My best friend was my first crush in high school at age 14 and i had feelings for her for a while. She was the start of my confusion on my sexuality. Anyway fast forward 12 years, now we are 27, we didn't have contact for many of those but for last 2 years we have been talking pretty consistently. Last month we were having an open conversation, she mentioned she was pansexual and seemed suspicious about me, so I admitted that I used to have feelings for her and that I was still having attraction to girls. So this past Thursday she came to visit where I live (she knows a lot of other people here too). The first night she stayed at my house we both got drunk. Eventually we went to go lay down in my bed and she was very touchy, she kept grabbing me and holding onto me, she ran her hand around my face a couple times, she kissed my forehead and nose. She pulled me in close to her and I almost kissed her, for some reason I was able to hold back cause i doubted myself and what was happening in that moment. I spent an hour cuddling with her with my head near her cheek and kind of rubbed her cheek. I had such intense feelings when we were having physical contact , my whole body felt stimulated.This was a situation I thought I was over for years and now this happened and I have felt depressed for 3 days, I feel like a giant wound has been ripped open, more than anything I don't understand why she acted like that even if she was drunk, it was the first time she did that ever. She is here for 2 more weeks but not at my house the whole time, she doesn't go this far when she is sober and mostly just jokes around. She is supposed to be staying her again a few days this week but idk if it is a good idea, is this just going to hurt me to have her around right now? how do i handle this when it is my best friend who I usually have a great interaction with? Im confused. any advice is appreciated. :icon_sad:
It is hard to tell but maybe your conversation 2 months ago got her interested to explore. Is this type of exploration worth it? Probably not, since she never said she had a crush on you or admitted to any feelings. Obviously we don't know what's on her mind, But based on what we know about you, don't let her play with you. If you can't hold your ground and keep her at distance while she is drunk, maybe decide on alternative arrangement. Your wound seems to be deep - if she has feelings for you, she will care not to hurt you by playing around. Maybe tell her that her actions while being drunk are messing with your feelings. If you can't let her know you still feel something, keep her sober or stay away.