Confused as fuck, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me

Jdawg007,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through and that you don’t have someone close to you to talk this stuff over with. Have you considered finding a therapist – or specifically, a sex therapist?

I’m certainly not a therapist, but it sounds to me like - between the accident that affected your penis and the drug usage – you might have developed a fear of intimacy with women because you fear rejection as a result of your injury. And maybe there is some potential performance anxiety added in there? Being comfortable in the company of men would make total sense to me – you have no issues with being rejected by them because of your injury nor potential performance anxiety because you aren’t going to be intimate with them.

Nothing you describe sounds like you have the slightest homosexual tendencies - just shame about your injury and fear of intimacy with women associated with it, which may have been reinforced by your unfortunate use of drugs that messed with your mind.

I don’t know if that helps…

 

Same here. Can't see homosexuality here. Talk to the therapist.

 

First, let me apologize if I get off track and start to ramble. While this isn't a personal therapy forum, we are more than happy to help people if they come here opening up about their struggles.

I have not tried acid myself, but I am a recovering addict so when you described the feelings that you experienced afterwards I was immediately reminded of every time that I used and began to come down. I would become extremely depressed, lash out at anyone near me, and it has only fueled my anxiety and self esteem issues. I also compare myself to people in passing, and have been working for a long time to change that. Everyone is unique, and beautiful in their own way.

I was diagnosed with HIV three years ago, so while I have not had a similar accident to what happened to you, I understand entirely about being afraid to pursue a relationship because of fear of intimacy. In the beginning, I became increasingly depressed and withdrawn because I encountered many less than pleasant reactions about my status at such a young age. I almost tried taking my life after a short period of time.

As time has gone on, I have realized that the best way to overcome this fear of intimacy is to first become comfortable with myself. The problems started with me, because I internalized the judgment that I had faced. I was disgusting, who would want to touch me, etc. I know this is easier said than done, but for me seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist has been a huge help for me.

As for the attraction to guys, I don't see any indication either that it would lead to homosexual tendencies. I have known that I was gay since 13 (coming up on 10 years), have tried to kiss a female, and it did absolutely nothing for me. I have seen women naked, and it does nothing for me sexually. However, I can appreciate the features of a woman that would be considered attractive. Having been through many self esteem issues about my body when I was younger, I feel that I developed this as a way to become more comfortable with my own body.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing all of this, I hope that something that we say can be of help in any way, and just know that we are here if you need to get your thoughts out there and talk it out with someone. This is a support area, and we will do our best to continue that support

 

First off brother...you have personally observed and documented the negative effects of the acid...my first suggestion would be to get that out of your life. Second, Google "sexual performance anxiety." I went through it when I was still having sex with women. She came over one night all horned up, we got started, and all of a sudden I couldn't get hard for anything. This led to similiar events happening for over a year because I'd start thinking about it and wondering if I'd be able to "perform." It took a lot of self reflection for me to get over it and I'm still not completely there. In fact, if it's not completely spontaneous sex...if they try to hint or even say they wanna fuck later...I start feeling it all over again. This is something you may want to reach out for professional help for. Sex is an important part of our psyche. I really hate to hear of everything you've gone through. It will be much better if you find that one person that you connect to on a higher level. Lay everything on the table. Ask them for help. If they love you...they will. I promise, it does get better though. Stop degrading yourself. We all have something special to offer...including you. You're well on your way to getting ahead of this thing. The courage you showed by even posting this says that. It sounds corny but download "Man in the mirror" by Michael Jackson...LISTEN TO the words. Whatever you do, know you're not alone in this...just be willing to reach out for the help.

I'm from the country. A couple years ago, I was driving across a field to my deer stand and my truck tires had entered some old mud ruts. It got me to thinking...life is a lot like those ruts. You can take your hands off the wheel and your truck (life) will stay in them, driving along but you can only go where they go. It's only by taking control of the wheel (life) and fighting your way out of the ruts...will you be free to go where you want.

I hope this helps a little man. You're not alone out there. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up.