I'll just get this out of the way, I've never had sex, because I've never wanted to. I thought eventually I'd meet some boy and fall in love, and it never happened. As a child, I felt tomboyish, but the biggest issue is that I was, and still am, orca fat. Like, 90+ pounds in Kindergatren, 209, 5th grade, eventually topping out at 340. I'm 280 now. I've just never felt anything for anyone, it just was never an issue, like someone who says they've never ridden a bike... it just never happened, and it still doesnt seem like a big deal, to have never even been kissed, but at the same time, I'm ashamed of this fact, and I basically hide from everyone in my room, because I don't feel like I can really have "adult" friends without either lying about dating, or worse, telling the truth and have them try and change me. I don't like being in bed all day, but at the same time, I'm prone to hiding because I'm so obese. I went to Paris, and I only went to grocery stores and laid about watching American TV. for 2 months. Seriously. I have a thyroid condition, apparently it's the reason i'm so fat, and how I gained so much weight as a child, and then just stuck there, so I really thought my lack of interest in men was because of that. Hormonally, puberty just didn't happen for me save for my period, I've never had any romantic feelings for any guy AT ALL, save for my imaginary crush on a grunge rocker... In real life though? Even if they seem friendly, nothing. It's like I want to be left alone, but I wish I'd had sex years ago so I could say that I'd done it and not feel so embarrassed. But, here's the thing, while in Paris I glanced at a woman's butt and I heard a voice say "you're not supposed to be looking at that" and I realized I've heard that voice, or had that thought all of my life. So then I just decided to look at her anyway, and then I looked away, and then I looked at her butt again. No thoughts, but it felt like some part of me wanted to stare at her. I've never had any feelings for any woman (save for a certain foreign pop star) but I'm starting to think I'm just repressed. It feels almost as though as soon as I realized I was asexual, some part of me wanted to fight that... So I tried watching lesbian porn, but I found myself bored and looking for stretch marks and cellulite, but I feel empty. I feel lonely. I feel there's no way to meet people, I don't want anyone to know I'm unexperienced, and I absolutely hate my body. Therapy is indicated, but frankly Im too embarrassed to go in and talk about these things, because I feel like being huge is such a roadblock, it feels like "lose weight, then date someone" but I never try to lose weight because I can't make myself do anything. When I was four years old I used to fool around with a girl down the street, like we'd take off our bottoms and grind on each other. I don't know how or why it started, but I felt like I used to be sexual as a child, and it slowly faded away. What actually happened is that I found an adult porn book at age 5, started reading it on the daily, and I'm wondering if I didn't learn to sublimate my actual sexuality for a more intellectualized one. I still prefer "dirty stories" to videos. The grunge rocker crush feels like faking something, but it's the crush on the pop star (female) that has me concerned... I feel like if I met her I would throw myself at her. but at the same time, watching actual videos of her leaves me empty, just like with the grunge guy. between the toddler humping, repressing behavior, and the pop star, I'm starting to wonder if I've just always been a deeply closeted lesbian. My feelings toward men are becoming more "ugh, I don't even want to think about that" but I also feel like to have "sex" would have to be with a man. However, I did some test about sexuality, and they asked if I was in a public shower, and someone got in with me, would I prefer it to be a girl, or boy, and i realized I'm kind of scared of men, or that's my reasoning, so I realized I'd prefer a woman in this shower scenario. But again, I've never been attracted to a woman, I don't know what people think of when they see a "hot" girl. I just think "oh she's pretty" so I dont know.. There are even more stressful issues in my life, and I've just kind of crawled into bed for the past months, thinking about everything, and it's weird because some part of me seems to think I'm a lesbian, but there's no part of me that wants anyone sexually. I realized what I'd like to do is go back to Paris and just sit in my apartment until I die, and I'm not sure what's going on, aside from obvious depression... I'm uninterested in sex/people like an asexual, but it feels like there's some part of me that's gay AF, and hiding. I am just not going to go to some club looking like someone's lumpy grandmother and try and hook up, I just can't. any other way to figure out what's going on with me? I could be an asexual lesbian, I suppose...but I think if i could wave a wand over my body issues, I'd probably start going after women. help me understand who I am...
Well of course you're the only person who gets to decide your sexual orientation and what kind of relationships you want (and with whom). I'm just going to share some parts of my story to see if it resonates. There is a tendency in asexual spaces to describe attraction as seeing a hot person walking somewhere and then having "sexy thoughts" about that person. This can be certainly true for how attraction work for some people, but it is very limiting. I also don't really think of people as "hot" (I dislike the word) and I don't have sexual fantasies about people I see walking across the street. Lesbian porn does nothing for me. My attraction to women seemed at first more focused on aesthetics, forming deep friendships, etc. However, one day I noticed - a bit like you - that I was subconsciously checking other women out (quick glances at their bodies, checking out cleavage/boobs, etc). I also didn't have many "sexy" thoughts about it, but the fact that my eyes are drawn there indicates attraction. When I opened more up to the possibility of being a lesbian and started calling myself secretely a lesbian, I slowly became aware of more/deeper attractions that were somewhere at the back of my mind but never got a chance to fully manifest. What I would also suggest is that you work on your mental health and self-esteem. Have you ever considered therapy? Because you deserve to be happy and love the person you are! Besides, it can be very difficult to figure out your orientation/attraction when you're depressed (because depression can numb and repress emotions, including romantic and sexual feeling, and makes you less open to other people in your life - I have been there).
In my opinion, sexual attraction is sexual desires toward a specific gender. Now, keep in mind that this does NOT mean that you automatically see a "hot" person and choose to have sex with them. Some non-asexuals don't like casual sex, and some non-asexuals prefer personality over looks. But being non-asexual means you desire sex to some degree. I'm a lesbian. I don't find random strangers 'hot'. I focus more on personality aspects. Do we have shared interests, values, morals? Does she make me feel comfortable and loved? Well, then I can feel sexual attraction. I don't do casual sex, but I can desire and enjoy sex, can find a partner sexy as hell and want to bang them in relationships. I can feel aesthetic attraction, but It's personality that really makes a person attractive to me. On the other hand, some non-asexuals DON'T want sex because they are scared of sex, were abused, choose to be celibate, and simply for other reasons. However, they would still have sexual DESIRES deep down that they have to learn to repress. An asexual on the other hand would have no desires toward people, so choosing celibacy means they aren't repressing any urges for people since they don't have them. Sexual behavior is not sexual attraction or desire either. If an asexual has sex with a partner to compromise, that's not sexual attraction. That would be like if I had no interest in sports, but chose to go to a ballgame because I knew my partner loved it. I might enjoy being there because I enjoy my partner being pleased and seeing the smile on her face. But since I have no interest in sports, I would never desire to see a sports game for any other reason than that. However, if I did desire to keep going back to sports games for my own benefit, that indicates interest in sports to some extent. I agree with the above poster. Some asexuals have a completely wrong definition of sexuality, and it can go on the offensive side at some point. Sexuality is about feeling sexual desires toward people. That's it. It's not about casual sex, finding strangers sexy, or any of that. It's just feeling sexual desire toward people. It sounds like you very well could be a lesbian because I see hints of sexual desire in your post. The problem is that if you're depressed, you don't feel a sex drive or interest in sex. So you have to get rid of that in order to know what your sexuality is.
First of all, welcome to EC. I'm glad you came here for help because this is a really supportive community and we'll do out best to help you out. Well done for reaching out and putting do much effort into that post. In your case, I think that trying to figure out your sexuality is the wrong thing to be doing. Being unhealthy and feeling low can really really kill your sex drive. I would focus on building your self esteem up and taking on the challenge of loosing weight. I imagine that would be really really hard if you've been quite overweight all your life, but it will help you in every way. We all have some huge insurmountable-seeming challenges in life, and the process of overcoming them may seem horrifically painful but in the end the outcome will transform your life and the process will be way better and more fulfilling than staying in this place where you feel down and alone and unable to even understand yourself. So motivating yourself should firstly be something you try to do to yourself every day. Although tiresome, try and challenge your negative thoughts. Thats a start. But next I think it would be really wise to get both a therapist and a trainer. So when the therapist tells you its best to loose weight, the trainer will make you do it. Keep you on a programme and all. Thats probably all quite expensive, but it's pretty much an investment, like university or something - it will result in you being happier, healthier, more able to do a grester variety of jobs, more confident etc. All those things are vital for making a life worth living. Thats what you need to think about, if you feel depressed and that your life is not worthwhile ask yourself, "how can I make it worthwhile" and realise that now you know the answer, the effort is 120% worth it to fill that void. Hopefully it's at least somewhat readable for you to go about this plan - I know a guy who got a trainer when he began going to the gym for the first time and he doesn't have a lot of money so I'm imagining it can be done. Basically you need to refocus. You're not getting anywhere thinking about your sexuality like this because far bigger issues in your life are overshadowing it. Pour all your willpower into fixing the big things. Thats the only possible course of action. I know I was really holding myself back musing about my sexuality all the time. I realised there was just no way of me knowing till I sorted myself out as a person. I'm still working on it. Its a journey. Good luck.
