Could use some advice.

Tomi,
I’ve been where you are to some degree.

I would ask: why do you feel the need to label yourself right now? You don’t give any reason why you would be compelled to have a deadline for understanding and accepting your sexuality. The only people you sexuality is truly important to are you and whatever partner(s) you may choose to have a relationship with.

For myself, I basically knew I was different around age 13. And in my teen years I thought (and was terrified that) I might be gay. I kept struggling to understand my sexual orientation. Finally, it wasn’t until I was 23 years old that I completely understood my sexuality and I finally accepted that I was bisexual at age 25. But everyone is an individual. We all come to understanding and acceptance of our sexuality on our own timeline.

And you aren’t expected to label yourself. Heck you could just as easily tell your friends and family: “I love who I love” and leave it at that. It is far more important that you come to your own understanding and acceptance of your sexuality than it is to attach any labels.

Your sexuality is personal and private information. You are never obligated to explain your
sexuality to another living soul, if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.

And as far as dating goes, it might actually help you to clarify your feelings. You aren't going to trick yourself into loving someone falsely if you are honest with yourself. But you may certainly be able to figure out whether or not you are more likely to develop real, romantic and sexual attraction to one or both genders by dating a few people. If you're uncomfortable dating guys first, then date a girl or two who interests you and see if there is a spark. If not, then you could try dating a couple guys who attract you and see how it works.

I don’t know if that helps.

Take Care.

 

Hey Tomi,

Just to second what Quantuamreality said about labeling. Some find it very useful and easy to use a label, other don't. You seem concerned about explaining yourself to your family (which I can understand) but you don't have to explain anything to anyone and you certainly don't have use labels to do so. If labels aren't useful for your self-understanding then try not to worry about them too much. I know it's easier said than done but words are a means of expression (in this case of self-expression) and if the labels aren't helping then they aren't expressing what you are feeling.

Perhaps try dating but if you are uncomfortable doing that then maybe look into sexuality as a spectrum or do some reading on queer theory (I can't recommend anything specific but others might have some recommendations). It might help you realise that identity is a fluid and not easily categorised thing.

Otherwise I hope talking here will help you gain clarity. In that vein, if you are comfortable doing so, could you recount some examples of your attraction to men and women and how you felt? Only post this if you are happy to but it might provide you with some insight about how you feel/felt by writing down what you experienced whether you do it here or in a journal. Most importantly you don't have to decide anything right now or in the near future - it takes time and it is a process so don't pressure yourself into thinking you must provide an answer, it's not an exam. Hope you feel better and this helps.

 

I think this is what is limiting you. Why is it so important to you that you not date until you are able to put a label on yourself?

Turn this around - how about date in order to find yourself. Once that is done, then come out if you wish. You can date on the down low for a bit.

 

Hi Tomi,

I understand what you are saying about your family - and that engenders a huge amount of respect for being principled about how your family find out about your sexuality.

Thanks for providing some anecdotes, I'm assuming the friend you mentioned was a woman? That guy in the bar is also not a great experience to have - someone coming up to you and invading your personal space like that, I would really not like that at all. However, it explains a bit why you want to get away and experiment if you think your experience is limited - but I would reiterate that you don't have pin yourself down to anything yet.

I've a couple of questions. Are you concerned that unless you can clearly label yourself to your parents then they won't be accepting or they won't understand or something like that? Also, you mentioned in your first post that you don't want to come as bi when what you really mean is gay - is that what you think might happen? If so do you mind talking about why you think that?

The whole 'coming out bi but actually being gay' thing is what I did and I'm not particularly proud of that but without it out I'm not sure I could have accepted being gay. It was a step by step process for me. So if that does happen or even if you use one label but feel another one suits you later on it might just be your way of processing your identity. There are people here who have identified as one label for years and then find themselves questioning it. It is something we all go through to different degrees so don't get disheartened by it.

Last thing, do you know any friends in real life that you could talk to about this? It's no big deal but it can help having someone to support you in addition to us - obviously we will help you as much as we can and for as long as you need.

 

Hi Tomi,

I can totally understand that and I agree with Barbatus.

As I said, I believe that understanding and accepting your own sexuality is far more important than labeling yourself. Answering Barbatus' questions could help clarify your situation.

Dating isn't a requirement - nor is having a sexual experience with either (or both) men or women - in order to understand your sexuality. Have you ever had a crush on anyone? Have you ever had that feeling that you had butterflies in your stomach just being around them? When your palms sweated? And you couldn't stop thinking about them? If so, has that happened around men or women or both.

Pornography is a poor indicator of sexuality. When you masturbate without pornography, do you picture sexual encounters with men or women or both in your mind?

I'm not sure how familiar you are with bisexuality. I know that growing up, I didn't even know that bisexuality really existed until I was in my late teens. I thought everyone either had to be heterosexual or homosexual. But bisexuality does not mean being attracted to men and women equially. Some of us have a stronger preference for women and some have a stronger preference for men. And our sexuality can be fluid. For some of us, our stronger preference changes over time - sometimes as quickly as daily. For myself, I have definitely noticed that my preference has fluctuated back and forth over a period of years.

There is an online resource about bisexuality that you may want to check out:

The Bisexual Index

Ultimately though, you have to do what is best for you.

I hope some of that helps.

Take Care.

 

Hey Tomi,

We're really glad that talking here is helping you, at least in some small way. It sounds like you are well on your way to understanding your sexuality.

If you really want to travel in order to explore your sexuality freely and without fear of discovery by your family, that's your choice, of course. If you do that, remember that you don't automatically have to have sex with someone to understand your sexual attraction to them. If you simply go so far as kissing them and you don't feel anything special ... well, that would indicate that you aren't really sexually attracted to that person anyway.

It does sound like you know that it may be best to understand and accept your sexuality before Coming Out to your family. But, again, try not to get stuck on labels or trying to fit into a category. Just try to understand your own feelings and emotions - your own sexuality. There really is no hurry. It will become clear to you in time.

Best of luck.

Take Care. Stay strong and proud.

 

Hi Tomi,

Glad to hear that EC is helping and I hope the pressure of deciding has lessened somewhat.

I hope you get a chance to speak to your friend as he will have a more accurate picture of your situation and may be a good sounding board for anything you want to think through - so speak to him when you can.

I don't know where you live but I'm guessing that there are no gay bars you could go to in your area? If not, and if you are seriously thinking of going away for a while, do you have a plan or an idea of how that might work? Would you look to get a job somewhere or move away for study? How far and how long would you be thinking of? And is it something you would want to do within 12 months or sooner? Just some things to think about if you are seriously considering a trip away.

However, I think you also need to consider that by moving away (even for a short while) will take away from your current network and the place you know so it may make it more difficult to deal with some things. This isn't to say it won't be helpful or that you can't do it - obviously it is something you have been thinking about and if you approach in the right way it could be very helpful. Just don't want to find yourself a bit isolated if things get tricky and having a plan in mind will help. But again no rush to do or decide anything just something to think about.

 

Hi Tomi,

Both sound like good plans for going away. What about looking at doing some work abroad? For example, in New Zealand you can stay with people for free and you help out with their business/home. Something like that might be a good idea because then you would have something already set up to do while you were there. I don't know where you are in the UK or what you do for a job now but would a change in job be an option - I'm thinking of something that either you would enjoy more or which would give you a reason to move, perhaps into a city. Have you considered moving to a city as an alternative?

Regarding coming out to parents: are you thinking of doing this because you think it will take too long to get away or because you want to be open about your sexuality? I'm not criticising for you for either reason - both a good reasons as the difficulty of moving away may have made you realise that you can be honest about it where you live. I'm just wondering if you feel pressured to come out to your parents or not?

What you've written out is very good, it makes the important point that being attracted to men and women doesn't give you more choice over who you like than any other attraction. However, you say that "If you have a problem with the possibility of me being with the same gender then I don't want you to be a part of my life until you respect my decisions" - are your parents likely to be hostile to you coming out? If you parents aren't likely to be hostile then you might not need to say anything about not wanting them in your live. Otherwise I think what you say is spot on - its not too long, it states your feelings and makes it clear that this is about your life and your decisions.

Before doing anything though, it might be an idea to think about these two related but distinct things - going away for a while and coming out. If your family are going to be broadly supportive and you came out to them would you still think of going away? If they might be hostile do you want to have a trip in place? Do you see them as related or as separate things?

 

Hey Tomi,

Sounds like you are forming a pretty clear plan.

Your draft Coming Out statement to your parents sounds good, but I would echo Bartabus with a concern over this part:

When you Come Out, it is about YOU and only you. Is there a reason that you want to be confrontational upfront? Perhaps you want to hold such a comment in reserve if they have a negative reaction to your Coming Out? I try to go into situations setting myself up for success in advance. That usually means being agreeable and understanding and with an attitude that I expect a positive outcome. More often than not, that results in a positive outcome. Going into a situation with a negative or confrontational attitude almost always ensures negativity and confrontation. Just my 2 cents.

Good Luck!

Take Care. Stay strong and proud.

 

That is totally understandable. All we were asking was if you really wanted to create a potentially hostile atmosphere right off the bat. And it sounds like you've reconsidered that. But, as you say, if anyone reacts negatively, there is no real reason to hold back your feelings or words at that point, unless you have any concerns about burning your bridges long-term with family members...

It sounds more and more like you're solidifying things in your mind about how to go about this and planning for potential consequences. Good for you!

OBTW, I don't know if you've got a place or places in mind to go, but you said you'd probably stay in the UK. I've been to Edinburgh before. It is a very LGBT-friendly city and while the weather is sh*t, I found the people to be nice and I really liked the city itself. Just a thought.

You know you have our support here on EC, regardless!

Good luck!

 

Hi Tomi,

Glad EC is helping to clarify things for you. Sometimes that's all we need, just a clear idea of what we want and what actions we can take.

I'm glad you are rethinking the bit about cutting them out of your life. I totally get what you are saying about them disrespecting you and if it comes to that you have a plan in mind to deal with it. What is your family situation - by which I mean, do you have any siblings, if so are you close with them or are you closer with one of your parents? I'm just asking because you might want to consider telling one family member first (i.e. the most supportive). This depends on what you think your family's reaction would be - from what you say it isn't clear what response you think is most likely. Although you do say you want a plan for best and worst case, do you have any prediction regarding their reaction? I ask because if you think they are going to be supportive then you wouldn't have to worry so much about building up the financial resources to move out and it would give you more flexibility on when you tell them.

As the trip is somewhat separate from coming out, it sounds like it would be a great chance for you to have a break from your environment and try some things out as well. It's beginning to sound a bit more like a holiday than an escape (just in my opinion from your last response). If that's an accurate assessment then I hope you really make the most of getting away and enjoy yourself. As Quantumreality suggests an queer friendly city would be an ideal place to go to.

 

You dad may have been uncomfortable at the notion that you might not be straight rather than hostile - unfortunately, even accepting people can find it uncomfortable to discuss and it will take them some time (like a few days or a week) to readjust. I'm not saying that it is right, what I'm saying is that some awkwardness is inevitable. Do you think you might read that as rejection when it is just your parents updating their concept of you?

From what you say, it sounds like your mum would be the best person to start with (unless you decide to tell both your parents at the same time) and it doesn't sound like they would be hostile, rather it sounds like they would be supportive (or your mum would at least).

Do you resent your parents interest in your life or do you think you find it intrusive because you haven't told them you are queer? I ask because if you want them to be supportive then you need to be able to be open with them and discuss things with them, particularly if they have questions like how long have you felt this way, how do you know for sure etc.

They will most likely want to ask you some questions, especially if they want to support you because they will be trying to understand what you are feeling and thinking. I'm not saying they have a right to question you or to make you talk about if you don't want to but they will most likely want to talk to you about it - you might want think of something to say that makes it clear you don't want to talk them about it without sounding like you are shutting them out. Like 'I'm not ready to talk about this yet' or 'I just wanted to tell you but I'm uncomfortable answering questions about it' or something.

However, to get the most support out of your parents you should be prepared to answer some questions because it will help them understand what you are going through and what you are looking for. You might want to think about it, in any relationship whether with friends, parents or partners it has to be reciprocal to get the most out it.

If you are more comfortable having some savings, do you have a timeframe in mind? Would you just want to move out of your parents house but stay in the same area?

I'm glad you feel you are making progress and that talking here helps. Its amazing how just writing out what you are thinking and feeling helps to clarify things and relieve the stress. I hope you are feeling better for it.

 

Have you considered just Coming Out to your mom for now? Could you trust her not to tell anyone else in the family until you are ready? Would it relieve some of your stress? Could you mom help you evaluate your Dad's likely reaction and maybe help you find the best way to Come Out to him? Just some thought.

That's very understandable. Living in a hostile environment and being dependent on them in that situation would only add to your stress levels. On the flip side, if they ARE accepting, you would have relieved yourself of the stress of keeping the secret that holds you at arms length from them now - which may very well bring you much closer to them in the longrun.

Having said all of that, I would reiterate what I said earlier in this thread which is that I am a firm believer that a person should understand and accept their own sexuality before Coming Out - especially to the people that they care about the most. To me, it kind of boils down to this: If you aren't comfortable with yourself, how can you calmly (well, as calmly as possible, since Coming Out is a very emotionally intense event for us) and rationally Come Out to your parents and deal with their questions and/or potential criticisms without risking inadvertently making things unintentionally worse because you say or do something that you regret at a later date?

You sound like you've gotten a better handle on how you want to approach all of this as we've all talked on this thread and I think that's great. Just having a plan to move forward can relieve a lot of your stress. But you'll only truly be happy when you've resolved all of this. Sooner rather than later is something all of us desire, but you can't rush any of this - especially your understanding and acceptance of your sexuality; it will come when it comes.

Tale Care.