Posted something similar in the wrong forum this morning, so I'm posting here... So a bit of background. I'm 23 and male. My childhood was characterized by vein, sometimes really messed up ways to sleep with girls. I love it. I still have lots of kinks regarding girls, some of which are more "normal" than others. But all involve girls. At 20, a friend and roommate of mine came out as gay, and was talking about the kinsey scale. I said "hey, maybe I'm a bit bi, and if I am, maybe I could use that attraction to more fully care about guys!" He told me that he had always thought he was asexual until he started sexualizing guys. So I began sexualizing and questioning basically every guy I saw. I would get a strange jolt reaction in my nether regions. I wouldn't call it being turned on. It's more like when you stop yourself from peeing. The whole thing is very anxiety producing for me, and this started a series of long panic attacks that still hasn't fully died off. It's bothered me for 3 years or so now, and I don't have a great answer as to what it is. With respect to masturbation, a few times in my life, I have finished while thinking about guys, but have never successfully started and finished while thinking about guys. Most of the time I think of the male body, I get kind of repulsed and grossed out. My face contorts, and I have to force myself to go with it. Thinking about a guy, without thinking about his body can be arousing, but not as arousing as thinking of girls or the female form. No question about me being into girls. I know I am for a fact. Hell, half the time I don't even last 2 minutes lol. With respect to guys, I honestly don't know. Experimenting feels kind of forced, and like I'm looking for some answer that will quell my general anxiety. I don't like thinking about guys in a sexual way, but I developed a bit of a mental habit of constantly checking to see if I'm aroused. I've had a few close relationships with guys in the past, "bromance" style, but there was never any sexual tension. You know in arrested development where Job has his first friend and it's like "Job, having never had a friend before, thought he was gay". It was like that... I just don't easily connect with people. As far as women, I've had quite a few very, very fulfilling relationships. The kind that most people my age apparently haven't had. Deep sexual and romantic attraction, and a sort of connection and deep understanding. An acceptance of each other that I feel very lucky and undeserving to have experienced so young. Well anyway, in short. I'm a bit confused. I'm never "attracted" to guys, but if I'm already aroused and start thinking about a guy, always because I'm experimenting, then I am able to finish. If I'm not experimenting, I also finish just fine. But I can't start and cross the finish line when I'm only thinking about guys. I don't know, but it's all rather anxiety producing. Thoughts?
why force? your very slightly bi then, into some of it, but the rest doesn't do it for you. A lot of people are like that - they are curious, but not enough to be oriented into that sex.... just enjoy yourself for who you are. That you have some appreciation for maleness, but not enough to "go all the way".. most people aren't 50% 50% bi...so . they have preferenec, esp at times... so maybe some people are 60 - 40.... some peoplle, 30 / 70.... i'd say your like .. .. 8%/92%. You can't force yourself to be more gay, any more than a gay person can 'force themselves to be mores straight. just celebrate who you are. You want to be with women, but you enjoy the thought of a guy, a little, now and then, and appreciate certain aspects.....
I mean yes. That sounds right. I just don't know how to practice that very well... And I have this strange sense of impending doom about the whole thing. I should mention that the anxiety and panic attacks focus mainly on not knowing myself as fully as possible. I am a recovering opiate addict, and stayed in denial for so long. I also have a deep anxiety about developing schizophrenia, and an anxiety about not knowing my sexual orientation. I agree that that seems fair, I'm just bad at putting the calmness into the situation. And my general response to anxiety is to go all or nothing. I'm a very stern and forceful person with myself. It's not amazingly healthy lol You say things like that with such levity, and it's hard not to take my identity seriously. Although that's probably just ego talking... It's the last part that I can't seem to get down. Celebrating who I am. How do I go about that?
That might also mean nothing. It depends, what exactly do you think about a guy. Just try this - instead of a guy, think about a nice car or some tasty food or even something completely neutral like a cucumber or a chair. Could you finish? Just in case - you aren't chair-sexual, are you? (No offence, just couldn't stop myself...) So, you might be slightly bi, but don't worry, do what you enjoy best.
Just tried. Yes. Chairs also work... looks like it's probably just my anxiety. I'll be safe and call it 90% straight though, 10% really anything. Lol
