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Confused for over 9 years, please help me

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by charboy89, Sep 29, 2016.

  1. charboy89

    charboy89 Guest

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    I've been struggling a long while now with anxiety over my sexuality. It hasn't gone away in almost 9 years. I'm currently 27. I always get an erection when I'm with a women. If I get the sense a woman is interested in me, it definitely gets a raise out of me. I've never had this experience with a man in anyway at all. I've been confronted with the possibility of a gay hookup, gotten very nervous, maybe a little aroused but I felt no genuine urge to let a guy engage me sexually. I've hooked up twice with guys, guys I didn't know well, and felt no arousal at all.

    I feel like I've been open and honest with myself. I've been open and honest with my girlfriends about it. I'm trying to check out guys and see if I can get aroused, but it's not like I can usually get aroused by just looking at girls. Arousal, or whatever it is that happens when women affect me.

    I do a lot of checking. A whole bunch. And I have a hard time not relating things to sexual insecurity. I'm ready to just meet a guy who takes my breath away so I can know for sure. I feel like if I had a genuine crush on a guy i'd be able to get past this. I need something outside of my mind to make me feel I'm gay. I have enjoyed gay porn before and a very occasional fantasy. What's weird is that accepting that I like gay porn actually enhanced my sexual experiences with women.

    In fact, the more okay I became with liking gay porn, the better off I was with women. I felt less nervous. In 9 years of self analysis and chronic masturbation, I haven't really lost any of that seeming attraction to women. And I haven't gotten any closer to some epiphany that some of my most memorable male friends were actually crushes. I know and like that gay things have aroused me, but I haven't even been able to masturbate to gay porn recently. You would think any sign that I was less gay would make me calmer, but sometimes I'm afraid I'm going back into a closet. I just feel like I don't know.

    Many guys on EC have mentioned that their attraction to women fades away as they accept themselves. So I feel like either, in 9 years, I haven't made any progress in accepting myself or I've just made myself very paranoid about something I'm not.

    Things can feel off with women. Is that because I'm actually gay or because I'm not letting myself enjoy what comes naturally? When I try Chip's suggestion of masturbating to gay thoughts then straight thoughts, I really have an easier time "getting the job done" thinking of women. In fact, as of late, I can't even get a boner thinking of men. But I don't know if that's just cus I'm in denial.

    9 years is a long time to have anxiety about something. On two occasions I've had the urge to "come out." To let something off my chest. But i don't know if my words would be "I'm gay", but maybe "I'm scared and unsure of everything I once felt was right."

    And on the topic of male friends in the past who could have been crushes, should I have been sexually attracted to them at some point in time? I always thought these men were just guys I admired a lot. Guys I wished I was more like. I've never wanted to kiss a guy friend or do anything more with them than what I do naturally. i love my friendships with guys and wish nothing more from them. it's women that are complicated for me. If i feel myself getting close to a women, I see sex in the future, even if that sex isnt ridiculously passionate and lustful.


    I'd also like to apologize as a selfish sharer on this board. I come on it and essentially demand help for my problems and have little to return to anyone else. I know I'm not enlightened about something in my life and I'd give anything just to feel right and not anxious like so many people on here seem to be.
     
    #1 charboy89, Sep 29, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2016
  2. Quantumreality

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    O.K. charboy89,

    First off, nothing you said really indicates whatsoever that you are gay.

    What do you mean when you say you’ve “hooked up twice with guys”? And what prompted you to do that?

    Why are you trying to check out guys to see if you can get aroused?

    Some straight guys get off on the ‘forbidden’ nature of gay porn, but that doesn’t necessarily make them gay or even bi. If you only fantasize about gay sex through porn, but have no actual desire to engage in sexual acts with another man, this could very well be a fetish. If you can’t masturbate thinking about men without porn, you probably don’t have any real sexual desire for male intimacy. It seems unlikely that denial is your issue.

    Straight guys also occasionally have crushes on their male friends, but those never go anywhere because neither of them actually have any strong sexual desires for each other. Even as a bi guy, I’ve had a crush on a straight male friend that I knew could never go anywhere in the real world because, besides the fact that he was straight, I actually had no sexual desire (just a romantic desire) for him.

    It seems like you are overthinking this. There is some possibility that you might be bisexual, but your post doesn't even give a strong indication of that. However, only you can truly know your own sexuality.

    And don’t worry about feeling selfish for asking for help here. That’s the main point of this site.

    I don’t know if this helps.

    Take Care.:slight_smile:
     
  3. I'm gay

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    I didn't see in your post any mention that you have ever been aroused by a guy, even while hooking up with them. So I'm a little confused by what led you to ever have a suspicion that you might be gay. You say you keep testing yourself to see if you can get aroused by a guy, and when you don't, you wonder if it's because you're in denial. It sort of sounds like maybe you want to be gay more than you actually are.

    Are there other clues to your thinking that you might be gay or bi apart from what you shared here?
     
  4. heythere999

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    Reading this, it feels like you are leaving a lot of things out. Because your post doesn't make much sense.

    From your OP it makes it sound like you WANT to be gay which... Makes no sense... So I'm assuming that's not accurate, leading me to think that perhaps you aren't being too honest with yourself. Or, like I said, you're leaving a lot of vital details out.
     
    #4 heythere999, Sep 30, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2016