Okay so when i was 15 i realised i didn't fancy guys the way my friends did (imagining dating/kissing them etc) and immediately jumped to the conclusion that i was a lesbian. Now i'm 22 i think i prefer girls, so i've dismissed the idea of dating boys (unless i meet someone great which hasn't happened yet). My problem is i've had a history of social anxiety and depression so i still haven't done anything with anyone or had a relationship. Recently I went on a date with a girl and she wasn't my type at all. Throughout the night i was thinking 'please don't kiss me' and at the end it was really awkward and i left. When i was looking at her i felt absolutely nothing, and yesterday almost had a breakdown thinking i was asexual. However, i went to see a friend and she told me that she doesn't feel anthing when she's standing next to someone either (e.g. attraction, an urge to kiss them) and that she kisses people just... because she can. My questions are: 1) Is this normal or not, the fact that i feel nothing when standing opposite someone (of either gender)? I want a relationship and i want to be physical but in reality i've never met someone i feel an attraction towards and a strong desire to kiss. 2) I said yes to a second date thinking that maybe my feelings would grow or maybe i would like it if i tried it. The problem is now i feel physically sick at the thought of seeing her again. She was great and we had things in common but there was nothing between us and she's not my type, so i don't want to go along with something i'm not comfortable with. I hate confrontation, especially after she said she wanted to see me again and i agreed. Is there any way i can get out of meeting up a second time without saying 'i don't want to see you again'? I know excuses are bad and pathetic but on this occaison i don't mind looking like an ass because then i would be the bad one, instead of making her feel bad that i've suddenly turned around and said i don't want to see her again.
Hi 02sarahh, Welcome to EC! To answer your questions, yes, that is normal. Most of us need more than just having an available person to want to kiss them. You have to know something about them, have time to develop a bond and then some attraction and ultimately desire for them. I wouldn't worry about not being attracted to that one girl you went out with. Not everybody is going to click. As for cancelling, I'd say go. For one thing, it's the nice thing to do, particularly if the details have been set, but also because you already agreed and, you never know, she may be good friend material. If you find you're still not feeling it on/after the second date and she asks for a third date, let her down then. Wouldn't you like a second chance if you liked her but she wasn't feeling it? Just in case? If it helps, you can reframe the date in your head as just two acquaintances getting together. No pressure. Would that help? My 2 cents.
I'm going to disagree with the above advice. If you aren't feeling anything for this girl on the first date, then you aren't under any pressure to date her again. Some would say that is too soon to make a judgement, but you clearly didn't want her touching you so I don't see a reason why you should try and force yourself to see if you like it. Instead, go out with someone else who you find attractive and see how that date goes and then compare your feelings from that date to the one you are describing above. I don't think you are going to learn anything that useful by going out with this same girl you already don't like again.
Thank you for the replies. I was going to meet up with her again but the more i thought about it yesterday the more i hate the thought of playing a facade. I sound horrible and guilty for thinking that, but if i feel this strongly that it's not going to work then i don't think it was meant to. I'm glad my feelings are normal though? But because i feel nothing for anyone i'm wondering whether i'm asexual or bisexual. Complete opposites but either i'm feeling nothing for everyone, or i'm feeling the same thing for everyone and not realising it's there. I don't think that makes sense but i hope you get where i'm coming from
> because i feel nothing for anyone i'm wondering whether i'm asexual or bisexual. No, if you are not attracted to one person from a gender group that doesn't mean you are asexual. In fact, there are many people within the female gender group with whom I would NOT want to kiss. I believe in second chances. So my way, is usually to give some one one more chance. Then decide. Go for people you would actually find attractive this time/
