Not sure if lesbian, bi-sexual, have some kind of emotional dependency problem, etc.?

Hi everyone,

This is another one of those "I'm unsure!" posts, but please bear with me as I try to flesh out my thoughts. I appreciate your patience.

I just started a PhD program this fall and am away from my support system for the first time. I've made great friends here and have been adjusting well to the academic demands of graduate school (and to a different region - I'm from the South and am attending school in the Midwest), but... I started questioning my sexuality lately after finding myself spending so much time with one of my female classmates (I am female as well). I've never had a boyfriend (though I've had serious crushes and feelings for men) and have never even kissed a guy before, so my sexual and romantic experience is near 0 and equal for both genders.

For some elaboration on the emotional dependency part of my title, I've... always had mommy issues. My dad has been out of the picture for a long time, so my mother has been both my mother and my father. My mom is also kind of rougher, too (not the soft and sweet kind of mom but more of a loud barmaid mom, I guess?), so I've kind of looked for soft and sweet mother figures throughout my life. This almost always came in the form of teachers and professors. I'd find some who really cared about me and who wanted to "mother" me, and I'd gladly oblige.

I really enjoy affection from women, be it verbal or physical. I like it when my "mother figures" call me "honey" and "darlin'" and pat my head or play with my hair or something. I don't think this is a sexual or romantic enjoyment - it's more of a warm contentment of feeling like someone cares about you as a mom would. Maybe it's just because I grew up in the South, but it wasn't abnormal for my teachers to act this way with me, and I'd always get a sort of gleeful joy from having such close relationships with them.

Fast forward to now. I'm killin' it in grad school taking my classes, doing my research, and hanging out with my classmates. I really clicked with one of my classmates, and we go out with the group a lot and I aways end up hanging with her. I'm very young in my program and a lot of the others (including this girl) are older than me, so they like "taking care" of me in a way and just naturally look out for me and support me.

This girl will sometimes say, "oh, you poor baby!" and give me a hug when something bad happens, she'll call me "sweetie" sometimes, she'll pat my head or tap my shoulder casually in conversation, when I'm drinking and do weird things she'll say, "oh, I just love you!" and somehow show affection, etc. She's a straight female in a relationship with a man, so I know she's probably just an affectionate sort of person (she's from the South, too, so we have that in common). She's also very caring and will ask me how my day went and ask why I look so sad or so tired (kind of like a mom would, right?).

I don't know WHY, but I enjoy these little moments, and it makes me wonder if it's because I have a crush on her or something? If I'm lesbian? Like I mentioned, I'm the kind of person who loves maternal attention and affection, but I've never experienced it with someone this young before (and in my peer group, no less). I've started to doubt myself and think about things, and I feel like I am checking her out and noticing her more because I am worried about what it is that I'm feeling. I don't really feel sexually attractive to her, but I do feel emotionally close to her.

This may very well just be some deep rooted psychological problem with my own mommy problems and dad abandonment problem, but what do y'all think? It's stressing me out because I don't know how I feel and what to do. Am I just looking for someone to care about me because I'm so far away from my real mother and all my mother figures, or is this something more? Some kind of suppressed sexuality? I grew up in the bible belt where homosexuality was considered a sin, and even though I am liberal and am an academic who supports and accepts the LGBTQ community, I wonder if I had convinced myself liking women was wrong and only now am thinking about it since I'm away from that environment?

Thanks for making it through this entire post if you made it this far, and I'd appreciate any thoughts on this matter.

 

Re: Not sure if lesbian, bi-sexual, have some kind of emotional dependency problem, e

Thank you for your input, Landgirl! It's interesting to hear that you experienced the, "Oh, I just want a mother figure" thoughts as well. If I may ask, when did you realize it was more than that? Have you always felt these feelings? What "changed" for you?

I know that I'm young and single and have every opportunity to experiment, but I feel so very sheltered and confused at the moment. I've never questioned my sexuality until now, so these thoughts are new to me. I've never had a "real" relationship with a man, but I've gone on dates and have gotten butterflies and such, and that totally feels different than what's happening here. I don't feel nervous around this woman like I have been around men, so I don't *know* if that's it. But how *can* I really know?