I am writing here because I need some help and I believe this might be a good place to seek for it. It's been a year that I'm coping with the thought I might be gay: sometimes I felt completely gay, I've even told it to some friends, and sometimes I felt it was impossible to me to be gay. I am almost 27 years old and I had had an happy heterosexual life since on year ago, when I started doubting I might be gay. Now I see I have some attraction to men, it seems to me to like more the aesthetics of a man then a woman, so I believe I'm gay, but when I come to think about being intimate with a man or even to have sex together I am totally afraid and go crazy for fear and anxiety. So I can not tell if I am actually gay and I have fear to try it out because I think intimacy with another men to be disgusting. It's difficult because it's all about my fantasies and there is almost no feedback from reality. Does anyone has had this kind of fear? How to overcome it? Thank you!
Hi giovanni2k, This is an issue a lot of people face so you aren't alone in this. There have been other threads started here about similar issues so you might want to take a look and maybe wall post people going through a similar thing. I will just say two quick things. When you say you get afraid when you think of being intimate with a man are you afraid because it would commit you to being interested in men or because of another reason? The second point, you don't have to be just gay or just straight, you might be bisexual and be attracted to men and women? If you are unsure how you feel about men and women then that is totally understandable, as is your feeling gay then not gay - you are going through a lot and questioning you identity so some confusion is unavoidable. The important point is that you don't have to rush it and you don't have to be one thing or another, nor do you have to use any labels if you don't want to. For now maybe just keep talking through your experiences on EC and work through it in your mind.
Hello Barbatus, thank you for your advice, I will look for the other threads related to this issue. I do not fear being committed into liking men, because I did recognize myself as being gay at the time. I feared intimacy because I pictured it as awkward and also a bit disgusting. But like I said before, there were just my fantasies. I feel attracted to mens body, when for example I see men in the television, and it seems to me that I like them more than women, but still I feel no sexual drive, I do not get excited at same-sex fantasies. It might be that I am attracted to men aesthetic and have sexual drive for women? It seems very weird to me. Still many thanks , Giovanni
Thanks for clarifying. Sexuality is a spectrum so it is entirely possible that you find men attractive without being sexually attracted to them. But it might also be that having grown up in a society that values heterosexual relationships the idea might seem a bit disgusting because that is what you have been taught to think. You'll have to judge for yourself which applies to you best at the moment - but neither is a weird response and as long as you are being yourself you'll figure it out. Just a thought - do you like spending time with guys, have you ever liked spending time with a guy just because you get to spend time with him? If you have that suggests that you might just need time to get used to the idea of you engaging in same-sex activity. If not, then you might want to consider exploring your feelings by spending time with guys - maybe at a gay club? Just a suggestion and I don't want to go beyond what you are comfortable with but it might something for you to think about.
I used to be in a similar situation to yours a few years back. At first I had a little trouble imagining myself being intimate with a man, but still had the urge to be with one. However, when I stopped trying to force sex in the picture and instead imagined things like holding hands, cuddling or kissing, I became more and more comfortable with same-sex intimacy.
Thanks for your reply guys. I do actually like spending time with some of my friends just to be together, but I suppose that loving spending time with friends does not determine my attraction, even if actually I find a bit uncomfortable at the thought of dating a girl. In this last situation I would feel awkward. Unluckyly it is difficult to me to go to gay clubs because they are far away and I do not know with whom could I go as all my friends are hetero and do not want to go to a gay club. Probably I should stop questioning and just find out about me thanks to future experience, even if it's difficult to make boundaries not knowing my sexual orientation.
You are right that liking spending time with friends doesn't determine your attraction but you might have liked a guy so much that you can't stop thinking about them - I just wondered if you had experienced that? Are there any alternative queer organisations near you? I don't know how old you are - are you able to drive? Do you live with your parents or something? Just wondering how easy it would be for you to become more involved in LGBTQ+ things. I don't think you should stop questioning in the sense of exploring your sexuality. If you mean that you don't want to worry about it or about labeling yourself then that's a good thing. You shouldn't feel pressured into deciding one way or another and you don't have to figure yourself out right now. You might want to look up the Kinsey scale though - it might help you think things through.
Hi Barbatus, thank you for keeping replying my messages. Actually I've had some very strong friendship with male friends, I mean very strong, I cared much about these friends, but I've never thought of it sexually. On the other side I've had some female friends to which I thought a lot of time and I wanted them to be my girlfriend, but I do not know if this mean I was in love with them, I mostly was obsessed from the thought of being with them and most of the time I thought of it sexually and not romantically. I am now almost 27, so I have the possibility to go almost everywhere, I know there's an association in the city near my town, that organizes meetings every week to speak about LGBT topics, maybe I could go to one meeting. I agree I should try to hang out in some LGBT ambiance, I'll try out soon. I've read something about the Kinsey scale, and my search engine suggested me some test, I've taken some and they've all given step 0 as result, but I do not know. My biggest doubt at the moment is how it might be possible never having noticed to be attracted to men in 25 years of my life and then suddenly discover I love them? Still many thanks for keeping reading me, it really helps. Greetings from Italy :smilewave
Hi giovanni2k, No problem. I'm glad I'm able to help. I suggested the Kinsey scale not as a means of telling you what you are but just a means for you think about how you feel. If you felt it doesn't really explain how you feel then that is progress because you how you don't feel. If it did help explain some of what you feel then that's good as well. I wouldn't worry about tests, rely on what you feel - that's a better indicator. I don't want to give you categories because you have to decide for yourself but maybe you are bisexual and currently more interested in men? Or does that not sound right to you? I don't see why you couldn't live most of you life thinking you were straight and then realise you aren't - sexuality can change or it could be that you've only just realised that you are attracted to men even though you may have been very close to men in the past. Would it help if you wrote down your ideal romantic and sexual partner - as an exercise in thinking through what it is about people that you are attracted to. If you think it would help then maybe try it and see if help clarifies things. (Post it here if you like or just keep it to yourself.) ---------- Post added 29th Sep 2016 at 09:06 PM ---------- Oh and hello from the UK. Italy is one place I haven't been but would really love to go. Love Italian food.
Hello Barbatus, thanks for your reply. I find your thought about the Kinsey scale very interesting, at least now I know I do not feel completely heterosexual, but at the same time I do not feel completely homosexual, probably I'm going through a changing period, maybe I just have to stop denying my homosexuality (even if I do not feel like denying anything, but I suppose nobody who's in deny feel like denying) or maybe I am just curious about the gay world. What I am not able to use now it's labels. It might be that I am some sort of bisexual now, even if the word sexual is totally out of context as my sexual life is equal to zero right now. By the way I will probably go to some LGBT club with a friend, that will surely help make my mind clear. About my romantic dream, I've thought about it but it's very difficult. Surely it has to be open-minded, fun and sexy, I love also people who like music. You have absolutely to visit Italy! There are great cities and landscape, I suggest you to visit Bologna, it's not so touristic, but it is a very nice city (of course not comparable with Rome or Venice, but still very nice), which is very very lively and open minded, there's lot of life and music. I recommend it!
Hi giovanni2k, No problem. I hope it is helping. You absolutely don't have to use any labels at all if you don't want to - it can just be helpful sometime to try applying them to ourselves as we can feel which ones don't fit. It sounds like it helped you realise that you aren't heterosexual, the rest you can take as long as you like to figure out. Have you come across the term biromantic? It means falling in love with both men and women but does not necessarily mean being sexually attracted to both. I know it's yet another label but it's just to help you think about things, it is absolutely not about defining yourself before you are ready. You may find as well that your feelings and attractions change as you explore your sexuality - don't be surprised if you find yourself less attracted to women or suddenly noticing men more. Your going through a big change in your sense of self so don't worry if your emotions change or go up and down. Equally, try going to the LGBT club - if you find it uncomfortable you can leave, don't worry or stress out if you do find it uncomfortable. Of course, you might really enjoy it and find yourself relaxing. Either way just be yourself and don't worry if you don't 'solve it' all at once. (It's a good idea to go with a friend.) Thanks for trying to think of your romantic ideal, mainly my suggestions are to try and help focus your thinking in ways that are useful for you to understand your feelings. It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want to find in someone - whoever that could be. I know I need to visit Italy, I love Italian food and I cook a lot of it so I'd like to try the real thing. I don't like big tourist places, I want to see Italy without all the tourist stuff so I'll keep Bologna in mind. I really need to just go - I think I should make it my holiday for next year. Thanks for the travel tip. ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2016 at 08:02 PM ---------- It's easy to think that we should be able to stick labels all over ourselves and everything. And if there isn't a term for it then we tend to create a new label for it. But ultimately, labels are only valuable as long as they us to understand something - if labels don't fit your sexual identity then its worse than useless if we try and live up to them. Equally, sometimes having fantasies about things without having to act to them is just normal - basically it is similar to day dreams.
Hello Barbatus, yes your support is helping me a lot making my thoughts being constructive and not obsessive, thank you for this! I like very much the biromance idea, I've also read of some pansexual people here in the forum and I like it very much, for the moment I like to stick to concepts that have to do with romance instead of sex, as like I said at the moment I am sexually off. I hope going to the LGBT club as soon as possible, I'm actually waiting for a friend to have the possibility of going together, I am pretty sure it will be ok, as I am very open minded and very likely to make new acquaintances.
Hi giovanni2k, Glad it is helping. Yes, mostly it is just about helping clarify our thinking which helps us get clarity on things. Lol. I'm glad those labels have finally been useful - not that I'm labeling you but they can be useful for structuring our thinking. I am not really sexually attracted to a guy until I get to know them, I think quite a lot of people are the same with their respective attractions, so that might explain why you are more interested in the romance side of things. Of course, you could just be a romantic by heart Great. I hope it goes well and you have fun. Let me know how it goes if you want and feel free to talk more about things (you can also post on my wall). I leave it up to you. Wish you all the best for your trip the LGBT club. Have fun.
I agree labels allow making some firm points to which to stick. I can not wait going to the club, I hope to meet some people and maybe have some experience, it will surely make my mind clearer in one or the other way. I will tell you my experience as soon as I go Greetings
Hi, Yes, labels are useful but only so long as we remember they are just a way to help us understand ourselves and world. Please do let me know how it goes. I'm sure you'll have a great time, just stick with what you are comfortable with and relax and enjoy yourself. If you like we can switch to my wall for future conversations? Really hope you have fun.
Hi Barbatus, I've tried going on your wall but I received an error page, I'll retry soon. By the way I wanted to tell you a new "test" I've put myself on. I tried looking at nudes on the internet, both men and women. First I tried looking men first, and I did get a little bit excited. The day after I tried looking women first and did get excited faster. I have more sexual desire on women. I'll try the same in reality trying to flirt with men and women and see what get me more excited. Unluckily to flirt with men I've to wait to go to the LGBT club, but tonight I will anyway give a try to anything that comes.
Hi gio, Yeah, I can't access my profile page for some reason. I'll post on your wall once I can. I like the new 'test' you've come up with. Just be aware that your responses might change - so as you become more comfortable thinking of guys in a sexual way then you might find a quicker or different response. I think it will help though and at least you can become more comfortable with men and women. When are you thinking of going to the LGBT club?
Hi Barbatus, thanks for your reply. The test itself is pretty poor, I see, as it has nothing to do with reality, but still is something I wanted to try out. My problem is that I do not have much of a social net and everything about my sexuality I am trying to figure it out in my fantasy, which is mostly impossible. I hope to go soon to the LGBT club, I am waiting an acquaintance of mine to have the time to go, so maybe next weekend. I would like to kiss some guy I like to feel how that might be, even if it will be difficult: tonight I was out and met some guys and tried to picture me being intimate with them and felt it will be difficult to try out. But still I really hope to find someone to try being physical, like kissing and stuff like that, it will surely help me understand about my sexuality. At the moment I am interested in women and would love to be intimate with some girl I like, even if that might be what society ever told me it was expected from me. Who knows, I'm still not ready to know, what I'm sure about is that I definitively need some love. (*hug*)
Giovanni2k, i know some of your struggle. After a lifetime of believing i was straight, last year I was presented with the possibility that I might be gay and the thought if being intimate with men gave me awfull anxiety. I am better with it now but it is still a problem.
Hi Electronicmusic, thanks for your reply. I see I am not alone in this then. It's very difficult isn't it? I've also read your thread and know how confusing this all is. I find very useful the suggestion of Barbatus: to live a little bit the LGTB scene, it will surely help make things clearer. I am giving a try soon, maybe you could try the same.
