Hi, my name is Reny. I'm fifteen and i'm really confused. All my life I've been told that being gay was wrong (I grew up, and still am, a Christian and my mom is not so accepting). So, recently as I've been starting high school over the past few years I have been exposed to more life choices (Do I sound like a moron?). My mom has kind of shielding me from any gay couples, people who are transgender, and just anyone who is different for my whole life. So, recently over the past year or so I've been noticing girls in a whole different way. When I was younger I would think, "I wonder if she likes books, too." (I used to read like it was my oxygen when i was younger.) but now when I see a girl I wonder if she likes girls and sometimes I wonder what kissing them is like. Thinking of girls, even guys, in a sexual way grosses me out though. There is this one girl in my gym class (she's a year older than me so we've never been in the same classes together before and probably never will again) but she's really cute. I have been attracted to girls before, like I have with guys, but this is the first time I've actually likeda girl. At lunch I find myself sneaking glances at her. Stereotypically, she looks like she might be a lesbian but I know I shouldn't guess based on looks. There is another girl who is also sterotypically dressed and people always mistake her for a guy. She's pretty, nice, and smart. I'm so awkward and I can't talk to someone without offending them or making them think I have issues. Back to my family, my mom is very homophobic, so is my brother, and my mom has planted the idea in my younger sibling's minds that being gay is unnatural. Even if I was sure I was a lesbian, or even bi, I would never come out until after high school. It would make life hell for me. I know that people say "If they don't accept you, they're not worth having around." You can phrase it however you want, I've learned it's not true. The people who don'e accept me is my family, it would make things extremely awkward with my friends, remember I don't many friends, I barely talk to the kids in my class anyway. I wish I could just have no sexuality, but I know that gets annoying. I want to be free and belong to something at the same time. I don't really know what I just wrote, but it feels good to get that off my chest. I want to know if anyone can help me. I feel like I live in a hurricane and I just want to be on solid ground for once, to know who I am. :help: (!) I couldn't resist.
It's possible that you might not be straight or since you mentioned you've been pretty shielded you entire life it could be that natural curiosity is kicking in now that you're being surrounded by all of these new things. You're still pretty young so there still might be time you need to spend to discover more about yourself before you come to a definitive answer.
Hi reny, First off, well done for coming on here and telling us about your problems. It's not easy to say or to express some of our deepest thoughts but (as you seem to have realised) getting these things off your chest makes a big different when it comes to dealing with things. So I hope, if nothing else, posting helps. Second, you don't have to decide or do anything yet. I think it might be an idea to take some time to figure out what exactly you feel and where you might want to take it -I'm talking generally here about your sexuality and your attraction to girls rather than specifically about the girls you mentioned. It sounds like your biggest problem is going to be your mother. You don't mention your father so is it just you, your mum and your brother? It sounds like you've been kept sheltered but is there any friend you think you could talk to about how you're feeling? Maybe a non-religious friend? Alternatively, I would suggest keep on posting at EC and talk through things. To that end, do you feel attraction to boys as well? Do you think 'he's cute and smart' or are these thoughts mainly about girls? If you could explain about more how you react to boys as well as girls it might help clarify things for you. Hope this helps and remember we are here to help so you don't have to say anything you are uncomfortable with. Wishing you well.
I highly suggest trying to find someone to talk to - whether that be an understanding friend, supportive Aunt or Uncle, or even a counselor. Talking helps a ton as it helps you organize your thoughts. If you can't find anyone to talk to IRL, then keep posting here. We're all here to help each other out.
