In need of advice for my sexuality

Hey everyone,
I'm a 17 year old male and have been for about 3 years heavily questioning my sexuality. This is quite a long story so bare with me, I'm just in need of advice to figure out the answers.

When I was younger at about 11, I began to question if I was gay. This didn't come about due to any particular attraction I had it was mainly because my parents at the time had been hanging out with there friends (who were gay males) I remember the idea was just in my head 24/7 and it made me really stressed and upset to think about. After speaking with my parents about it and going out to do things with friends and family the idea simply vanished and I was very happy about that. When I was older probably around 12 I began watching different TV shows. I remember watching on show where there was a gay couple and they would constantly kiss and make out. I always remember feeling genuinely disgusted about it and always covered my eyes as I had no intention of looking at it. There were also other gay things I saw which I didn't (at the time) feel any attraction too. Moreover looking back I didn't force myaelf to be disgusted by it, it was just something naturally gross to me. At this time also I did watch porn and would always watch lesbian porn. I do remember feeling very sexually attracted whilst watching this. I also had a bit of a crush on a girl who was my friend at this time. I wouldn't say that I was in love with her but just got jealous if she was talking to one if my friends and I just generally liked being around her. By the age of about 15 or so I was well into highschool (an all boys school) and this was a particular time when I started to become sexually attracted to boys. I remember that I would notice how hot a boy is and would be creeped out by this thought. I would then keep checking out the boy to test myself and see if I actually was attracted to them. Every time I had this attraction when looking at a boy I would feel very kind of sad and think it was gross, if I didn't think that a boy was attractive however I would feel happy. I also started masturbating and it would prominently be over girls and it did feel great. I also enjoyed the thought if having a girlfriend and going on dates and other stuff like that. I never really had a romantic attraction to any boys (eg didn't love a boy) at this time. As the years went by much of the same happened with me being somewhat attracted to boys (not every single boy but just a handful of ones). I also started to 'experiment' so to speak and would masturbate over boys that I found attractive. If I ever climaxed when doing so I would have a severe mental shift where I would feel sad and grossed out at what occured. It also felt a bit odd when doing so and I would choose to masturbate if I felt sexually attracted or excited seeing a man on tv. I did this as I didn't want to simply ignore this attraction and would want to test myself so to speak. In contrast to girls where everytime I masturbated and climaxed I would feel happy and pretty much normal aa it felt normal to me but not normal if it was over a guy. Gay things at this time did creeo me out (at times) an example being a show called Revenge. One example in the show was when a guy was revealed to be gay and would have this sexual tension with another guy which creeped me out. When they kissed I remember wanting to close my eyes and not watch when it happened. Some gay kiss scenes and sex scenes from other shows I remember feeling quite disgusted and sick within my stomach. Yet the next day I kept questioning whether I actually disliked it and would constantly watch the scene over and over to see if I actually disliked it. I think I came to the conclusion that I didn't like.

Gay porn also I itially felt disgusting but as of now I feel as if I am sexually attracted to it although don't feek the need to watch it when I want to watch porn or sex. I only search it up to test myself. All while this was happening I still liked girls and watching them have sex or to masturbate over girls at different schools who I thought were hot. I would also be paticualr aroused if I saw a girl who was hot in public. But I would always check out boys because I would keep thinking I was gay or bi and would check them out since it was a bi thing to do although it felt weird to willingly check boys out as the thoughts I was having felt weird to think and to purposely enjoy as I had always have the thought and be disgusted by them. Every time I view gay things sometimes ill be disgusted by it and other times I may kind if like it. It's a weird feeling to pinpoint as I feel attraction to it (sexually) but at the same time it feels weird (within myself) to be seeing to gay guys go at it. This is the way I feel about many gay things I see now (not the outright disgust that I use to have for it) when seeing guys who are attractive I don't exactly have this desire to have sex with then either but rather if I find them attractive I make fantasies in my head and see what I think of them. Although by now I just don't know whether I like or dislike these fantasies as it is so hard to tell.

As listed this happened for much of my time at high school and as of now (I'm in year 11) they have very much continued. I'm still disgusted to think about these gay things but am at the point where I try and simply accept them and think about having a boyfriend like a gay or bi person would but the idea and fantasy of being with a girl getting married falling in love is a preferred one (in my mind) over having a boyfriend. I'm not sure if it's the fear of how people will think of me. In fact I have recently formed a crush on this girl named, let's just call her A. I met her as a friend of one of my friends camping and although I thought she was pretty and I wasn't drooling as soon as I saw her over that camping trip I remember becoming insanely attracted to her personality and looks (mainly her personality). I always liked to be talking with her and being around her. After camp had finished I remember being happy when she added me on Facebook. I also got excited if she posted any new photos just so I could look at her as I thought she was so beautiful. I also would have fantasies about her which I enjoyed. I also do enjoy having fantasies about attractive girls overall.

Despite this I have still had a attraction to some boys one boy in particular whos butt I always check out. I don't always do this just to see his butt but rather as a way to test myself and just see how it isn't attractive. This ordeal makes me quite sad also as its just something I don't want to be doing and I am much happier not having this attraction. I however, dont believe I am romantically attracted to him.

Anyways I'm sorry if that was very incoherent but i would just like advice. I'm 50/50 on what I am I think I'm bi but as I just went through a day of purposely checking out men and trying to accept my thoughts it just felt odd and I simply stopped doing this and decided to let things happen by themselves. Other considerations are that I'm very bi curious or that I'm going through a phase. I feel that I should also mention that I am an extremely paranoid, sensitive and pedantic person and feel this is something which has come into play with ny sexual orientation. If you have more questions please ask if my story wasn't very clear. Or if you want more info

 

Alright thanks heaps. Since I get sexually attracted seeing certain men and then I get sad and continually question myself would it be better just to not get myself to check out a man (if he is attractive) since I'm much more happier when these gay thoughts aren't occuring? Or am I just in denial? I find it really hard to tell...