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Long story

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mihael, Oct 9, 2016.

  1. Mihael

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    Okey, so I'm posting here again. Namely, my orientation confuses me.

    What I know. I dated with guys, and I happened to fall in love crazy with them. Just for some reason, I'm bad with feelings, I don't understand feelings. And I don't know why, I seem to have trouble bonding. I'm a nerd. Yes. I am. It has to play a part in it.

    So I don't know. Let this post/thread be a bunch of my general doubts about love in general. Okey? Not only orientation-related, because it all is interwoven.

    Unfortunately, my mom seems asexual so I can't count on any understanding on her part. She told me she she never desired a man. Or a woman. She doesn't know what I mean by desiring someone. Finding someone hot. I don't have any other relatives to talk about relationships. I don't make good friends easily. The only friend I could talk about it only told me I'm perverted to desire men. She's demisexual, I think.

    Hence, I'm clueless on what I'm feeling in the love aspect. Which hints on gender. I think, from loose descriptions, that I might work more like a man in this aspect. Whatever that means. I think it means that I can desire someone sexually, and not like them as a person and vice versa. And I'm very, very visual. In my opinion, people like my best friend and my mom confuse two very different things, namely liking and desiring. Also, I know if I am into someone when I first see them and it doesn't change in like 99% cases. I mean, sorry, it's not that I'm some sort of bigot, if I don't feel attracted, then I don't, the best personality doesn't fix it. Simple as the built of a hammer. The truth is brutal. Yet most people I talked to don't get it.

    The thing with women is confusing. I know that:
    1. On average, I find women more visually attractive, and more men repulsive
    2. The smell of some young men makes me fall hard for them, and makes me horny
    3. I would make out with both, I mean, I don't see why not
    4. I might be insensitive to some nuances, I always thought that if I look at someone, think "hm, attractive" and my bits grow 2 times suddenly, it means I'm into them sexually, especially as I don't really separate sex frm arousal in my head. It's hard to separate the sex out, unfortunately it's always on my mind, and I'm just horny all the time ever since I hit 11 years old, and even more so since my 16th birthday, when I simply started to be frustrated, and recently it's reaching the boundary of being in any manner bearable
    5. I can fall for men, and crushed on a woman once or twice, though with much less intensity

    Okey. Judge me, but I dated one guy recently only to get to his pants. I hoped for friends with benefits. No, I didn't get to his pants, nor did I pressure the guy. He's cool, I liked him, I found him attractive. I managed to check that he's not up for that, and never said I wanted anything more, like a real committed relationship. We no longer meet. I'm sorry, but horniness interferes with my ability to think and work, there needs to be some reasonable cure for it.

    Which only induces in my head this old warning "Don't be with a guy who wants to be only for sex with you". Oh irony!

    The strange thing is that I was into this guy, and I liked him too, and everything was seemingly fine, we seemed to get on. The dates had a very much... courting dynamic, if I may say so. I thought it was progressing to something. Usually, at that stage, some action would be happening. Any normal dude would want to hug, kiss, hold my hand. It seemed like dates. But nothing happened. He one day said we could watch some netflix only us two at his place, but he said it so coldly that I, the insanely horny one, refused.

    I have had such an offer before, but he was my friend's crush and the situation was complicated, so I refused too, but if not for that, I would demand a sleepover, condoms and would agree. It would be a fair deal. Hopefully, it could make more constant friends with benefits if the hookup was nice, not filthy and painful. So now, that makes me apparently a whore.

    Or I just have a strange, prudish environment that thinks sex before marriage is a sin and women are asexual.

    Anyway, the dude I dated, I just felt how I didn't turn him on, or he might have just been extremely awkward. He was also a liar. When he disliked something, he didn't tell me that, and I wouldn't get offended if he told me what was wrong. We would just quarrel. But he didn't. Moreover, he changed into a completely different person to me. He was a different person when we just met, and to his friends, and to me, he was different. I liked this asshole he was to begin with, and he transformed into someone so cold and meek. Everything was "right" and "fine", and it made me want to cry. I wonder if he wasn't gay. He seemed so artificial in the contact with me, and had such genuine feelings for one of his friends, and talked with him dirty. I won't hide. I was jealous as f***. I almost bet both of them up. His friend was much older, not family, not someone brought from home town, and they had so much affection for each other. But maybe I'm just imagining this.

    Anyway, I started to wonder if I'm not a lesbian, because I'm confused about my sexuality a lot. It was like. I dated him, fell for him a bit, but at the same time, he offered sex, and I crushed on ... a girl :confused: What was between us was just a couple of touches and affectionate staring. I blushed every time I met her. But from then on, my attraction to men keeps on getting weaker, I don't know why, I just walk in the street, and look at men, and they seem so random, and women are attractive. So in a couple of months I turned from like Kinsey 1/2 to 4/5. And I keep on wondering how it was to begin with... If I didn't misinterpret something.

    Thoughts? Someone relates?
     
  2. SkyWinter

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    You seem to be saying you find men and women attractive but just in different ways. Women are more visually hot, and the scent of a man turns you on. You would make out with both.

    I'm also bisexual, so I can relate a bit to what you are saying. Women are more appealing visually, but sometimes I just want to be with a guy even if they aren't knocking my socks off visually.

    Why do you think you can't form a bond with anyone? Even if it is just a guess, can you think of what could be preventing that? Do you think it is affecting your sexuality?
     
  3. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    Maybe it's because of your identity...
    (talking about myself like a narcissist here): I'm bi , divided equally between both sexes/genders/ whatever rainbow unicorns, yet I am much more likely to fall for a woman because it's hard for me to be "someone's girl" if you get what I mean. So I'm less crushing on boys because that's how some treat me...it's not a bad thing and actually kind of nice it's just nothing I could do in a relationship.
    Maybe it's the same for you.
     
  4. Mihael

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    I think I'm an oddball. I'm just an extremely original person -_- It doesn't help that I'm introverted, and often impersonal. And I might lack some very basic social skills as well. Everyone always told me I'm socially awkward, because I'm a nerd :roll: Although I don't know how much truth is in that. I have trouble fitting in / relating to others. I'm working on it, like on not losing touch with people, and remembering about birthdays, and not being afraid of them...

    Yeah, I get what you mean. I hate that too. I like men, and can be with a man, but if it's a the stereotypical straight relationship that is shown in the movies, then I just feel ... awkward, bad, uncomfortable, I just hate it. It doesn't stop me from fiding men attractive, though.

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2016 at 02:09 AM ----------

    I think I can connect with people, but it's rather either impersonal or connected, for me, while many people seem to interact in some eintermediate mode only. Like... have "fun" and are loud and talkative, and emotional, but it's not too deep.
     
  5. SkyWinter

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    Being a nerd doesn't prevent you from forming a bond with another person. Nor does being anti-social if you are being "anti" towards toxic people.

    Maybe you just haven't found someone worth connecting with?