1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to stop being depressed

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Rdougall1, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. Rdougall1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2016
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Connecticut
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey guys,

    My name is Rory and I recently accepted myself as gay about eight months ago. I thought I was bi but I realize now that I was in the bargaining stage in accepting myself. I now have a boyfriend who I am truly in love with and am emotionally invested in, much more than a girlfriend I had three years ago. I feel like I am in the "depression" phase now and it feels like it will never end. I just do not want to question myself anymore and I feel frustrated because I know who I sleep with is a small part of me but society and Catholicism has caused me some shame. I know that I belong with a man and it would be unfair for me to marry a girl because I would not be able to truly love her. I'm not your stereotypical gay guy so I think that has something to do with it. I also feel "less of a man" because I like guys only which sounds stupid but I think that is the result of a heterosexist society. Sorry to vent but do you have any advice on how I can move on?

    Thanks

    Rory

    ---------- Post added 14th Oct 2016 at 03:56 PM ----------

    OP here: Deep down, I know that he is the right one but for some reason I can't get over this
     
  2. MauMacri

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Buenos Aires
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I don't get if you're happy with him or not
     
  3. Rdougall1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2016
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Connecticut
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What do you mean?
     
  4. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Don't get caught up in the phases of acceptance. It's actually much easier to identify them afterwards. Just because the "phases" say that depression stage follows bargaining doesn't mean it always does or even necessarily that all stages are represented. Are you thinking you're in depression stage because you are supposed to be or do you actually see depression in your thinking or emotional state?

    You say you are in love and emotionally invested in your boyfriend, so I'm not sure we understand what the depression is about and what support you are looking for. Can you explain more about what the issue is for you now?
     
  5. Rdougall1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2016
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Connecticut
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Like I feel truly in love with my boyfriend however it has been ingrained in me since I was little that boys like girls and vice versa. I just feel a little bit of guilt that I did not make the straight path and it makes me feel like a "girl" because I like guys (no offense). For example, a lot of the songs on the radio are heteronormative and I can identify with the man but I like guys. What makes me think that I am depressed is that I feel down still that I will not get the same privileges of not causing a scene and stuff like that. I have no interest in a straight relationship but I think it will just take time. I just want to get to a point to where I view being gay as part of me, not all of me
     
  6. MauMacri

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Buenos Aires
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    That may be something to work in your psychological system, but there are a few things that pop up in my mind to start changing in your inmediate environment: Maybe the stuff you read and see about homosexuality appraches homosexuality in an isolated form (that happens when you read or watch coming out stories and the likes), and that shapes the way you think about it, the things your brain inmediately links to it. It's isolated.

    Yesterday I recommended Making Love (1982) to a married guy coming out, and it could be good for you too. There must be other interesting films out there that depict the subject within the life of a person, and show other things and emotions (work success, etc... the characters are human.. look for it in the movies you watch, start paying attention and expanding your experience)

    Neil Patrick Harris is a guy who happens to be gay but his figure is not associated to his sexuality most of the time. He's an actor, he played the role of a womanizer executive in How I Met..

    Mmm... idk.. Alan Turing, great scientist. Lots of Metal musicians are gay but they and their fans don't make a big deal of it. And so on.

    Look for gay role models in any field you're interested, do you have any? Sciences, arts, music.

    Google books on accepting yourself as a gay man, or better: books about personal growth. Maybe your life lacks meaning, a direction (and you must find/establish one).
     
  7. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This doesn't sound stupid at all, and I now understand more about your first post because of your second one, so thanks for clarifying.

    By not being the stereotypical gay guy, I'm assuming you mean that you are more masculine. You feel like a guy, and strongly identify with being a guy. But then it seems like a conflict that you're attracted to a guy, so that sorta makes you think that you're supposed to be the "girl" like you've been taught all your life is what's normal.

    I do understand these thoughts and feelings. It's normal that you are having lots of these conflicting feelings after coming out to yourself. One of the things I did when I was closeted is that I worked hard to suppress my gay side, to remove anything in my personality and behavior that I thought someone might perceive as gay. After many years of this behavior, I'm now having to unlearn these behavior patterns and being allowing the real me to emerge. I'm not suppressing my personality, though it is a slow process. It's even more difficult if you're still in the closet to some people in your life. Whenever you are around people you are not out to, you suppress yourself again, and so now you're suppressing sometimes and allowing yourself to be the real you at other times.

    Some of the things I suppressed are the parts of me that are the more "stereotypical" parts of my personality. They are the parts of me that are softer, more feminine, more romantic. They're the girly parts of me because they express a more feminine side of me. I am now 4 months out of the closet and I'm just starting to see some of the feminine parts of me beginning to emerge. I suspect it will continue to grow as time goes on.

    I don't know if my descriptions here seem to connect with you, so let me know if I'm off base here. Are the "girly" feelings like I described?
     
  8. Rdougall1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2016
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Connecticut
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    These are exactly the way that I feel to a tee. I also have been asked by girls to go shopping and other stuff like that. I like have two pairs of sneakers that are very old and I am the least person you would expect to be gay. I truly love my boyfriend and I feel like he is the one for me but I still have these conflicting feelings that you have described that I would like to resolve so that I can focus on other things and really connect to him without feeling shame for lack of better word. Thank you for assisting me.

    ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2016 at 10:53 AM ----------

    Thank you I am really interested in social justice and I am currently studying to become a social worker when I graduate. I'll see if there are any important leaders in the gay rights movement. I'm also going to try to google some books on accepting myself. I'm reading a book called "Queer Crips" which is an anthology of disabled gay men and their stories which is helping me in the identity process.

    Thank you for the movie suggestion, I'll see if it is available.
     
  9. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As you continue to shed your hetero identity and allow your natural personality to emerge, it will become easier to accept those parts of you that feel more feminine. I think right now you're just fighting it and continuing to suppress those parts of you. Totally normal. Don't worry, I think it just happens naturally, but it would help to stop fighting it and then feeling bad about it. True acceptance means accepting your natural personality too - girly parts and all. You are who you are and your boyfriend digs you, so you clearly are on the right track. Just be gentle on yourself. It will come.