I’m confused, and have been for a long time. I’ve known since middle school that I’ve been attracted to both sexes. But the thing that confuses and scares me, is how much it switches around. One day I’ll be interested in women, then the next I’ll have forgotten all about them and can’t get men out of my head, and on other days it’s vice versa. Sometimes it varies from hour to hour. I find I’m more readily physically attracted to women. However, when I see a guy who I find attractive, the feelings I experience have, for lack of a better phrase, a special shine to them, meaning they feel more vivid. Also, whenever I think about a relationship - not a just sex, but dating, snuggling, holding hands, etc. - I find myself doing so far more often with men than women. So, what does this all this mean? Am I straight for being more physically attracted to women? Am I gay due to the special shine of the feelings I have for men? Am I some type of bisexual where my libido can’t make up its mind? How do I find out? It doesn’t help that I handled the two aspects of my sexuality by trying to deny them both. I never dated or attempted any sort of romantic or sexual experience with anyone until college; all during my high school years, I went at great lengths to avoid them, often talking down to myself to do so. I tried to explore my sexuality a bit more in college, but the short version of that story is that all attempts at this were disasters, resulting in my regressing to my high school habits for awhile. Only recently have I decided to make another attempt to figure all of this out. Any advice you can offer is very much appreciated; I need to do something before I end up living the rest of my life filled with confusion and self-loathing. Thank you for reading.
You could totally be bi. Bi people can have preferences and everyone experiences attraction in different ways- i.e there's no set way to feel attracted to a person or a gender. An example featuring yours truly: I'm pan and some days I'll experience super mega attraction to ladies and then other days it's kind of subdued, or maybe one day I'm all about nonbinary people and don't notice guys and girls as much, I'm still into guys and girls, but that particular day I'm much more invested in nonbinary folks. I'm also not really into men, I'm attracted to them but I have a large preference to women and nonbinary people. I hope this was clear- have a nice day
Thank you for responding! That makes sense - I guess I always knew that was likely where my attraction lay, but until recently I had trouble feeling comfortable with it, which I handled by burying those lovey-dovey feelings as best I could. However, all this week at work I made myself accept these feelings instead of pushing them away, and it was a different experience. The small crush I'd developed on someone I'd worked with in a different department flared in intensity; whenever I so much as glanced at him, I felt this excited giddiness inside, as well as a strong urge to hug him. Now I can't get him out of my head XD It was a strange experience, but a good one. I've felt more free and relaxed than I can remember being in years, and the sight of this aforementioned crush gave me a boost of energy to get through a stressful part of the day. There was still some shame at the end of my shifts, with the old habit of trying to suppress those emotions trying to come back, but all in all, I think its the start of heading in a good direction.
