BACKGROUND: If I look at my life objectively, I literally cannot deny that I have been interested in guys. I feel like my life up until 17, purely theoretically because I was a loser, added up to a Kinsey 2. So when I opened up to bisexuality around 17, although I was feeling more strongly more girls, bi seemed reasonable. But now ever since I opened that box, I have fallen head over heals for girls and all my interest in guys seems sort of insignificant. I have lost interest. And also I have finally kissed both. All sort of drunk. 3 guys and 1 girl. Every guy, even the ones I talked to, ones that I wouldn't have regretted or anything made me feel sort of empty and disgusted. And this one girl, was instantly great. And that makes sense as to how I feel now, but I can't suddenly become a lesbian? So I think let's chill out and go to university and I'll meet people and I'll have more real experiences and understand. MAIN STORY: Now, at uni, I've met this cool DJ dude. I found him really interesting to talk to about music and hes really sweet to me. He tried to romance me with like a playlist of romantic rnb after a flat party I had (like innocently he wasn't trying to get me in bed). He took me in as his date to the big uni party he was DJing at (amongst 20 other DJs and live acts) that I lost my ticket for. Last night he came and brought me lemons and ginger in the middle of the night because I am sick. But omg I cannot deal with this. He's perfectly good looking and nice and very interesting but I don't think I want this. I mean, I was hoping something nice like this would happen and I could be like, okay yes I'm still bi, but really all I ever want to do when he does this stuff is laugh or escape. I mean maybe it's just cos hes a bit intense, and also because I get the feeling Hes a bit full of himself, even though hes lovely to me or even I'm just too immature with these things because I have never experienced anyone wanting me like this before But I dunno it just brings back this debate within myself I tried to leave behind. I really need to act though. I cannot lead him on like this I mean he literally came in the middle of the night to bring me lemons and hug me longingly and stare into my eyes in this sort of sad puppy way. I am probably gonna hurt him if I don't do something quickly (but I've only known the guy two weeks?!!!). What on earth can I do, I don't know what I think about it myself....
I think you could be gay rather than bi (my impression, I'm not saying it's true). From personal experience, I'd say girls can be surprisingly clueless when it comes to their sexual orientation. Take me for example, I never really considered myself straight but it didn't cross my mind that I could be gay. Which is hilarious, seeing how I've been imagining my future with a girl since I was like 10. As for this guy, it sounds like you like him but if you're not sure then maybe it'd be better if you stayed friends? At least for now. It's never a good idea to pressure yourself into doing something you're not sure you want. I mean, I don't know you, so it's a bit difficult to judge but you seem to like him strictly platonically. I know it can be extremely confusing. I thought I had a crush on that one guy but when he asked me to go out with him I just kind of freaked out. But with my guy friends, I flirt with them, sit on their laps, kind of 'fool around' with one of them (like sometimes he puts his hands under my shirt, etc.). I enjoy it because it's fun but other than that I'm mostly apathetic, ie. I don't feel turned on. Plus, I don't know if it's the same for you, but I like it when people are attracted to me (free confidence boost, what's not to like about that?) and sometimes I unwittingly lead them on and then wonder if I like them (the answer 9 out of 10 times is no). So I'd say you should just do what you actually want and not what you think you should want because you feel like you owe something to somebody. As for your sexuality, you don't have to label yourself right now. But if bi feels right, go with it. Though, I get the impression that it doesn't feel right. Also, remember that sexual orientation can change over time (especially for women).
Thank you so much for the long reply! Bi doesn't feel right really no, it just feels correct. Like I can't be anything other than bi. But really I would rather call myself gay. I don't think I have a crush on this guy I was just really enjoying talking to him cos hes interesting and cool but I thought we were mates you know? Suddenly he has like fallen in deep haha. I definitely am just sort excitable and teasing with everyone and I guess that ends up being sort of flirty. Guys probably see it that way. To a certain extent I find it sort of funny but slowly I am not finding it funny because I really don't want to do anything with them and now suddenly I have this one that won't let go. I mean I do get sort of aroused by some actions with guys as we discussed. But like... No I just don't actually want them. And then if a guy kisses me it's just awful. Definitely all a confidence boost though yes, I feel like a sexy beast. Everyone I tell about this situation is like "omg wow he sounds so sweet" and I feel weirdly guilty that it just freaks me out so much and like I just cannot see it as a good thing. You're right I shouldn't feel obliged to feel any way, and I should probably try and explain to him that I really don't like him like that. I've just been sort of laughing it off and then now I'm thinking I should wait to see if it eventually sparks some reaction in me but that's sort of absurd, isn't it. Yeah, I was planning to give up this labeling game until this started happening and it brought it all back. Yes, I don't need to get hung up on labels I know. Thanks for the reply, thats actually quite helpful x
No problem. Glad I could help Yeah, actually I do know. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt :icon_wink As for flirting with guys, with friends I know I can take it ridiculously far and it won't mean anything. Like we could probably make out (I'd rather not though but who knows :icon_bigg) and think nothing of it. But with guys that don't know me well, I have to watch myself so that they don't think I'm actually into them. That one guy I said I had a crush on, my mom knows him (not personally but we're in the same class so she knows who he is) and she couldn't understand why I would turn him down. I can't say I felt guilty though, more like annoyed. But it was back when I thought I was bi so it was even more frustrating not being able to pinpoint the reason why I seemed unable to be in a relationship. I thought I was afraid of commitment. But because of my best friend (who's a girl), I knew that it wasn't the problem. It was kind of a relief to finally figure it out :lol: As for that guy, we're close friends now and it's more than great. So it's not like it was him I had something against. But I think if you explain to him the situation, he'd understand. Although, if he's in love with you, it might take him a while to really come to terms with it.
When it comes to bisexuality, types of attraction towards different sexes often vary. It's possible to feel sexual attraction towards one gender but not romantic attraction, and vice-versa. For example, my attraction towards girls is VERY different from my attraction towards guys. It could be that you simply don't feel romantic attraction towards guys; that wouldn't mean you're not bisexual. Of course, if you would feel more comfortable calling yourself a lesbian then go ahead, they're only labels.
''but I don't think I want this'' If you don't think you want this, then you probably don't want this. If you are not comfortable in any kind of way, it'll probably never go away. Maybe fluctuating, but always present. But it seems like you already got it figured out, still I wanted to reply to you SHACH
My problem is now, how do I talk to him about this? I have no idea how to do this. I have never even had someone be interested in me before so this whole thing is alien to me. Also I watched this video by Ari Fitz, this awesome queer fashion youtuber and she said that 100%considered herself straight until college and now she exclusively dates girls. Not in a denial way like it just didn't pop into her mind. I find that amazing and just perfect like that's a bit how I feel. Like it totally popped into my mind sure but not enough for me to think about it seriously. Just literally a passing thought. And I mean like I can count the amount of times over my lifetime until 16 on one hand (then it popped a fair few more times leading up to my 17yo awakening haha) I found that really good to hear from her she sort of explains that from about 7 mins here, but there was another video I watched too but whatever https://youtu.be/BJfRgEzQi-A
The problem you're having is one that so many people have, whether they're gay, straight, bi or any sexuality. Although it may be tough for the DJ guy, all you've got to do is tell him that you're not interested in him. You don't even need to bring up sexuality if you don't want to; just tell him that you like him as a friend and you don't wish to go any further than that. This is the best option, the other one being to lead him on on something that isn't real, all while you feel guilty and uncomfortable about it.
I agree that you don't have to bring up your sexuality here. You're not attracted on the guy. Period. So you have to tell him that. Just tell him in plain words. The earlier the better.
pH yeah I'm not planning to like come out to him. This is just also something I'm thinking about currently. But yeah I have to turn him down. I just don't get how to do this but I guess maybe im just being a coward.
All you've got to do is tell him, that's all you can do really. Like I said before: tell him that, although you like him as a friend, you're not interested in pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship. But you've got to be CLEAR, don't give any room for him to misinterpret what you're trying to say. Whether you tell him sooner or later, he'll likely pick up on your lack of enthusiasm if he hasn't already, so it's best to tell him now while your relationship isn't anything big.
