So I realize there are a lot of people posting similar questions and topics but I just need to write out my own story, if only to understand it better myself. I'm a 25 year-old female. I've had very few sexual partners. In high school, I wasn't ready for a full blown romantic or sexual relationship. I was extremely shy about that kind of thing. I kissed lots of people- both girls and boys. I never thought it was unnatural to kiss girls. I wanted to kiss them just as much as I wanted to kiss boys. But I always assumed it was just an experiment. At one point, I ended up getting drunk with two girlfriends. We ended up getting physically intimate with each other but nothing really happened until one of the girls fell asleep. Myself and my other friend kept going. We always claim that we were super-duper drunk but I remember the whole scenario clear as day. At the time, I didn't think what we did would be considered sex because heteronormativity is always the order of the day. In retrospect, I would say she was the first person I ever had sex with. That was pretty much it until my first year of college. I met the guy I'm with now and we've been together ever since. He was the first male I ever had sex with. Besides him, I've only ever had sex with one other guy, which I didn't enjoy at all. Anyways, I have always been fairly open with my boyfriend about my attraction to other women but I've never labeled it. I have said to him that I find other women attractive, that I'd probably enjoy being with another woman sexually, that I would consider a relationship with another woman, etc. But he can be a bit dismissive about this. He seems fine with it but all our conversations are very jokey. He identifies as straight, btw. Because I've only ever been with one other girl I feel like I haven't had the opportunity to explore this side of myself and when I talk about being attracted to girls around my partner or anyone else for that matter I get shut-down a little because they assume I am straight or, at the very least, they assume that I am more attracted to men than women. If I mention that I feel attracted to other girls or would want to have sex with a female celebrity instead of male or whatever it is...they just laugh it off like I didn't even say anything, which makes me feel doubtful. I've always thought of myself as straight and then just completely somehow separated my attraction to women from that. Like it's not real. And I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around whether it is. I have so many other questions but this is getting long. I guess I just feel like an imposter as a straight person and an imposter as a queer person. Help!
I'm not sure how I stumbled on this site or randomly viewed only one single post and then felt compelled to help you, but because of this fate I will give you my time and my experienced advice. First, your thinking too much. Your problems aren't that complex. There's problems, reasons, and solutions and you need to identify them first and foremost, instead of re-writing stories, rethinking it endlessly hour after hour, stewing in bed about it at night, whatever....all that shit is useless, useless noise. You need to listen to those words in your head objectively and find out whats wrong and how to fix it. This can work with all of your problems in life. Let me help you with this one. This is where your problem begins....assuming. There's NOTHING wrong with the first part, it's at the end, when you add the problem. I see a bunch of wants in your first couple sentences, and then a very sad but... This but isn't necessary. Why question something that doesn't need questioning? If you feel fine with it, do it. It's your damn life. DO IT. The fact you remember it clear as day means it was a profound moment in your life. Nobody got upset, hurt, embarrased, ridiculed, etc.... I'm sensing you both had no regrets. In fact, you probably wish you would have just gone full-boar and got it over with. This is lingering with you. You will never just "stop" wondering. It will ALWAYS be there. Remember. You only live once. Just do whatever the fuck you want so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else or yourself... anything. go ahead. Try it. Try not caring what people think. Try doing weird shit that you enjoy. Like wearing pajamas in public or sleeping on the grass in the park, who cares, stop thinking you need to "be normal" or "be a certain way". You don't start a stage in life and then leave it behind. All your stages and experiences in life are published in the same life story at the end. This being said, you don't need to feel like you were "straight" at one point in time and now you've "figured out" your gay, or bisexual. At the very bottom line, you just wanna try fucking another girl. It's hot, it's curious, it's different, it's enjoyable, exciting, memorable and most importantly you kinda just wanna do it So why not? It's simple. You're unsure. You are unsure how you should feel and act How can this be?! It seems so alien, so bizarre. How can you not feel your body and make these basic decisions based on the value it provides you? Well, you can, obviously. And you know you can...you're just...unsure So again...unsure about what?!??!! In gods name, what!??! Your boyfriend thinking badly of you? Embarrassment? People questioning your radical behavior? Change? Well, I've got excellent news for you, don't gotta worry about any of that stuff happening....err, if it does, than it's not a bad thing anyway....for example: If you boyfriend found out you were serious and left you, then better now than 20 years from now. If he can't accept you then why bother...but I'm sure he will be into it, for sure. Or, people looking at u differently or asking u different stuff. Well first of all, your sexual orientation is nobodies business. And even if they find out, big deal. What are they gonna do, nuke the planet with that kind of information? No...not much. Listen, you need to be able to *understand* you body. That is the most valuable life lesson I've ever taken away and it took *way* too long to figure it out...but once you figure it out, you start noticing all kinds of stuff... Shit that you like doing but you supressed because it wasnt cool or something. Fears and guilts and worry start to rise to the surface, you can see them clear as day.... it doesnt take long but once you start paying attention to *how you feel*, these decisions will come extremely easy and intuitively, you won't even have to wonder, or ask anymore, you will know, simply by feeling inside you and understanding what you want most. Nothing else matters. Don't live to please other people, don't even be concerned with what they think of you...in fact, what they think about you *is not your business*, and vise versa. *If it feels good, do it*. That's it. What kind of feeling do you get when you fantasize about it? Does it make you sick and uncomfortable, is it hard to picture, or do you *enjoy imaging these scenarios?* *TLDR* Summarize your story into a few key points. Find out whats bothering you, what will make it better, and if it's possible. In this case, of course. Your only remaining issue is your assertion and communication. You think your a good communicator, in this case, but your not... How do I know this? Because nobody is listening to you the way you want them to.... don't be afraid to *just say stuff*. You dont gotta think about how to say it for days or re-word it or be nervous about asking it. Simply turn to him randomly on the couch one day and just tell him how you feel. I might say something like "Hey, you know how I tease about being with another girl. Well, I actually kind of was....a long time ago...but anyways, what would you think if we considered trying it again?" One last parting message. Don't make yourself crazy with labels. Thought, language, labels, etc... cause massive problems.... just imagine living in a world without language, just smiles and grunts and people doing what they want. There would be no words to consider what is straight, what is gay, bi, where the boundaries are, what it means to be one or the other, etc... That's all made-up mind bullshit. Don't call it anything. Maybe you can rotate straight days with gay days and sprinkle some bi-days in with it.... then you can be straight on thursday and gay on friday....and straight again on thursday.... *or you can just say fuck thinking about all this labelling nonsense and just do what makes you feel warm inside, experiment, live a little, live without regret, always move forward and dont dwell backwards.* Goodluck.
Hmm this reply feels like a bit of a shut down as well. I appreciate your support in saying I'm not weird or abnormal. I realize that. I guess you're right my issue is communicating. But telling me to "just do it" and "not care" or "to identify my problem and solve it" isn't really that helpful. My problems may not be complex in comparison to what others are going through but they feel complex to me. You may not feel that labels are a useful way to process feelings, find community and communicate clearly but maybe they are. I think I came on here because I feel doubtful and confused about my feelings. I feel like I won't have the opportunity to explore with another woman. And so I needed to hear from people who maybe had some unique solutions, supportive advice or maybe went through something similar and could talk to me in a way that perhaps a straight person wouldn't be able to.
Hey cocoyo, With all due respect to solosolo, it's pretty easy to say those things if you already understand and accept your own sexuality. I don't think he was trying to shut you down, but clearly his approach is in-your-face. Try not to let it deter you from interacting with us here on EC, however! What would help get you some discussion and possible answers here would be if you gave us some specific issues or questions that you have in your mind and that you would like the people on this site to try to help you address. You gave us a good backstory, but what are your primary concerns?
Hi welcome! I'm a 24 year old female and I'm from the same province as you so maybe I have some insight with my story. I was always in denial about my sexuality because I never seen lesbians like me. Sure in media and movies but I just assumed I was really open about sex and that's why I kept kissing girls or being with them in high school. Met my husband final year of high school and he was pretty chill aboutbout everything but never let me really open up about my feelings. At that point I felt stupid I liked girls. I mean I'm with a guy does it even matter I tell anyone? Guys would tell him he was lucky cause I would be okay with making out with a girl but in reality I just wanted to be intimate with a girl and personal not just the sex. Fast forward about seven years. I'm miserable, depressed, and I can't stop thinking about having something with a woman not anyone in particular but just in general. Sex life died a long time ago between my husband and I. I just assumed he was depressed assumed stressed at work and I just was never satisfied. Finally I just pulled myself away and we had our row about me. Why I didn't want to kiss him or have him cuddle me or have sex anymore. (At this point I was finishing myself). So I had told him I'm gay. That was it. There was nothing there for men and he was the one guy I could stand being around because he was so chilled and laid back. My point being. People should take you seriously and you shouldn't bottle the feelings. Of you want to talk to a councillor I know a few good ones that helped me depending where you live. I live in the gta/niagara region. What about you? Do you find sex pretty unsatisfying or unappealing? How about being affectionate is that difficult?
Hi cocoyo! I am new here too! Well bisexual here, married, and don't know what I'm f***ing doin' with my life. I came out to two people, first to my very very close friend with whom I was a bit attracted to then we had a fallout(3years ago just before I got married). Second was a few hours ago to my close gay friend who was totally amazing about it, boy that felt good! Anyway, I feel the same as to having no one I could actually discuss these strange feelings I've had towards the same sex. I'm not really afraid of being judged if people found out, just kinda tiring to think my friends would want to ask me about it and of course I'm married so I can't just really conveniently hand out this bomb can I? (Sigh) And for this reason, I actually ended up here reading some forums and to your thread. I thought all along my situation is rare, you know being with a man whilst being a bi. kind of being boxed-in-my-closet feeling and all. Anyway, wish you luck! Feel free to pm me if you want a complete stranger to listen to ya. I'm kinda stuck in the same predicament as yours, thing is I'm just married. Regards, Hushhh
Hi everyone! Thanks for the replies. My main concern is how should I deal with people being dismissive of my sexuality or taking it as a joke/talking to my boyfriend about it? I'd like to be more involved in the LGBTQ community so that part of my sexuality doesn't feel erased and so I can meet with like minded people. But I know that may raise some concerns for my boyfriend. He wouldn't be mean or break up with me I don't think. I just feel like he'd be less confident or maybe feel like he was lacking. How do I reassure him? Finally, we've talked about bringing a girl into the mix previously. But I'm worried that if I do that I might enjoy sex with a woman more... I know that I must sound seriously silly... and people must be thinking so do you even want a boyfriend? I do. I just want to have the chance to know myself a bit better I guess?? Does that make sense or am I just being selfish? When I fantasize about sex it basically never involves men. I only watch girl on girl porn. I find my boyfriend turns me on most of the time (my sex drive is lower than his) but I get a lot more excited if we're talking about women while having sex. Also, I recently shaved my head and my girl friends always make jokes about ppl thinking we are a couple in public. They say I dress like a lesbian (which I realize is stereotyping because obviously all lesbians have their own style and express differently) but I find myself wanting ppl to think that. I'm happy that people think I'm dating girl. At the same time, I've worn my boyfriends clothing with him in public and felt kind of liberated/excited to be dressed that way when I was with him. I guess because my family is conservative and I don't have a whole lot of LGBTQ friends I feel like all these different emotions are overwhelming as I discover this side of myself. It's just nice to talk about it as well as I haven't brought this up with anyone I know and I feel a bit scared to at this stage.
Hi I dont really know if I could be helpful as I myself is in the closet and I intend to keep it that way since I'm in a relationship. I'm not judging what you're doing and thinking, your urges and all because it's a part of you. But I guess as long as you stay fair to your bf, consider his feelings about your present uhmmm let's say latest discoveries about yourself, then maybe you could be on the right track. Again i have no experience on this area sorry for not being helpful. So Goodluck and hope you figure things out soon!
Hey Ive been there and it's pretty scary. I was afraid when I slowly realized things. It's good that you're talking it helps process your thinking. Keep doing it. None of our answers will be perfect but we try. If you want to bring another girl into the mix please communocste openly to him. It's critical and it's a must. Can lead to some interesting things or it might lead to nothing. Does it sound selfish? Yes but that's a good thing. It's good to be selfish sometimes maybe not all the time about everything but you should be comfortable with your body and your sexuality. Everyone has a right to thst. Just keep the channels open with your partner. It will do more good in the long run.
Thanks Linkmaste994. That's actually really helpful and I'm beginning to feel more confident about talking to him a bit more openly about all of this. I am kind of brainstorming ways to bring it up. Cheers!
