anyway just to write out what you are planning on saying. Hope you are feeling more sure of yourself.
Whoamo, I don’t want to confuse your situation more, but I felt I should add something here. Since you are contemplating that you might be bisexual, for bisexuals the degree of attraction to one sex over the other varies from individual, and speaking for myself (and what I understand from other bisexuals I’ve talked to), our preference can fluctuate (often called fluidity) to a greater or lesser degree, back and forth over time between men and women. For me, it fluctuates only over a period of years. For some it fluctuates as often as daily. If you want to read more about this, check out this thread: How Does Bisexual Preference Work Also, as Lambaeu indicated, there is a difference between romantic attraction for someone – wanting to just be around them, cuddle and maybe kiss – versus sexual attraction – wanting to be with them and have sex with them. Sometimes they coincide. Sometime they don’t. It totally depends on each individual person. There is very good website you may want to check out that talks to questions about bisexuality and has some good links. It’s a UK website called The Bisexual Index: The Bisexual Index | What is Bisexuality? I don’t know if this helps or just muddles your situation, but it sounded like you could use the input. Take Care. Best of luck!
