Confused, seeking advice!

Hi there,

First time posting and just looking for some advice. I've never really spoken to anyone about this stuff, so apologies in advance for going into so much detail but it has been bottled up for a while now.

I'm currently 21 years old and have had happy relationships with a number of girls.

Throughout my teenage years I've had strong crushes towards a number of members of the opposite sex, and have had desires for intimacy with women in general. For the most part, I have never really felt similar desires towards members of the same sex in real life. However, there are a few things that make me question my sexuality, and my identity.

Firstly, for the past few years I have masturbated to gay porn, and have gone as far as having skype sex with men who I have met in various chat rooms. I started watching porn at a young age (around the age of 11) and would exclusively watch straight porn. I started to then watch shemale porn, which opened the door to gay porn. In the past year I have pretty much stopped watching porn altogether, however, prior to stopping, I would probably watch about 60% straight porn and 40% gay porn. Further, when masturbating without porn, I would say my fantasies would be at a similar ratio. I have also found that I'm not attracted to all gay porn, I seem to have a somewhat exclusive attraction to watching older/younger, daddy/son type scenes - which is reflected in the types of men that I have skyped with (over 50) and fantasized about. My experience in watching such porn/fantasizing/skyping has been confusing. Although I find gay porn/fantasizing to be more arousing compared to watching hetero porn/fantasizing about straight sex (which I also find enjoyable) when masturbating, and I feel I can 'get off' easier to such materials/thoughts, I often feel repulsed by such thoughts/images after orgasm or when I am not in the mood for such things. I wouldn't consider myself a homophobic person, and I think this has something to do with the fact that I identify myself as being straight - and such things are at odds with how I view myself.

In the past I have also often thought that such taste in porn could be perhaps due to the fact that, after watching a lot of porn over a number of years from a young age - in some way I desensitised myself to straight porn and turned to gay porn as I found it more taboo and foreign. But I realise this could just be something I have justified to myself for having such sexual tastes - and in some way I am trying to deny the fact that I may be bi or gay.

Furthermore, I have very rarely felt my self to be aroused by the same sex in real life - it has mostly been an online thing. There have been a few instances where I have had sexual thoughts towards members of the same sex I have encountered in real life (however - these haven't been due to any particular attractive attributes of the person such as a good body or something - it seems more so to do with my seemingly predisposition to feeling sexual urges towards older men) but it seems very negligible compared to how I feel in real life towards the opposite sex. When at parties or out and about, my eyes seem to be exclusively drawn to members of the opposite sex, and I can't imagine myself ever trying to attract the attention or flirt with a member of the same sex. Even when openly gay guys have hit on me, I have never felt any real interest or compulsion in flirting back, as I would to a member of the opposite sex. But again I fear this could be just due to the way I identify myself.

I have also never felt any emotional attraction to members of the same sex further than friendship. In the past few months, while I have been questioning my sexuality, I have tried to stay open minded to the idea. But it just seems like such a foreign and undesirable concept to me when contrasted with the way I feel emotionally towards members of the opposite sex. I have considered that this simply could be due to social pressures and the strong social construct of being heterosexual - but I just can't see myself being in love with, or wanting to be in a relationship with another guy.

At times, I have considered the idea of experimenting with a member of the same sex. It has never been a serious consideration, in part due to the fact I currently have a girlfriend, whom I have been with since before such thoughts of experimentation occurred to me. However, when reflecting upon such desires I often feel relieved that I haven't gone through with it, as I'm just not sure that I would enjoy it despite having a peculiar sexual urge to do so at times. There is no doubting that at times I experience strong sexual urges towards older members of the same sex - but it seems to be a very non-descript attraction - nothing more than a physical desire. Furthermore - it seems that such desires come in spikes - for months I may not even think about it - and then I'll suddenly feel a strong urge again.

Apologies for the detail that follows, but I feel it is of relevance that my girlfriend and I currently have a great sex life. At times, anxieties about my sexuality have seemed to restrain me from fully enjoying the sex. Also, during the times that I experience the gay urges, sometimes I feel I can't completely enjoy the sex and can't fully get into it - but it never hinders the mechanics of performance. Further, I love going down on her, it is one of the most arousing parts of the sex for me. For the most part I am satisfied with the sex that we have, in fact at times it's a little too satisfying and I wish I could last longer.

I have also often wondered why I have an attraction to pretty much only older men. I have read that sometimes such desires can be due to the need for a father figure. At times in my youth I feel I didn't get along with my dad as much as my other siblings - we often clashed about different things - but I now have a great relationship with my dad (and my mum and siblings for that matter).

I realise that only I will be able to determine where I fall on the Kinsey scale - whether I am straight, bi or gay, but in the mean time I am looking for advice on how to better understand my sexuality - and I'd be interested in hearing other peoples stories who have felt similar things or who have any advice for me. Constantly thinking about and questioning myself has got me feeling pretty stressed out so any held would be much appreciated.

Thanks for your time!!