Okay to quickly summarize the past few months (in which I've received so much help here), I thought I was gay as a teenager and forced myself to like girls. I was effective at brainwashing myself, but sex with girls got to the point where I was heavily involved with BDSM and other kinks. In fact, "regular sex" was uninteresting and would not arouse me. Well I date a wonderful girl for over five years but then those homosexual desires come back. I cheated on her and felt awful. I confessed and came out to her, which of course she was upset but we are still together and currently in a somewhat open relationship. We are also long distance as of last year, so that hasn't been awkward. She does occasionally make comments that suggest she's worried I'm actually gay and will eventually realize that and leave her. I'm starting to have these same worries. After that I came out to friends and family. It was received much better than anticipated. I feel great. I've let go of shame over things I liked, dated and had some fun, and become very open in a short amount of time. I use to suppress things I liked because they seemed too feminine or "gay", and now i don't have those reservations. So the problem is that since I've come out to everyone, my sex drive has completely vanished. I don't even have sexual thoughts. I was always very sexual before. At first i was worried that perhaps I'm actually gay and that in my interactions with women, I used kink as a substitute for attraction to get me aroused. So that I was not attracted to women at all, it was the fetishes. But, I do feel some attraction to women. I generally find women more interesting to look at than men. If I'm in public my eyes are more drawn towards women. I easily bond with feminine energies at least in a friendly capacity. But I just don't want sex. I don't get aroused unless I'm consciously trying to "perform". I have no desire to have sex with anyone of any gender, including my girlfriend who visits ever 2-3 weeks. Now when I think about what I want, I get more excited about being emotionally connected to men. I used to consider marriage to my girlfriend and not imagine a life without her, but now that small part of me that thinks I could be gay is causing me to feel confused. I don't imagine that same future. But I don't have sexual desire. I like the thought of dating a guy and having that connection, not necessarily without sex, but not based on sex. I don't have fantasies about other women other than her whatsoever, where before I came out, I would think about other girls although it always involved the fetishes and kinks. I feel like I'm subconsciously clinging to my girlfriend for comfort, but I do feel like I genuinely love her. I can't stand the thought of being single again, she has become integral to my life. But, I also on some level feel trapped even though we are in an open relationship. It seems like it would be easy to determine my feelings and orientation if I still felt any arousal. But since that has died I'm completely unable to read myself and it's magnifying my confused emotions. I'm sorry if I rambled a bit, I hope this makes sense. I'm not sure why I feel like that, or what steps to take to repair it. I have even tried a viagra pill and although it got an erection, it doesn't do anything to stimulate desire of any kind. I actually feel happy lately, so it's not depression holding back my libido. I can't figure this out.
