New member looking for some help

I don't think you're gay if you have a girlfriend that you're in love with (without meaning to pry, are you attracted to her?), although you could possibly be bi.

When you fantasise about men, is it one man in particular? If it's just dominant men in general, rather than one person, then it's more likely that you're bi - especially if you find yourself thinking about different men. (If it's just one man then it's possibly just one of those "man crush" things, you know?) It's nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't mean you love your girlfriend any less.

You say that you don't think you could be in a relationship with a man and I get two possibilities from that: one, that you are bisexual but you're also heteroromantic, meaning that you can be attracted to guys sexually but not romantically, or, two, because you love your girlfriend so much you couldn't even consider being with anybody else. It's for you to say.

Being cis, I don't know a lot about gender dysphoria and it's probably better that a trans person answers that part, but personally it doesn't sound like you were "meant to be a girl", not unless your body issues are so severe that you find yourself wishing that you had a female body.

Good luck! It's great that you've been brave enough to come here and share your feelings, I really hope we can help.

 

Like Gunsmoke, I don't think I can answer your "meant to be a girl" question, either. I really don't know what gender dysphoria feels like. I will say that to me it doesn't sound like that's the case, though, but if you at least sometimes feel like you wish you were in a female body then I reckon that might be a sign for that.

I do know what it's like to be self-conscious about your body, though, and that's no fun.

Anyway . . . when you think about other penises and dominant males, is it the general idea of them that gets you going, or is it specific people? Above poster also mentioned that, but I view it as so important that I'm going to reiterate it . . . if you're more attracted to the general idea, I wouldn't say that that necessarily means much. I have fantasies about being with other girls, and that might mean that I'm biromantic. Fantasies don't equate to reality, though, so we shouldn't decide our orientations on fantasy alone.

Now, if you are, or if you ever have been, attracted to more dominant guys, then I think that that tells a different story.

 

Were you meant to be a girl? You really haven't said anything that makes me think that. Do you crossdress? If so, how much? How often? If you don't crossdress is it something you''ve thought about? Why did you think about it? Do you like your body as it is now? Hate it? Somewhere in between?

Lots of questions I know, but there is no way to really help you with gender issues without a little more info. Having said that, liking penises doesn't make you female. Plenty of gay men who identify as men like penises and it doesn't mean they feel like a woman inside.

 

Hi. Welcome to EC! Here's my thoughts on your post:

Gay? It's been my experience, personally and through so many gay men here on EC, that most gay people seem to know they feel attraction to their same sex around the time of puberty or before. Only you know if you've ever thought about other boys, like neighborhood friends or other boys at school, even if the focus is specifically the penis. That's totally normal if you do. What do you fantasize about when you masturbate? Do you view porn? Gay porn? These are the types of questions that can help to determine if you are gay.

Bi? The above questions regard half the equation of being bisexual. You say you love your girlfriend, and I'm sure you do. Do you have sex with her? Do you enjoy having sex with her? How often do you initiate having sex with her compared to how often she initiates it? Do you think about vaginas? Breasts? When you think about a girl's genitals, do they give you an erection? Other bisexuals here could probably add better questions.

Were you meant to be a girl? When I first read that sentence in your post I kinda glossed over it and it didn't strike me as being a question you were really serious about, but after reading other comments in this thread, now I'm wondering too if you've had thoughts about feeling like a girl at any time while growing up. If not, I think we might be able to disregard. If so, then others will likely have better advice than me.

I think the only thing that strikes me as pretty certain is that you're not straight. And, hey, congrats and welcome! Recognizing and being willing to admit that you find thoughts of penises and intimacy with a dominant man turn you on, then you certainly seem to be at least gay. Bisexuality usually means that you can have attractions for both your girlfriend and a guy, but perhaps not in the same ways at all times, but needs to include sexual attraction. If you aren't sexually attracted to her, even though you love her, then perhaps you're just gay. The questions about masturbatory fantasies and porn may help here as well. Figuring out the exact nature of your sexuality can take a long time. Mostly because you need experience to help you figure out what you're really attracted to.

If you are determined to stay with your girlfriend, perhaps marry her some day, then please be honest with her about your sexual desires before you do. I'm now coming out after a 20 year marriage with children because I ignored and hid my homosexual desires. You don't want that. Figure out and accept whatever your sexuality happens to be. You were born this way.

Are you just insecure? Perhaps, but it doesn't look like insecurity about your body is causing you to question your sexuality.

 

I have my doubts you think you're a girl. You probably enjoy being submissive, a lot of straight, bi, and gay men do. If the thought of penis turns you on, you very well could be bi or gay. My friends who are truly straight aren't turned on at all by dongs. Hence they're straight.

I'm off to bed, but if you have questions or want to talk further about how you're feeling, write me on my wall.

 

Aww I'm glad that we were able to help you some! Feeling alone is definitely no fun, and it's nice to know that a few answers to your question helped you feel like you weren't alone so much.

I'm agreeing with Guitar, in that you might not necessarily want to be a girl. There are plenty of straight men who cross dress and / or can get off to picturing themselves as women. On the other hand, perhaps you're genderfluid, or both, or maaaybe neither. I wonder, which do you think you would want most: to be viewed as a girl, or to be viewed as a boy? Alternatively, would you want to be viewed as both at the same time?

That's not necessarily an easy question, I know, but it is an important one!

 

So would you say that dressing in women's clothing is a sexual thing? When did you start dressing in women's clothing? What was your first experience with it?

 

I also want to point out, that humans, at our basic nature, are sexual beings. And many people are turned on, by genitalia, and nakedness, regardless of any orientation or gender.

I would say keep your mind and heart open, be respectful of your girl, and take your time figuring this all out!

 

From what it sounds like, you're gay. You think about being dominated by a male whilst being in a relationship with a female. It's going to take some self-reflection and being honest with yourself.


If this helps-- I'm gay and I don't even get turned on by the sight of a penis (at least not yet... idk). So that should give you an indication.

My advice is to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Just be honest with yourself. Because the longer you're like this the longer you are pretty much leading your girlfriend on and the more heartbroken she'll be.