Can you identify as bisexual if you’ve never had a crush on a guy?

Warning: long post incoming.

So lately I’ve found it hard to find a label that fits. Right now, I feel like my sexuality is a bit like my hair (between two points, in my case between wavy and curly) although to put that in orientation terms- between gay and bisexual.

Recently I’ve been starting to realise that perhaps I’m not as gay as I once thought I was. I know I like women, but I’m not sure about men. There have been times where I’ve found men attractive, yet so far I’ve never really had a proper crush on one. I’ve never known a guy I know IRL that I’ve wanted to kiss, but I have known women I know IRL that I have wanted to kiss.

But it’s different with celebrities. I made a thread not that long ago about finding a male celebrity attractive when I was on my period. The odd thing about that case was that when I came off my period I lost my attraction to him. It was almost like some kind of fluke, so at the time I dismissed it.

Spoiler

However, when I came across a thread about mental VS physical arousal, it made me think about that incident. I wondered if it was possible to feel something on my period, that maybe it’d be possible to feel such a feeling again. It made me wonder if I was bi.

These days I’m back to questioning again, which is unfortunate seeing as how I’ve previously come out to others as a lesbian and now I don’t even know if I’m actually a lesbian after all. To add to the complications, a friend of mine keeps referring to me as 95% gay, 5% straight, and it’s interesting because I know guys who identify as straight yet say they’re 80% straight, and 20% gay.

I don’t know what to think anymore. Questioning isn’t fun, I just wish I knew. These days I find myself questioning how I feel about shirtless guys. I know when I first started puberty I didn’t hold much interest in them, and when I started forming crushes on girls it certainly seemed like I was gay. I started feeling romantically towards girls from age 11, although I only really started to become physically/sexually interested in them around 14/15 years old, at least I certainly noticed women a lot more at that point anyway.

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Funny story actually, when I first started puberty and started seeing shirtless guys on TV in adverts, I originally thought that these men with abs were just anorexic. I thought that their bodies were deflating inwards, and I thought they were like the people I had seen with eating disorders on TV shows so one time I yelled “ew” because I was used to hearing people react the same to the people with serious eating disorders. My mum looked at me in confusion, and questioned me about it.

That was the first time I’d seen guys like that, all overly sexualised- so I just assumed that they had some kind of condition. I thought that my mum was expecting that response, hence why I said that. Now I’m not saying it’s acceptable to mock people with extreme weight loss and eating disorders, but I was just so used to seeing people react that way I thought that it was expected of me to do the same.

I never really questioned my lack of attraction to men back then, as I just thought it made me somehow better than the other girls. I was taught from a very early age that finding someone physically attractive is always a bad and lustful thing to do. Especially if you felt that way about the same sex, then in which case you were said to be vain and a bad person.

I used to be somewhat homophobic because of this, to the point where I’d freak out at two girls kissing and if I saw a man who I thought was gay, I would hope that he’d get “cured”. It was messed up, I know.

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In fact, I made a thread about it: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...phobic-before-realising-your-orientation.html

There was one video I missed out though, and that was Katy Perry’s “Hot and cold”. When I used to watch that, I always read the man as gay in that video for some reason. I thought he was reluctant to marry Katy as he was doubting himself and “battling” homosexuality. I saw the end of that video as the guy managing to “overcome” it and that he became straight.

I realise now just how stupid that belief was. Back then I didn’t have many resources many resources that covered homosexuality. I learnt what it was when I was eight, when me and my friend pretended to get married to each other, I was the groom and she was the bride.

I didn’t particularly want to be the groom, but she insisted so…yeah. When my friend asked if she would ever be able to marry me, my sister and a few others had to explain to her about the fact same-sex marriage wasn’t legal back then.

That’s when I realised it was a thing. Back then I didn’t know anyone that was gay, I’d never heard of any adults that were or anything like that. The only time I’d ever hear about it was on the internet, and whenever I’d read or hear about it, all the resources were always negative about it. I’d always see people using it as an insult or saying that people would die horrible deaths because of it. I’d always see people saying that it was some kind of choice.

It was only when I hit 11 years old and fell for a girl that I realised that it wasn’t. Back then I freaked out, and for a year or so I denied to myself that I felt anything for her, I pretended it was just admiration and that I didn’t actually want to kiss her.
When I finally confronted myself, I realised I had a crush on her pretty hard. Secondary school was difficult. There was a lot of pressure on me from my friends to get with this guy (who later came out as gay) and we “dated” for a while but nothing really happened in that relationship and it just wasn’t working out.

It was just better when we got to hang out as friends, since when we were friends we didn’t have to do all the coupley things. We could just relax and have a laugh. It was difficult to explain to others why we split up, because according to them we seemed like “the perfect couple” and we were sort of seen as an example. I didn’t want to lose that reputation so it felt important to me to keep this image others had of me.

Spoiler

I gave people all sorts of reasons for why we split up. It was going alright, until one girl who had her doubts about me started voicing her concerns. According to her, she knew I was gay right from the bat- before I’d even started talking. I knew she was the crack in my plan that could run everything and tear things apart.

I tried to convince her that I was straight, but she wasn’t having it. I guess I did look a bit stereotypical after all. It was when she got me to admit that I didn’t find my ex (the guy mentioned above) attractive in a rather sneaky way, that she had me where she wanted. I’d messed up big time, and she wouldn’t let it go. Along with her identical twin, they’d make up chants about me and constantly tease me about it. Yeah, it was annoying.

I came close to having crushes on guys in secondary, but it was almost like my brain just failed to make the connection at the last minute. There were guys that I felt like getting close to, but when I tried to imagine kissing them I either felt indifferent or felt like throwing up. It was like part of my mind was trying to form the connection, but some kind of error occurred before it could.

Spoiler

Then there was that time where I supposedly rejected the “hottest” guy in school, and some of the girls I knew would pretend to flirt with me as a joke because they questioned just how straight I was when I said I didn’t like him.

So at this point it seemed like I’d figured it out. I’d never gotten crushes on guys like the ones I had felt for girls. So when I was 14 years old I started identifying as gay. I identified that way for a while.

But then when I was 16, I started questioning again. For the first time, I started to come out to more people. At that point I had decided that I wanted to be more open with others as I had been outed just a few days after I turned 16, and I didn’t want my orientation to be treated as some dark secret anymore or some kind of joke. I was sick of it.

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I wanted to gain a sense of control again, and ironically that sense of control came from giving others control. I decided to stop caring who knew, and just tell people as casually as I could. I didn’t want it to be seen as a big deal, and I didn’t want to be defined by it either. I wanted to tell people as casually as telling them what my eye colour is, if you get what I mean.

When I moved to another part of the country, it felt like a chance to start again. The idea was telling people fairly early on into the friendship, because I didn’t want to build up people’s hopes only to disappoint them by finding out that I’m not straight. Back in Secondary I had friends that were homophobic, and I always had the feeling that I was just a disappointment chewing at the back of my mind.

Spoiler

I didn’t want any chance of that happening again. So I started telling people, and it felt like I had everything worked out. But it turned out I hadn’t. Now that I’m 17, I’m back to questioning again. I’m starting to wonder just what my attraction I felt on my period means.

I know that at the start of puberty I didn’t feel anything towards men, but now I think I might be starting to develop a physical attraction. Possibly? I don’t actually know; I can’t tell these days. I just, I don’t know what to think anymore.

So, my question is- can a woman identify as bi if they haven’t had a crush on a man they know IRL but might be into certain male celebrities? Should I just give up on labels? When can someone identify as bi?

 

Anyone? I know it's a long post and I might write a TL: DR version later, but if you have the time I'd appreciate any advice on labels.